Don't pay any attention to the crap he told you (he didn't find you repulsive in pregnancy because he had more than one kid with you, so somehow he got over it - that was a mean-spirited lie as an excuse to go with OW and hurt you at the same time and you know it).
For me I find that the less contact I have with STBXWW the better I feel. The 180 and NC have really helped me. I never see her, just email and text. I do kid dropoffs with proxy or at school. It really has helped, and completely turned the tables on her since she can't see me hurt - there's no narcissistic supply in it.
When it's time to talk through the Ls she blames me for a bunch of stupid stuff (the latest one was about haircuts for the kids - I am not making this up, this is how little she has to complain about my 50% parenting) and of course that hurts. But I just vent to IC, here or to my L and continue on detaching and focusing on my family. And gently, when they decided to do what they did, and D was filed, they stopped being a part of our family. Correct?
Glad you found the courage to post. Here we all find our courage, don't we? Proud of you, keep at it. Work on yourself.
Have you talked to your L about living arrangements and the law in your state regarding that? There's no law that says you must stay in that situation AFAIK (though Family law is state law so it could be different depending on state). Is there a way to kick him out? Or have you considered moving out? In my case I decided I'd rather lose my house than my sanity, and after I left she couldn't afford it so we ended up selling anyway. If you moved with the kids, he'd owe you alimony.
Not being near WW was when my healing really started and I was able to view all this a bit more objectively. I read somewhere on one of the infidelity books, "he who cares the least, wins". You will get to that point eventually.
Please stay strong. What's happening are the consequences of his actions. You did not destroy your marriage. He did.
And congratulations on your first post. Welcome!
Don't engage him in any of these ridiculous conversations, even though you will want to very badly. Come here and vent instead.
Only talk to him about domestic affairs, like money and kids, not laundry and cooking for him; that's his business now.
Read up on the 180 and put it in place. It will help you regain control of yourself and you will feel a little better:
DDay - June 7, 2014
Me - 43
WW - 41
DD - 6 and 3
Pulling the Plug
Dont feed his need to see you upset. As suggested in a previous post, jump on SI here and vent away. DON'T give him the time of day in the meantime.
Is it possible to have your L have the judge force him to move out in the meantime? Usually some distance between you will bring about some healing.
Within 10 seconds of his starting this verbal garbage I'd say: "Oops, I've got to...(in the other room)", and exit and NOT come back.
Anything to get away from that mouth and the train he gets on. It'll at the least interrupt and stop the behavior immediately and til the next time.
If you have to walk outdoors right away, do it. Break the cycle. Noone deserves to listen to that.
My xwf got on kicks like that if he didn't want to do something I liked. When I first heard him I was amazed how he wined. Never noticed it in others before. It never completely went away and came up each time for years when he didn't want to do something I liked. He went on and on and on. I'd patiently wait it out (naiive at the time). Now looking back, he ruined almost all my favorite pasttimes.
It is verbal bullyism and abuse.
[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 8:33 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)]
I want him out of the house so badly however since he is also on the mortgage, I can't ask him to leave so we co-habitate which is awful. He knows that it is awful and physically makes me ill to see him.
My attorney that I hired has a reputation of being a bulldog however she can't do a thing without his attorney doing her job. As of yesterday the interrogatory questions have not been turned into my attorney and a motion to compel was filed July 29th in the courts with a court date set for Sept 4th. She knows what the situation is in the house and has told me that he is nothing but a bully (abusive bully) and that I need to pull up my big girl panties. Hard to do when you are so beat down.
He has consistently made this whole situation all my fault, struts around like his shit doesn't stink, promises the world to the kids and dotes on our son 'cause that's his boy'.
For example he is off the next 3 days, he is leaving for his family golf outing then OW planned a getaway for them because he 'is so stressed in dealing with all of this' and 'he needs a vacation' so...he promised the kids he will take them to a ballgame on Saturday--slow down buddy, a couple of hours with your kids prior to school starting...ugh! When my 5 yr old asked if mommy was coming she was told 'nope, just us, just our family.'
This is what makes me not breathe, he is constantly in my face and making me feel like garbage. I am the nanny.
And I quit doing anything for him when I separated our bank accounts in April, he is on his own. He has basically turned the master bedroom into his apartment.
Can you act? Tune him out and invisible? It sounds like he is out or hibernating as much as possible.
Do NOT buy into his bullshit immature snarkiness. Ignore ignore ignore. If his bullshit attitude is intended to get your reaction, then ceasing to give it to him should frustrate him... right?
(((hugs))) Hopefully he will choke on a golf ball.
I'd love to not give him the equity in the house but we are in a no fault state with no debt in our marriage...I will have to check with my attorney. She told me to pull up my big girl panties and deal with his bullying until we could start the negotiations after the cooling off period.
The issue of the OW can't even be an issue unless custody comes up which it is going to. He wants physical joint (aka no child support).
I'm sorry he's being such an asshat. For me, part of what helped was something someone on SI said to me here one day (sorry peeps...don't remember who it was...)
Stop taking your emotional temperature in the ass of a psychopath.
He's an abusive swine. Who gives a shit what he does or does not think is your fault?
Have you read codependent mo more? Highly recommend. Are you in IC?
I did in house separation in a similar situation to you. It was brutal. And once he moved out, it just escalated as I think he felt more and more out of control. So then it would be endless texts and emails trying to engage me. It took me awhile to be able to tune those out, and sometimes I still can't do it and I engage the crazy.
Stop caring what he thinks. Even if you have to pretend. Come here and talk to us instead.
You've kicked him out of the bedroom, right? No co-grooming in the bathroom, etc. no family meals,no happy family activities, nada.
Eta: I didn't feel like I could breathe until I fired my first attorney and hired New Guy who doesn't let CAT bully me...and I filled for divorce.
[This message edited by nekorb at 8:53 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]