"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

olwen posted 8/6/2014 11:30 AM

The past few days have been pretty good but I triggered badly yesterday afternoon and have been really upset since.

I swear I am sick of these mood swings. Dealing with infidelity and bipolar I never know which to blame! I think this is the A though cos it started when I triggered. Why can't I be happy, or even content, for more than a few days

Anyway, what happened was I was browsing facebook and looking at a friends post and her replies. One of the guys that replied, and was talking about fun times in a nightclub, was remembering how he and this woman (AP1) were so crazy and had so much fun.

Now, H admitted last night that AP1 wasn't just flirting, well I suppose it was but an extreme version. He basically told her he wished he could sleep with her, apparently in the hope she would bite and return the compliment. He swears he didn't intend to take it further and I believe him as it didn't have much time to build as it did with AP2. With her there was a snowball effect over weeks not just a couple of facebook chats. He does however admit if she had bitten, and he had responded, and they met up......yeah, it could have been her he cheated with and not AP2. at least he is being honest now.

So, my problem is. AP 1 was 'such a great girl, you'd really get on with her, she's such a laugh, good fun' etc etc. Granted, this was after I said I respected her for not encouraging his advances.

Ap2 - such a laugh, such good fun, so outgoing, so confident, made him feel so great, he loved being around her....

Ok, I get the picture.

So now I am torturing myself not only with the physical comparisons but with their great personalities too.

I have a mental illness, if it's fun, laughs, confidence etc he wants then I am screwed. He says he wants me as I am but at the time of the A I know he saw me as a hindrance to his happiness, as a millstone round his neck. He says that was how he felt then NOT now but still...

I know I am hard to live with, sometimes I don't want to live with me. I didn't ask for this illness and I fight so bloody hard everyday but I am still not 'normal' let alone outgoing and confident! even when I had well periods in the past I was never really like that. Except for a few years around the time we met when I was mentally healthier than I was since being a young child! I guess he fell in love with me when I was well.

So I have to ask myself, wouldn't he be better with someone like his AP's, or even with one of them? I want him to have a happy life. He is a joker, loves attention and is quite outgoing. They were better suited to him.

I worry I am damaging both him and my son's happiness through my illness. Who wants a wife/mother who can't leave the house alone, cries a lot of the time, is shy, quiet, tires quickly and has mood swings. It's bad enough I have to live this way without inflicting myself on them.

It's a big part of the reason he cheated. He craved a normal life, fun - everything he had with AP. The fact that it was all show and she is actually more nuts and moody than me is by the by. He didn't know that when he was idealising her and seeing what he really wanted. What he wanted, I can never give him. That's not my personality. I am not a clown, I hate attention, I am not playful, I am not full of energy and confidence. In fact I pretty much hate myself and the affair has only made that worse.

I am improving, but it's slow. I worked hard in therapy, I take my meds and I push myself. I never give into the depression and lay in bed or not get dressed etc. I have a strict routine and it helps me cope - makes me boring though.

My husband deserves a wife who he can really 'live' with. So does my son. But I can't work any harder than I am. My psychiatrist says he can see the positive changes in me but that it will be a long haul.

I have bounced back from episodes/breakdowns many times before. Each lasted between 3 months and 3 years. I am at about 2 years this time. Now they know what's really wrong with me and I am on the right treatment the future is encouraging but this has been the worst to date so it may take a while but I hope this time I really will get there instead of regaining a functional level but still hating going out etc. I want to get truly better but losing my dad and my nan (her funeral is tomorrow and I have to take a sedative to cope with being around so many people) and these bloody affairs and tt are really making it harder for me.

I just wish sometimes he had left for either of the AP's or someone else so both he and DS could be with someone who makes them happy.

I am a different sort of person. I am quiet, loving, caring, thoughtful. I bake, I clean, I cook, I launder. I nurture, I take care of. I listen to, talk to, share with. I cuddle, I show affection. I am there for anyone.

I come alive in private. If I feel safe and secure. Then I can let go a bit. Especially with sex. Once I get started I am certainly not shy or boring. But I don't have the confidence usually.

He says now that he values me more. Sees the good points and not just the bad but knowing he felt that way about me breaks me. I have no confidence in anything now. I never liked my looks, but thought my good heart mattered. Now it seems fun is what matters and that's just not me.

sometimes it is, when I have a good day or few days. I have danced around the house with them, taught my son to square dance and do the timewarp, the Macarena and all sorts of silly dances. I spent weeks finding the biggest paddling pool I could so we could all get in and have fun, picnics in the garden in summer and in the lounge in the winter. I make xmas really special, I start planning it in september. I hide eggs at Easter. Give surprises all year. Save funny video clips I think they will like. Write love letters and poems. Set up days out and pack them a lovely picnic. Bake with them. Once I showed H how to make his favourite cookies at about 2am as we were hungry and had no snacks around. Filled our bath to the brim and whisked the water til my arms ached so DS could play in bubbles that came way over his head. Bought H a motorbike (that he used while cheating)

But I am not there for nights out drinking. I can't do school plays but I make sure a grandparent is there if h can't be. There has never been a time a family member wasn't in the audience. I missed a birthday party when ds wanted to do laser quest - but I did bake a cake and do a birthday tea at home. I also did all the work arranging the party. I can't play outside, but I can take long walks through quiet fields if we are together. I can't do theme parks, swimming pools etc but I do arrange these things for ds and h to do.

I feel like a total failure. It doesn't matter what I do. It's not enough.

They deserve a normal wife/mother. Someone fun and full of life.

They were also young, slim and attractive so what chance do I have of making H happy. He has already chosen laughs and the good time girls twice. they both jump from man to man to man, and to AP2 being married is no obstacle. They know they're sexy and they show it by low cut tops, high heels etc etc photos on facebook in skimpy bikinis and in clubs covered in foam.

I feel like their fat, frumpy mother! Even though I am younger than ap1 and only 6 years older than ap2.

I don't see how he can be happy with me if that's what he likes. He says they were only good for attention and making him feel wanted. That the fact they are easy meant that he didn't have to work at it. But the fact they were the same, and the opposite of me on purpose - so he could have fun and feel free - makes me think that's what he really wants. He wanted someone that he enjoyed being around, that makes him laugh and feel good. That's just not me.

I don't think I can be what he wants.

olwen posted 8/6/2014 11:30 AM

One day I will write a short post - sorry.

rachelc posted 8/6/2014 11:51 AM

olwen, gently, he cheated. That is all. It doesn't matter if he fell into it, was pursued, how they look, what their personalities were like. I'd like you to consider forgetting about them, and looking at yourself, your husband and your relationship together.

YOU ARE ENOUGH! and it doesn't matter what/who they are...

kiki1 posted 8/6/2014 11:57 AM

Olwen

I'm sending so many ((((())))) your way.

Of course AP's are fun, outgoing, a bundle of laughs. Its all fresh and new in an affair isnt it??

But eventually, give it enough time and the AP"s wouldnt be so much fun anymore. Its called life.

Dont beat yourself up and dont compare yourself to them. You cant. A long term relationship is never going to equal the excitement of an affair. Just one more thing we have to accept and understand. It has nothing to do with you personally.

My wh ap's were boatloads of fun too. They loved hanging out with him in bars and at parties drinking. Me? Well, like you, i was home raising the kids. Worried about them.

How bout asking your h what it is he would like to do that is fun that maybe you could handle? Something small and not drinking in a bar. That really is not much fun. You dont have to be like AP Olwen, be yourself. Its what brought your wh back to you. Painful that they have to betray us before they realize how good we really are. its behind you now, focus on now.

Olwen, these waywards, if they're smart, they do come to recognize and appreciate us with good hearts. They know all too well an easy woman is not the one they want to remain with. It sounds from your post as if you've made a beautiful life for your son and husband. Take satisfaction in that. You worked hard and made their life enjoyable. The brokeness or lack that caused your wh to look elsewhere is on him, it isnt in relation to who you are.

You are a beautiful person, dont forget that.

hugs,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

5454real posted 8/6/2014 12:05 PM

Olwen, gently, it's not your job to make him happy. something is broken in him.

your description of the APs do not jive with mine. mine are 4 & 5 letter words, none of them wife!

you are the prize!

strength

olwen posted 8/6/2014 13:52 PM

Thank you all. I can't believe you all made it through that post. I wish I could write more concisely.

This is something I really struggle with. One day I see them for what they are, female versions of H during the affair. Attention seeking people looking for someone/anyone to want them. Sad, lonely people who have to put on a show to feel liked.

Then the next day, they're young, sexy, full of life, can get any man they want etc etc.

I have never felt good enough, only once been chatted up (by h)years ago guys occasionally paid me attention but they were usually friends so just being flirty, nothing in it. The thought of him going after women who can get any man they want makes my blood boil. I only wanted one man, yet they got him as well as every other man they want.

My one consolation is H DID get to see the 'real' them.

I posted a while ago about AP1 humiliating him in public recently. As she had completely ignored his advances and treated him just as a friend - I saw the messages, she clearly brushed him off - I was ok with him being civil to her when she started working in our local supermarket as long as he told me what was said. He spoke to her once and told me about it then he didn't see her for a few months. Turns out she was on maternity leave as next time he saw her she was a customer and holding a newborn. He congratulated her and said wow he's a big baby what are you feeding him? She grabbed her breast and started shaking it and screeched my tits! She's very loud - hence the fun, outgoing etc

He said he wanted the floor to open up and swallow him.

Ap2 - well, she turned nasty. Refused to take any blame for the affair saying she was single so she did nothing wrong. Immediately started to show her true colours. By doing amateur dramatics faking illness to get sent home. Sulking and having temper tantrums. Slamming doors and storming out. Messing up her work now H wasn't doing it for her. Stealing his stuff. Generally she just kicked off big style at being pulled up for her part in it (I had her number and let rip) threatened to call the police cos I had told her what I thought of her, no threats, just how could you. then she started up with another colleague within two weeks. The low cut tops came back out and she was all sweetness and light again. She even made out with the guy in the office in front of H.

She still works there but they have moved her to a downstairs office so they don't have to deal with her. No one speaks to her and she stands alone at breaks. They have seen right through her, helped by h telling his bosses what had happened.

As recent as this week she was trying it on with a young man who has just started there. H had warned him though so he just ignored her. She was larking around and trying to get attention and wasn't happy when she didn't get the desired response,

So, even though it all rips at me, I do at least have the comfort that H has seen just what he could have ended up with.

My pain comes from how he felt about them, and me, at the time of the affair. It's so cruel. I must take comfort from the fact he's had his eyes opened though.

My fear is that other 'fun' girls out there are actually really nice and that he might be tempted by one of them next time.

I explained it to him like this. Say I started seeing him as really short, so I went after two tall guys. wouldn't he always worry I secretly wanted a tall guy? He gets it but doesn't know how to make me feel better. Neither do i.

[This message edited by olwen at 2:04 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]

redsox13 posted 8/6/2014 16:00 PM

You kind of answered your own question:

sometimes it is, when I have a good day or few days. I have danced around the house with them, taught my son to square dance and do the timewarp, the Macarena and all sorts of silly dances. I spent weeks finding the biggest paddling pool I could so we could all get in and have fun, picnics in the garden in summer and in the lounge in the winter. I make xmas really special, I start planning it in september. I hide eggs at Easter. Give surprises all year. Save funny video clips I think they will like. Write love letters and poems. Set up days out and pack them a lovely picnic. Bake with them. Once I showed H how to make his favourite cookies at about 2am as we were hungry and had no snacks around. Filled our bath to the brim and whisked the water til my arms ached so DS could play in bubbles that came way over his head. Bought H a motorbike (that he used while cheating)

That is a pretty good reason to stay with someone. Look, my wife has a pretty severe case of Bipolar Disorder. There have been times when it is frustrating. But I can see her basic goodness, how she struggles, and I cannot imagine being with anyone else.

You are under estimating yourself.

I think I can posted 8/7/2014 06:36 AM

Sweetie!

1. I am fun. You look up FUN in fucking dictionary and there is a picture of me. And I still had to hear that jackass talk about how fun she was and I was no fun.

2. People are responsible for their OWN happiness, and happiness comes from within.

What I'm saying is: she had nothing to you with being fun, or making him happy. The affair happened because he was/is broken.

Remone posted 8/7/2014 08:15 AM

He didn't cheat because there is something wrong with you Olwen! He cheated because there is something wrong with him and he needs to do the work to figure it out. As a WS I can tell you he truly does love you and want you even though that seems crazy to you. This will get better. My thoughts are with you.

tired girl posted 8/7/2014 09:37 AM

Olwen,

Have you talked to your H about these fears? About the fact that you feel he deserves a different kind of wife?

olwen posted 8/7/2014 10:15 AM

Hi all,

Thank you for all your support and advice I really appreciate it.

I kind of get that the affair was about him and not me but it's the fact he was attracted to the opposite of me. If it was purely about him then the way I see it is that they are the type of woman he wished he could have.

If a guy cheats twice with the same type of woman doesn't that mean that's what he is really attracted to or am I reading too much into it?

Surely if I am the type he likes then he would have chosen AP's like me? It confuses me. I do know he didn't really choose his ap's, they were the ones who got friendly with him and he went with whoever gave him the attention.

So maybe he just took what was going. I just kind of wish his ap's had been more like me so I wouldn't feel so unwanted.
Does that make sense? It's hard to explain what I mean.

I have spoken to H about this, at length. Thing is it never goes well cos I get so emotional and argue everything he says cos I can't get my theory that's the type of woman he really wants out of my head. I even repeatedly told him to be with AP if she could make him happy, or go and find another woman who is more fun but with a kind heart. I actually tried to force him to go and find happiness.

He says he went for this type cos they were who showed an interest in him. That they were good for fun and attention but he wouldn't want a proper relationship with them. That they have no standards, morals or cared about anyone else.

He says he values me more now and knows I am what he wants. It's just hard for me to believe no matter how reassuring he is.

I almost wish he had cheated with someone like me but he says that would never have happened cos someone like me wouldn't do what they did. Someone like me he would have ended up in a real friendship because they would have the appropriate boundaries and not get too friendly.

I can't ask for more than the explanation he has given me. It makes sense, it's kind and reassuring.

I just can't shift the nagging doubt that if that's what made him happy, maybe that's what he needs.