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I'm feeling rough again tonight and found this journal entry from a few months ago.

I'm going to be ok. But, it really still hurts this bad sometimes. I guess I'm hoping to normalize this pain and also get it off my chest. She's trying hard now, but sometimes I feel like I'm trying to bring myself back from the dead. You know how it is...

***********************************

It mostly happens in the car

When I am alone

And I am so alone

Without so much as my self

Who stays with me

And it's because I am

So tired

It is because I am so tired

And so alone

And so weak

And because my foot is

So heavy

Yes,

It is because my foot is so heavy

And I am so tired

And so alone

And I am so weak

That I cannot hold up my foot

My heavy foot

I can no longer hold it up

And it drops

Under its own weight

It drops to the floor

And the pedal is so weak

The pedal has no choice

But to drop

Under the weight of

My very heavy foot

And then I hear the humming

The growling

The screaming

The machine hums and growls

And screams

I hear the screams

The screams

They are so close

But I can't make out

What they say

I think they are

inside

the car

With me

The screams

They stay with me

They are the only who stay

With me

And they stay with me

They stay with me

And just in front of me and down

I think I see

65

Or maybe it's 80

Or 90

I think I saw

Once

That it can go to 160

But I can't make out what it says

Now

Because everything is blurry

And wet

Why is everything wet?

So fast

It is all going so fast

Why is everything fast?

How did everything get

Out of control?

And I hear it again

The screaming

And I make it out

Now

The screams

The screams...

It's my voice

My voice screaming

"Stop!

Stop!

Make it stop!

Oh god!! Make it stop!

Can't anyone make it stop!?!"

Oh how I long for the stop

I need it to stop

The pain

Stop

The pain

The stop

A stop

Any stop

A sudden stop

Any sudden stop

The sudden stop

The tree

And everything is blurry

And my eyes are wet

And my face is wet

And my shirt is wet

And there's wet

Dripping from my cheeks

Onto my thighs

And there's the screaming

And I am so tired

And I am so alone

And I am

So weak

And my hand is so heavy

Yes

My hand

The left

Is so heavy

I can no longer hold it up

And it drops off the wheel

To my lap

And it slides to the right

And the fingers find the red square

In the middle of the grey square

That holds the strap

That holds me

Just a press to set me free

Just press it

I'll be free

Free

The sudden stop

That sets me free

Just turn the wheel at the tree

Just turn the wheel

Toward the tree

Free

But

The button is so strong

It pushes back

And I cannot press it down

For

I am so tired

And I am so weak

And so I find

Only enough strength

Just enough

To lift my foot

And drive

Home

Growing

You are not alone. Reading this bought a flood of moments back to me. We lived 1 1/2 hr commute from work. During discovery and early reconciliation I spent so much time on the road.

and this is exactly - exactly how I felt.

I am glad that you can now describe that you're 'going to be ok' and that you can see your wife's efforts. I am especially glad she IS trying so hard.

I remember warm sunny afternoons driving home when the sun was just so bright. and my eyes so heavy.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. and I am so glad you have found SI. Little by little hope creeps back in. and time which seems like a dirty word becomes your friend.

bless you Growing.

Meg

(((growing)))

Thank you for sharing that with us.

but sometimes I feel like I'm trying to bring myself back from the dead.

Don't we know it. You're not alone, and the pain "normalizes" bit by bit. Sending hugs.