The past few days have been pretty good but I triggered badly yesterday afternoon and have been really upset since.
I swear I am sick of these mood swings. Dealing with infidelity and bipolar I never know which to blame! I think this is the A though cos it started when I triggered. Why can't I be happy, or even content, for more than a few days
Anyway, what happened was I was browsing facebook and looking at a friends post and her replies. One of the guys that replied, and was talking about fun times in a nightclub, was remembering how he and this woman (AP1) were so crazy and had so much fun.
Now, H admitted last night that AP1 wasn't just flirting, well I suppose it was but an extreme version. He basically told her he wished he could sleep with her, apparently in the hope she would bite and return the compliment. He swears he didn't intend to take it further and I believe him as it didn't have much time to build as it did with AP2. With her there was a snowball effect over weeks not just a couple of facebook chats. He does however admit if she had bitten, and he had responded, and they met up......yeah, it could have been her he cheated with and not AP2. at least he is being honest now.
So, my problem is. AP 1 was 'such a great girl, you'd really get on with her, she's such a laugh, good fun' etc etc. Granted, this was after I said I respected her for not encouraging his advances.
Ap2 - such a laugh, such good fun, so outgoing, so confident, made him feel so great, he loved being around her....
Ok, I get the picture.
So now I am torturing myself not only with the physical comparisons but with their great personalities too.
I have a mental illness, if it's fun, laughs, confidence etc he wants then I am screwed. He says he wants me as I am but at the time of the A I know he saw me as a hindrance to his happiness, as a millstone round his neck. He says that was how he felt then NOT now but still...
I know I am hard to live with, sometimes I don't want to live with me. I didn't ask for this illness and I fight so bloody hard everyday but I am still not 'normal' let alone outgoing and confident! even when I had well periods in the past I was never really like that. Except for a few years around the time we met when I was mentally healthier than I was since being a young child! I guess he fell in love with me when I was well.
So I have to ask myself, wouldn't he be better with someone like his AP's, or even with one of them? I want him to have a happy life. He is a joker, loves attention and is quite outgoing. They were better suited to him.
I worry I am damaging both him and my son's happiness through my illness. Who wants a wife/mother who can't leave the house alone, cries a lot of the time, is shy, quiet, tires quickly and has mood swings. It's bad enough I have to live this way without inflicting myself on them.
It's a big part of the reason he cheated. He craved a normal life, fun - everything he had with AP. The fact that it was all show and she is actually more nuts and moody than me is by the by. He didn't know that when he was idealising her and seeing what he really wanted. What he wanted, I can never give him. That's not my personality. I am not a clown, I hate attention, I am not playful, I am not full of energy and confidence. In fact I pretty much hate myself and the affair has only made that worse.
I am improving, but it's slow. I worked hard in therapy, I take my meds and I push myself. I never give into the depression and lay in bed or not get dressed etc. I have a strict routine and it helps me cope - makes me boring though.
My husband deserves a wife who he can really 'live' with. So does my son. But I can't work any harder than I am. My psychiatrist says he can see the positive changes in me but that it will be a long haul.
I have bounced back from episodes/breakdowns many times before. Each lasted between 3 months and 3 years. I am at about 2 years this time. Now they know what's really wrong with me and I am on the right treatment the future is encouraging but this has been the worst to date so it may take a while but I hope this time I really will get there instead of regaining a functional level but still hating going out etc. I want to get truly better but losing my dad and my nan (her funeral is tomorrow and I have to take a sedative to cope with being around so many people) and these bloody affairs and tt are really making it harder for me.
I just wish sometimes he had left for either of the AP's or someone else so both he and DS could be with someone who makes them happy.
I am a different sort of person. I am quiet, loving, caring, thoughtful. I bake, I clean, I cook, I launder. I nurture, I take care of. I listen to, talk to, share with. I cuddle, I show affection. I am there for anyone.
I come alive in private. If I feel safe and secure. Then I can let go a bit. Especially with sex. Once I get started I am certainly not shy or boring. But I don't have the confidence usually.
He says now that he values me more. Sees the good points and not just the bad but knowing he felt that way about me breaks me. I have no confidence in anything now. I never liked my looks, but thought my good heart mattered. Now it seems fun is what matters and that's just not me.
sometimes it is, when I have a good day or few days. I have danced around the house with them, taught my son to square dance and do the timewarp, the Macarena and all sorts of silly dances. I spent weeks finding the biggest paddling pool I could so we could all get in and have fun, picnics in the garden in summer and in the lounge in the winter. I make xmas really special, I start planning it in september. I hide eggs at Easter. Give surprises all year. Save funny video clips I think they will like. Write love letters and poems. Set up days out and pack them a lovely picnic. Bake with them. Once I showed H how to make his favourite cookies at about 2am as we were hungry and had no snacks around. Filled our bath to the brim and whisked the water til my arms ached so DS could play in bubbles that came way over his head. Bought H a motorbike (that he used while cheating)
But I am not there for nights out drinking. I can't do school plays but I make sure a grandparent is there if h can't be. There has never been a time a family member wasn't in the audience. I missed a birthday party when ds wanted to do laser quest - but I did bake a cake and do a birthday tea at home. I also did all the work arranging the party. I can't play outside, but I can take long walks through quiet fields if we are together. I can't do theme parks, swimming pools etc but I do arrange these things for ds and h to do.
I feel like a total failure. It doesn't matter what I do. It's not enough.
They deserve a normal wife/mother. Someone fun and full of life.
They were also young, slim and attractive so what chance do I have of making H happy. He has already chosen laughs and the good time girls twice. they both jump from man to man to man, and to AP2 being married is no obstacle. They know they're sexy and they show it by low cut tops, high heels etc etc photos on facebook in skimpy bikinis and in clubs covered in foam.
I feel like their fat, frumpy mother! Even though I am younger than ap1 and only 6 years older than ap2.
I don't see how he can be happy with me if that's what he likes. He says they were only good for attention and making him feel wanted. That the fact they are easy meant that he didn't have to work at it. But the fact they were the same, and the opposite of me on purpose - so he could have fun and feel free - makes me think that's what he really wants. He wanted someone that he enjoyed being around, that makes him laugh and feel good. That's just not me.
I don't think I can be what he wants.