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Newest Member: roadrunner04 (61465)

User Topic: pain in the car
♂ 43298
Member # 43298
Default  Posted: 11:44 PM, August 5th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm feeling rough again tonight and found this journal entry from a few months ago.
I'm going to be ok. But, it really still hurts this bad sometimes. I guess I'm hoping to normalize this pain and also get it off my chest. She's trying hard now, but sometimes I feel like I'm trying to bring myself back from the dead. You know how it is...


It mostly happens in the car
When I am alone
And I am so alone
Without so much as my self
Who stays with me
And it's because I am
So tired

It is because I am so tired
And so alone
And so weak
And because my foot is
So heavy

It is because my foot is so heavy
And I am so tired
And so alone

And I am so weak
That I cannot hold up my foot
My heavy foot
I can no longer hold it up
And it drops
Under its own weight
It drops to the floor

And the pedal is so weak
The pedal has no choice
But to drop
Under the weight of
My very heavy foot

And then I hear the humming
The growling
The screaming
The machine hums and growls
And screams
I hear the screams
The screams
They are so close
But I can't make out
What they say
I think they are
the car
With me

The screams
They stay with me
They are the only who stay
With me
And they stay with me
They stay with me

And just in front of me and down
I think I see
Or maybe it's 80
Or 90
I think I saw
That it can go to 160

But I can't make out what it says
Because everything is blurry
And wet
Why is everything wet?

So fast
It is all going so fast
Why is everything fast?
How did everything get
Out of control?
And I hear it again
The screaming

And I make it out
The screams

The screams...
It's my voice
My voice screaming
Make it stop!
Oh god!! Make it stop!
Can't anyone make it stop!?!"

Oh how I long for the stop
I need it to stop
The pain
The pain
The stop
A stop
Any stop
A sudden stop
Any sudden stop
The sudden stop
The tree

And everything is blurry
And my eyes are wet
And my face is wet
And my shirt is wet
And there's wet
Dripping from my cheeks
Onto my thighs
And there's the screaming

And I am so tired
And I am so alone
And I am
So weak
And my hand is so heavy

My hand
The left
Is so heavy
I can no longer hold it up
And it drops off the wheel
To my lap
And it slides to the right
And the fingers find the red square
In the middle of the grey square
That holds the strap
That holds me

Just a press to set me free
Just press it
I'll be free
The sudden stop
That sets me free
Just turn the wheel at the tree
Just turn the wheel
Toward the tree

The button is so strong
It pushes back
And I cannot press it down
I am so tired
And I am so weak

And so I find
Only enough strength
Just enough
To lift my foot
And drive

Me: BH 40ish
Her: WW 35ish
Married 13 years
DD 3, DS 7
EA/PA: 1yr/6mo
DDay: 11/1/2013
TT: 8/12/14, more on the way?
FB NC breach: 8/15/14
MC on hold because he was worse than nothing. Maybe we'll find an infidelity specialist.

Posts: 21 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Northeast USA
♀ 34941
Member # 34941
Default  Posted: 12:00 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You are not alone. Reading this bought a flood of moments back to me. We lived 1 1/2 hr commute from work. During discovery and early reconciliation I spent so much time on the road.

and this is exactly - exactly how I felt.

I am glad that you can now describe that you're 'going to be ok' and that you can see your wife's efforts. I am especially glad she IS trying so hard.

I remember warm sunny afternoons driving home when the sun was just so bright. and my eyes so heavy.

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. and I am so glad you have found SI. Little by little hope creeps back in. and time which seems like a dirty word becomes your friend.

bless you Growing.


BS / fWS me 41 (@ DDay)
fWS / BS him 39-BlindFreddy (@DDay)
My DD's 13 Jan 2012 / 29 Jan / 27 Feb (Trickle truth for 5 wks)
His DDay Dec 2003 (details 06/12)
3 ch(6 - 16 at discovery)
remembering "Sunshine on my shoulders"

Posts: 673 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Australia
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:54 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Thank you for sharing that with us.

but sometimes I feel like I'm trying to bring myself back from the dead.

Don't we know it. You're not alone, and the pain "normalizes" bit by bit. Sending hugs.

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

Posts: 29076 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 3

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