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Newest Member: Notnemore (60749)

User Topic: Moving Backwards
♀ 42959
Member # 42959
Default  Posted: 7:38 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DDay was February 16, 2014 with a DDay 2 two weeks later.

WS wants to reconcile. Has always wanted reconciliation. I am less certain. We've been living separately since May (my choice) and in July we sold the house. I move into an apartment on September 1. I don't know if reconciliation is possible, but I know its not going to happen until I have some sense of safety, which is going to take some time. We're still in contact very regularly, trying to move through things.

WS just told me he's looking at a condo today in the building he lived in when we met 5 years ago. Exact same unit. Four floors up. I am having a really strong emotional reaction to this. Why? He has a right to live wherever he wants. He always loved the neighbourhood the building is in. He always loved the condo.

But it feels like a move backwards. It feels like he's trying to erase the past 5 years with me. I don't want to go back. I want to go forward. According to him, the affair didn't start when he was living in that building, but it has bad memories for me. He renewed his friendship with OW1 while he was living there. He saw her there. I don't want to go back to that place. Crap, I think I already said that.

Am I crazy? Is this craziness? I am on the verge of tears right now. Why would this be?

Posts: 111 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 39803
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 7:45 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is tricky if you don't know if you want to reconcile. If you were committed, I'd say he probably shouldn't take the condo, but if you aren't sure, I would not use it as a litmus test of any type. You said yourself he loved the spot, and it makes him happy. So, if he is faced with possibly a life without you, then why wouldn't he want to start from a place he feels good about?

Also, could you not see it as a positive sign, if you all were happy there? I bet the connections you are having to it that are negative, he doesn't feel at all. In fact, I'd bet on it. I'd ask him. I can personally associate 100,000 things with the AP, that my H does not.

I think this is a chance to talk thoroughly and non-defensively about something. Also, I think if you are "waiting to feel safe" that this isn't going to happen without some risk taking, and some MC.

me - BS (45) - DDay - June 2013
A was 2+ months, EA/PA
In MC & Reconciling
"Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point to move forward." -- C.S. Lewis.

Posts: 3515 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
♂ 14866
Member # 14866
Default  Posted: 7:55 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are triggering. That is why it is bringing you to tears and feeling like a move backwards. It may be too early in your healing to be able to think of overcoming these triggers but if you can it will be a big healing step for you.

Don't get yourself too down as the healing process is different for everyone. We are each finding our own path in our own maze. For some the sequence of Right straight left right might lead to a huge revelation to others it might be a dead end. In the maze of healing we often have to retrace our steps. So while it might seem like a step backwards it could lead to a bigger step forward.

Posts: 54405 | Registered: Jun 2007
♀ 42959
Member # 42959
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I see what you're saying, bionicgal. But the emotional affair (which led to a physical affair when we moved to a house together) took place there. It's possible the physical affair took place there as well, although WS denies it.

I agree that he should live there if that's what he wants. But I just don't think I can go back, although maybe that was just my initial panicked reaction, and once I've had time to think about it and discuss it with him, I'll feel differently. I've raised my fears with him, and I'll talk to him about them. But I'm really concerned I'll just trigger all the time given the connection to the emotional affair.

We are in MC, and my pursuing MC and IC, and continuing to try and find a way to get past this with him is risk-taking, in my book. Or at least, it's as much risk as I'm prepared to take at the moment.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 42959
Member # 42959
Default  Posted: 8:19 AM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks, Moving Upward. You're right. I was triggering. I'm feeling calmer now. I've already let WS know my fears, and he's going to phone me after he's seen the place so we can talk.

I want him to be where he wants to be, where he is going to be most happy, especially given things are so uncertain between us. I've told him that. It will either work for me, or it won't. And I'll make decisions accordingly.

Posts: 111 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 5

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