Came in to work today, and my co-workers were telling me how she is just like an older kid in a 4 year old body. She really is like an old soul. I just wonder if at 4, they can piece the situation together and put two and two together...
And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane
Just make sure she realizes that her daddy loves her. Keep doing what you are doing. You are an awesome mom. (And ex wife)
I hope that ow is a very seldom topic for us to discuss. I don't even want to hear her name. No jealousy, just complete lack of respect for her as a human being.
My thoughts are that you don't want to be so enthusiastic about OW that your DD thinks you're all honky dory with this new situation. At the same time, you can't grimace or act pissed off when she talks about her either - the line of communication has to stay open so that she will let you know when OW shows her true colors - and trust me, she will.
My kids have virtually no opinion about the slunt. She's the price of admission to see their father. On occasion, they will say that she's mean or that she screams at her kids too much or that she is not the person they want their father to be with. They have NEVER come home gushing about her and telling me how great she is and the sweet things she does for them.
I think your DD is going to have the same experience. If she didn't come home gushing about OW and didn't come home with all sorts of doo dads in her hair and her finger/toe nails painted up to the nines, this OW is not interested in making a bang up impression. That's how it was with my kids and the slunt. I was prepared for a whole show and all sorts of phony bullshit, mostly heaped on my DD because she was the girl. This bitch couldn't even put on the show. I think she's so insecure and self-centered, that the minute my kids expressed any sort of dissatisfaction with their father's choice to leave and/or they said one word about how much they love their mother, she stepped back and took any and all focus away from them. I think she is not a big fan of my exFIL because, the one time she met him, he looked at my DD and said, "you're so beautiful - you look just like your mother". That one went over like a fart in church. But, it's the classic OW mentality.
My friend, it sounds as though you may be looking at the same sort of scenario. Unless she's really stupid, she won't be mean to your DD when your ex is around, but she also won't be overly anxious to win her over.
Bottom line - most OW don't want the insta-family. They liked it better when the fantasy bubble was still in tact and the WH was able to focus all of his attention on her during their secret getaways. She loved the fact that the kids, the mess, the nasty bathroom habits, the clothes on the floor, and the dishes in the sink were left at home with the unknowing wife. Well, congratulations OW - you got the whole kit and caboodle now. Enjoy!
Have you read her 'Dinosaurs Divorce'? My girls love that book and quote the part about meeting your parents new 'friends'. 'You may not like them but you need to be polite and who knows, they may turn into a friend of yours too someday'.
I'm with you on not wanting to hear how much fun they had with STBWH and OW, I hope I can handle it as well as you...I still despise her and am slightly jealous.
Fear--jealousy, that was the first few weeks for me. Then MY fog lifted, and I realized she did not win any prize. In fact, teh last two years that we were together, I kept thinking about how, even though he left ow2 to come back to me, I didn't "win". I was kind of jealous that ow2 was free of him...that shoudl have been a red flag for me. He just didn't treat me well. He made me feel like all of my thoughts and opinions were stupid of childish. He was just a big bully. So, no. I am not jealous of their relationship. It's all great and happy right now, but I know the dust will settle, and like suckstobeme said, I think that she will get tired of having dd 50% of the time. Which is sad. All I know is, she better continue to be kind to dd.
I will refrain from bringing up her new "friend" ever again. I will nod and say "that's nice" when she brings her up and change the subject. My focus will be on encouraging a good relationship with her daddy. Because I do believe that ow is temporary.
[This message edited by Numb2014 at 1:08 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]
I notice a pattern with her, where if we're at home, she says nothing, but on our walks, she has a need to talk about him. Ow never fails to come up and she calls her "the other lady". I'm getting better at my poker face, but I used to tear up and she would stop. Now she peeks at me and if I'm neutral, she keeps going with her story.
She fluxuates in her opinions, but usually makes fun of OW at this point, FWIW to have another view. DD here is 11. I think they still want their knight in shining armor, at any age, but struggle with many things. She wonders, "who is he now?"
She also said recently, "I get all excited to have a sleep over and then get in the car and he starts yelling and I'm force to remember it's not the same as when we were altogether."
We know a little boy who's father left when he was 5. He's one of my BFF's in the whole world and is my shadow when he visits. Anyway...
His pov was to tell me in a big hug "the mom is always, always the mom even when we kids yell at her. We know she won't run away and will let us be mad." ETA he's ten now. I cried buckets for a day after that and then carried on.
Just wanted to share another kid's pov.
[This message edited by Ashland13 at 7:23 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
My opinion about her trying to protect your feelings: yes, it's definitely possible. Children are very intuitive, and I think a lot of them even young ones can sense that mummy and "the other lady" are somewhat adversaries.
Girls in particular are very sensitive. At 2 years old, my DD cried sobbing watching Pinocchio when Geppetto was looking for Pinocchio. That shows that she is able to feel empathy at a very early age. At 3 yrs old, when I scolded her, she asked me to 'pologize' because I hurt her feelings. That shows that she knows at 3 yrs that feelings get hurt. At 9, my DD told me she helped her father conceal his affair from me because she said "I don't want to make you sad". I think it's possible that your 4 yr old is trying to spare your feelings because she loves you, or maybe she really did not think that the other lady is a friend!
Kids are so perceptive. We don't give them enough credit sometimes.
[This message edited by LumpyLola at 6:17 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]