I'm sorry you are experiencing this.
Please work to understand some critical truths of your journey.
First, you are NOT pathetic for reaching out to your husband. God designed us to connect with others. You kept that reach within your marriage....even if you didn't do the actual steps correctly, you did keep your actions right where they belonged, within your M. Something went bad wrong within your husband sometime in his life that f'ed with his wiring, allowing him to reach outside of his M to you....and that "something" is NOT you. He feels the need to connect (thus the crying to come back home, his decision to have an A was a destructive choice but it was aimed at satisfying this God-given need within) but lacks the ability and/or desire to re-wire his way of life. I suspect it is fear that re-wired him....fear that has blocked him from choosing to do what is required to connect with you and others in healthy ways. I am willing to bet he has under invested in your M well before he chose adultery.
Second, you being hurt again by your husbands choices is NOT your fault, it is his mistake. Trusting others takes courage. Somehow you found courage enough to try for 6 months to both deal with traumatic level pain AND engage the very person responsible for that pain. You did so by the wise use of boundaries and choosing to love your husband even when your emotions screamed at you to NOT love him. You did NOT make a mistake.....your husband did.
You did the right, courageous thing by cracking that door to your husband. He did the wrong thing by throwing that door open and inviting another woman into your marital bed. Don't let his choices taint the way you view yours. Don't allow his mistakes to keep you from seeking that healthy, marital connection we are meant to establish. Don't let this experience jade you and make you bitter.
I doubt you messed up D rulings at all. Not sure about VA, but MO is a "no fault D" state. Adultery has zero bearing on things such as alimony and custody rights.....I know, sought legal advice on this. While I hate "no fault D" the plus side in your sitch is that you didn't jeopardize your future D rulings at all.
I have followed your journey from the beginning. While I am saddened to see another M and family destroyed via adultery (the weapon of mass destruction used against M and families) the greater tragedy would be if you allowed this trial to make you bitter.....got you to believe the lies in your posts here.
You are not pathetic, weak, or stupid. A healthy M requires 2 committed people. You have proven you had what it took to process through this shit....your husband has proven he does not.
This is no surprise. A wayward is the weaker partner. True all are broken, all are sinners,we hurt each other. But there is a singular weakness in a person that allows them to reach for adultery.
Adultery is not a result of a broken M. A broken M is a result of a persons ability to choose adultery"--current therapist.
Adultery is a fruit picked after much tending....it is not a singular, stand alone action. A symptom of a way of doing life, not a knee jerk reaction to a friendly wink.
You will remain on my prayer list.
Keep reaching out.
God is with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 1:17 AM, August 9th (Saturday)]