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Earning Forgiveness

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Doubts posted 8/6/2014 06:31 AM

Exactly how does W.H. earn forgiveness? Just by being a good husband and hoping it all goes away and nobody talks about A?

trynhard posted 8/6/2014 07:18 AM

Not running from it... They go get help to find out why they are so weak of a person they could not be most open to you. They know why they could not keep a vow. They no longer fear. They find the right words to comfort you.. They behave far more open... Nothing is hidden.. Filtering is ok but the right kind of openness. They give you the most heartfelt apology.

They understand now love is a choice and make that choice. Quality time, service, gifts, affirmations, and touch.

They change because they no longer want to be "that person".

They get your pain and understand it will take some time for you to handle it. They take your anger with grace. They endure it to know if they are most quality you can make a choice to forgive...

This is about you too. Look at yourself hard and make sure all you did that could have been different is not repeated. Learn what forgiving means... It takes years for the final part to come.. In the heart.

It will never come without both you being wise to make sure he earns it by his own choice. He changes and you see it... You chane to help him be more safe with sharing with you...

If he has bad values and cannot change, be brave and take refuge to know your faith will pull you through... then have courage to be independent and only be with someone who wants to enjoy life with you, these are the people you want in life... They are welcome in your world... Those who do not make the best effort to love you... Well that is their choice and it is ok to make them not part of your life.

Peace be with you.

[This message edited by trynhard at 7:24 AM, August 6th (Wednesday)]

BtraydWife posted 8/6/2014 10:27 AM

Uh....no. That's not how.

Will he read with you? I recommend
How Can I Forgive You by Janis Spring


Is he wondering what it will take for you to forgive him or is this a question you have?

Doubts posted 8/7/2014 08:09 AM

He basically lays low and tries to make it so we never mention his A. He has been a good husband, same as before his A. Let's pretend it never happened and get over it. It was over a year now, I just don't want to get past this. When I mention the A I am just trying to hurt him.
So you can see how confused I am.
Btrayd Wife I have read many books and some have been helpful, but he won't read them. He reads a couple of pages and calls it good.

rachelc posted 8/7/2014 08:16 AM

have you guys gone to marital counseling or individual counseling? You have a right to ask for anything - you can say: a year of MC/IC, read this book, we talk an hour a week on this or I am gone.

JimmyB posted 8/7/2014 11:29 AM

A year and a half from my last DD and I have only gotten "I apologize for the things I've done, I apologize for lying to you", as an apology from my WW for 25 years of betrayal including at least 4 affairs including a pregnacy and an abortion. While I have been unfaithful as well I made a full confession, she was always caught, never confessed, answered all questions and gave her a very detailed written apology and request for forgivness. I guess what I'm saying is that for more that the minimal amount of forgiveness, what is required for my own healing, a sincere apology, signs of remorse and a request for forgiveness would be the minimum, that would be only the start.

blakesteele posted 8/7/2014 13:28 PM

He basically lays low and tries to make it so we never mention his A

Um......yeah. That's not changing. That smells of more under-investing in his M and commitment to you, more "hey, look, it's all good" crap. Same stuff that adds to a persons ability to chose adultery as a viable option.

BUT so much of this is a process. Hopefully he is reading and in therapy. I like the reading together thing...but wife not into that so not part of our journey.


Back to forgiveness.....

Not earned.....it is given. Greatest benefit is to the one giving it, NOT the one recieving it. Forgiveness, like so much of this journey, starts with a choice by the person who was wronged. Then it is a process to actually do it. If the offending party continues to offend....the wise person distances themselves from them, but continues to seek forgiveness towards them.

It sure is nice when the offending partner recognized it....but that's hardly required.
Truthfully, my wife hardly cared if I forgave her or not that whole first year....she was so under invested in her M to me and our family and so hung up on him. Like an addict seeking a drug.

I read Janis book and was counseled by my pastor on forgiveness for MYSELF. Nice to be appreciated by my wife....but it really is for the person choosing it.

My goal remains to grow better not bitter from this trial.

God is with us all.

BtraydWife posted 8/7/2014 13:41 PM

Hmmm....you have yourself an unremorseful rugsweeper.

He has not been a good husband. His behavior is an attempt to keep you from holding him accountable. His actions say that he's not willing to help heal you or your marriage. It's not a priority for him. His #1 priority is his comfort.

Imagine him saying to your face that you don't matter at all to him. That's exactly what he's saying with his actions. His words are only true if his actions match and his do not.

You aren't anywhere near the forgiveness stage. He's still in denial and hoping you'll just shut up about it.

He will never say those words to you though because he's too cowardly. But he tells you with his actions or with his inactions. Listen to his actions, that where the truth is.

He continues to hurt you by not meeting your requirements. He's done the opposite of what he should do to earn your forgiveness.

tushnurse posted 8/7/2014 14:17 PM

I have to second what btraydwife said.

Forgiveness is a gift, and when you choose to give it, or if you choose to give it, it will be when you have healed, and you feel your M has reached a point of healing. Where there is more good than bad. That being said with the bit you have shared, you won't reach that point without some major changes.

The situation you describe is not R. It is a soul sucking painful thing, and can destroy your spirit. You deserve more, but only you can demand it.

blakesteele posted 8/7/2014 18:02 PM

Forgiveness does NOT mandate that R be offered. R is a gift to a WS. Forgiveness is really a gift to the person achieving it (choosing it).

Peace

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:03 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]

hopefull77 posted 8/7/2014 19:33 PM

Forgiveness is given in layers....
I just ordered a book called EVERYBODY NEEDS TO FORGIVE SOMEBODY
I am not sure what is holding me back to forgive....not sure if is ego based or what....my H has done and is still doing the hard work....I actually believe he will never make that choice again...but it is fear that holds ME back....fear is exhausting and intoxicating....but I am close and I can feel it...
I wish you peace

peaceBmine posted 8/7/2014 20:30 PM

I'm a firm believer that FORGIVENESS can never be EARNED. It is a gift...and only a gift.

WH can earn the right to stay home and fight for our marriage and maintain a relationship with me and our children, but he can't earn forgiveness. I am choosing to offer this gift of forgiveness to him and I'm choosing to forgive REGARDLESS of his actions. His actions just determine my future actions and our relationship, but have not impact on whether I forgive. Forgiveness is more for my benefit than his.

ScarlettA1 posted 8/8/2014 12:50 PM

I don't think so. I think forgiveness is only up to the betrayed spouse. It is a gift. Being a wayward I know I will be talking and making amends for my affair for a very long time. I hope someday my husband can forgive me and I hope I can forgive myself. I am responsible for repairing myself and my marriage. Forgiveness will be a bonus.

whattheh posted 8/8/2014 13:00 PM

For me forgiveness has to be earned. For example if my fWH insisted on rugsweeping he would not be trying to earn forgiveness. So in my book he would not be worthy of forgiving until he has proven himself worthy and made more progress.

I don't consider forgiveness a gift. Its more of a process in our case and the process benefits both parties. Our first step was really about acceptance. I haven't fully forgiven but it is within my sight. I feel it coming. Maybe it's my personality but I'm unable to just forgive without work on fWHs part or it wouldn't be real for me.

We read janis springs book together and found it interesting.

[This message edited by whattheh at 1:11 PM, August 8th (Friday)]

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