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Lola2kids posted 8/6/2014 09:30 AM

Preface this to say:
We weren't married so no agreement.
He saw the kids approximately 5% while he was here and lived 5 minutes away.
He moved to Europe in June.

This is what I want to send to him.

Is this honestly and truly how you think visitation is going to work for now and in the future?
You will breeze into town and I will have no prior warning other than a short text saying “How R U? I’m in town and want to see the girls”
Really?
From your previous communication (or shall I say miss-communications) you have indicated that you feel that your holiday plans fall under the category of “none of your business” because it’s “my life”.
I found out from a third party that your new job is on shutdown for 3 weeks.
You told the kids you were here for a few days.
You reluctantly informed me that you would be gone for 2 weeks of the 3 you are here starting Wed. July 23rd.
Did you inform me that you would be returning here to my town? No.
Did you inform me that you would like to see the girls before you returned to Switzerland permanently? No.
So now I have to accommodate you why exactly?
We have plans.
We don’t sit at home waiting for your emails, texts or phone calls.
The girls don’t check their email regularly so sending an email to them telling them you will be back in town won’t really work all that well. CCing me on their email does not constitute arranging visitation.

You are a fucking jerk.
You abandoned your kids for that slunt.
Grow a pair and step up and be an adult for once in your life.
Go to hell.

nowiknow23 posted 8/6/2014 09:49 AM

((((Lola & girls))))

Lola2kids posted 8/6/2014 10:05 AM

Thanks NIK.
I actually do have to send something about arranging things moving forward.
Obviously I would have to delete the last 4 lines at a minimum.

caregiver9000 posted 8/6/2014 15:57 PM

I would ignore him. He asked a question (How are you) that is none of his business and then followed with a statement. He may as well have said "I like cheese."

I would wait until he asked for a specific time, and then answer based on plans or availability.

For sure I would not step up to be calendar management or play concierge to his desires while he is in town.

newlysingle posted 8/6/2014 16:08 PM

Too wordy. I would just send a simple "we have plans and are not available at that time. In the future, please notify me at least 14 days (or whatever number you're comfortable with) in advance to make plans with the girls. Just be simple and direct.

hopefulmom44 posted 8/6/2014 16:45 PM

Lola-

I agree with newlysingle. Give him a very short note. I believe that by doing so, you will show him that you are moving on he doesn't matter anymore. That will probably strike a chord more than your current note. That is my current approach with my STBWX, I'm still in the learning process though.

I do feel sad for your girls!! How are they coping with their father moving to another country? This is where my rage will take over (the hurt of my kiddos due to WH's actions).

jo2love posted 8/6/2014 18:26 PM

(((Lola & kids)))

Lola2kids posted 8/6/2014 20:21 PM

The whole reason the kids are right now out with X, his slunt and her son is because they are going to be so far away.
They will hardly see him. I accommodate. He only saw them a little when he lived 5 minutes away.
He wanted to take them out to a movie that started at 9:30. I said it was too late.
I just got hung up on because I was calling him a fucking asshole on the phone.
I lost it.
I wanted him to tell me he lied when he said he was committed and we could have kids.
He said "we lived together for a while and now we don't, that's it."
It doesn't even hurt.
I just want him to acknowledge that his choices do affect the kids. Just because they are having fun doesn't mean squat
I know it's a waste of time.
He is a colossal waste of time.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 8:25 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]

newlysingle posted 8/6/2014 23:21 PM

He is a colossal waste if time. I've been known to lose my cool with ex too (if you've read any of my previous posts). When I do, I just make a point to reel it back in and limit my contact as much as possible. My outbursts are getting farther and farther apart. It takes time to let go of all of the emotions that go along with such a massive betrayal.

Lola2kids posted 8/7/2014 07:51 AM

When he dropped off the kids he tried to act like nothing had happened and said Hi like we were old friends.

I got the kids in the house and shut the door.

I told him that I would not tolerate such disrespect from him.
The reason he has the free life he has right now is because I take care of the kids.
I told him he should respect that and he would never treat me that way again becuase I don't deserve it and he should be thanking me for all that I do.

He looked at me like a deer in the headlights.
I never stood up to him like that in the relationship, EVER.

He said that he does appreciate what I do and that I am doing a good job raising the kids.

Validation from a wayward?
WTF?

Newlysingle: I know about those rants. I read your posts. I think it happens to all of us at one time or another. Doesn't it help so much to vent here?
As to limiting contact: He goes back to Switzerland on Friday. I won't see him for 4 months. That's if he makes good on his threat to come back here for Christmas. I believe the skank prefers to vacation somewhere warm. Canada in winter does not fit that bill. They went to Costa Rica on their 2 week vacation. Who goes to the rainforest in the summer?

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 7:54 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]

Lola2kids posted 8/8/2014 06:47 AM

He came over to see the kids one last time last night.
He leaves today.
I have this awful pit in my stomach.
I did not speak to him much. I did not acknowledge him really.
He always acts like we never had a confrontation.
He seemed to be very melancholy about leaving. He told the girls he won't see them for about 3 months. It's actually about 4 months and 2 weeks, I counted.
He told them they would make plans for around Christmas.
You see, the last 3 years Christmas was mine. He was gone with OW. Now he gets 3 weeks in the summer and I believe 2 weeks at Christmas when his plant is shut down. No choice, that is when he gets vacation.
I hate this so much.
He never lifted one finger to help me with Christmas. His parents never gave me a gift and I was expected to get them something. He didn't bother. He always asks me what the girls want for a gift. Now he is saying that he won't ask to see them on Christmas, but he just means Christmas day. I take a week off work to be with the kids while they are on Winter break.

I'm hoping that this will happen only this year and then the OW will want to go somewhere warm.

The kids have only been around the OW 3 times for a few hours. No overnights.
How realistic is it that I can continue with this trend?
I really thought that him moving so far away to be with her was what I really wanted and that it would be easier for me. The months that he is away are easier but I think that the times he is here will be extremely hard for me.
I am not looking forward to this at all.

devistatedmom posted 8/8/2014 09:02 AM

Take the pluses Lola. He's gone 10 full months. Between the other two, you only need to put up with him for about 4 weeks total, and even then, you are in control. If he doesn't give you enough notice, you can always say no to the days he wants if you have made plans.

The girls are getting older. The day will come when they will tell him they are too busy with jobs, friends and other stuff to jump when he decides to make his twice a year appearance. You've got this girl.

norabird posted 8/8/2014 13:01 PM

((((Lola))))

How are your girls doing with his being gone so much?

Lola2kids posted 8/8/2014 13:09 PM

Honestly, it seems to me like the girls are doing ok.

When I told them that he had decided to move to Europe, I had been preparing them for that to happen. He travelled so much to see her anyway.

I told them that daddy was going and how do they feel about that. DD1 said "well we hardly saw him anyway."
Initially when I broached the subject several months before they were a little upset and said that they would miss him. I told them that they could email and skype or factime with him. Then it was "oh, ok."

He has expressed an interest in taking them on vacation with him and the insta-family. When I asked them if they would like this they asked who would be there and how long would they be gone. I said that his girlfriend and her son would be there and that it would be for 1 or 2 weeks. DD1 said "that is too long. I could only do 5 days max."
DD2 said, "really? I could only do 3 days and maybe 1 night."

I think that says it all.
He is becoming a stranger to them.
They will hug him and play with him but I think maybe that is because they miss him. They never tell him when they don't like something. The night he took them to the movie I had DD2 calling me from the restroom in tears saying she didn't want to go to the movie they picked and she wanted to come home. I told her to talk to daddy about it and she never did.

I just don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing for the girls but I am trying my best to support them and to be there if and when they need me.

It's so hard.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 1:10 PM, August 8th (Friday)]

Lola2kids posted 8/8/2014 13:12 PM

DM:
I'm counting down the hours until he is gone.
He had to be at the airport at 3 and I think the flight is around 6.

I will do my usual ritual of flipping the bird to every plane I see in the sky around that time.

I hate this shit.

Lola2kids posted 8/11/2014 08:28 AM

I would have thought that I would be so much better knowing that he was an ocean away.

Friday night I had a stupid dream with him in it that I don't even really recall but I was mad that he was even present in the dream.

Saturday morning I took the kids to karate. They just got their brown belts and they have a new black uniform. DD2 was pouting that her uniform was stiff and it was too big. I told her to at least try it and see how it is and then we could ask for a smaller size or tips to make it less stiff. I had already washed it 2X and ironed on the crest and the stars she earned.

She absolutely refused to go to class.
I told her that I was dissapointed that she decided not to attend. Her sister was in class alone, proud in her new uniform.
I told her that she was in karate to learn respect, discipline and for physical activity. That means that she tries hard and she doesn't just give up because she thinks she doesn't look good.

I triggered. Appearances are very important to X. He always criticized my looks, my clothes, my weight, my face without makeup. OW is thinner, wears a lot of cosmetics and is, in his opinion, more successful. On and on.
I sat there is the waiting room of karate with tears running down behind my sunglasses.
She knew I was crying and said sorry. Sorry is not good enough. X said sorry all the time after he did something behind my back that he knew I wouldn't approve of. I triggered again.
I cried for about a half hour. I cried again when I got back into the car.
The girls didn't notice.
The tension of the last 3 days has taken it's toll. I have taken a few steps back in my recovery and it sucks after 3 years separated and thinking I was better.
I am spent.

I had a nice talk with her later about what I expect from her and that I don't want her to give up on things. She needs to give a good reason for not wanting to do something, not just, I don't feel like it.

It's been hard lately.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 8:30 AM, August 11th (Monday)]

devistatedmom posted 8/11/2014 08:34 AM

{{hugs}} Lola. It's a bump. You are teaching her the right things. You will all be ok.

finallymefirst posted 8/11/2014 13:43 PM

So sorry Lola (((Hugs)))).... I remember all to well crying while driving and not wanting my daughter to notice. This post made me tear up again.

I had a set-back recently too. My ex texted me basically asking me for advice on how to make a relationship last. He didn't mention his new girlfriend, but I knew why he was asking. My DD had told me that he took her and his new gf out to dinner with her children.

I was angry for a few days and every time I thought of something new to add, I would text him about how appalled I was and how he was a horrible husband. I fell off the NC wagon big time. But now I'm back on and feel much better. It took about a week.

Try your best to enjoy the time that he is gone. Be kind and gentle to yourself. If you have to cry... just cry. Eventually it will be ok. Try not to think about Christmas. Take it one day at a time.

We are having a baby boom at my job and all the new babies are making me remember when my dd16 was born, a happy time. Your daughters are at a great age. Just focus on enjoying them.

Lola2kids posted 8/11/2014 13:59 PM

Thanks DM and finallymefirst.

I know you all know how it feels.
It just feels so much better to hear the stories and know that there are a lot who have come out the other side of this.

I'm almost in tears again.
Just have to wait to get into the car to drive to pick up my girls.

Can't wait to see them.
I missed them today.
They are all mine for the next 4 months.

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