I just want to go a fucking day without being triggered. That's all. I didn't ask for this misery. Screw her and all the unremorseful wayward s out there for being so damn selfish and void of integrity. You deserve whatever misery comes your way. Unfortunately, the misery you placed us loyal and honorable spouses in is more than you have the capacity to ever appreciate. Your fucktardedness is the gift that keeps on giving.
[This message edited by justme1264 at 12:57 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]
I am sorry you have had to find your way here.
A psychologist who councils both betrayed and wayward spouses commented in one of his articles that after years of seeing all the hurt and pain and disarray and damage caused to so many people, the BS and WS and all the people around them, by affairs, he advised that infidelity is best kept as a spectator sport rather than becoming a participant.
I think that is good advice.
DDays: 12/11/13, 12/18/13, 12/27/13 (he's big on TT)
Also discovered he cheated with 2 women while we were engaged, 40 years after the fact.
I remember that feeling and the abyss that seemed to be my life. I read studies on brain chemistry. Te longer you allow your brain to remain in one state (weeks/months not hours or days) the more your brain adapts to that state as your new constant.
I was a depressed weepy bitch for the first two months post dday. Then at some point I decided I didn't have to like my h, but I did want to like me. That is why I think the 180 is sooo important for the betrayed spouse initially. Take back you. Focus on you. For me, I did that for a few weeks. I did what I wanted, when I wanted. Spent my money on me not the household. But at some point, that didn't really make me feel that much better either. So I prayed. And I started reaching out to help others and it Idid help.
Give yourself some time to mourn and then give yourself some goals. They can be small, but something you can cross off the list and feel some accomplishment. It does not change what your spouse did. We can't control that and oh baby did I have a hard time with that one!! But we can control our own healing and how we come out of this. Scarred? Yes. Broken? No!
[This message edited by Pentup at 2:58 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]
Your healing process is another matter, though. YOU get to decide how you're going to move in that respect, so it's up to you to own as much of it as you can. Your WS has shown you that you can't count on them for the heavy lifting, at least not at this point, so you've got to handle it yourself.
As for the triggers themselves, I've taken to wearing rubber bands around my wrist and snapping them whenever I catch my mind starting to wander. It's not perfect, and sometimes I get quite caught up in my thoughts before I even realize it, but once I do, I start snapping. I never take the bands off, because these thoughts happen when I'm in the shower or sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night.
I know it sounds hokey, but it's helped a lot. When a thought is especially nasty or persistent, I switch from snapping the top of my wrist to snapping the inside where it's more sensitive. It's kind of funny... The rubber band technique never helped me back when I was first trying to quit smoking, but it's working like a charm for me lately-- I wish you the same luck with whatever technique you find that suits you.
"Dum spiro, spero." - "While I breathe, I hope."
The cure to all of life's problems is salt water; Sweat, tears, or the Sea.