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So many triggers...

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justme1264 posted 8/6/2014 12:54 PM

There doesn't go a 5 minutes I am not triggered by something to remind me of the hell my stbxww put me in with her betrayal. These triggers are torment that I neither invited nor deserved. What's worse is she doesn't get it. She doesn't get how now anything mentioned about a nurse, or hospital triggers every single drop of misery (she is a nurse and so is her sleazy coworker). She doesn't understand how every time I hear someone say "babe" it turns my stomach because that's what she had him in her phone as. But she's sorry of course. She has her regret filled apologies. A million of these apologies are worthless. What she and many waywards don't seem to get is it only takes a single remorseful apology to repair a lot of the damage.

I just want to go a fucking day without being triggered. That's all. I didn't ask for this misery. Screw her and all the unremorseful wayward s out there for being so damn selfish and void of integrity. You deserve whatever misery comes your way. Unfortunately, the misery you placed us loyal and honorable spouses in is more than you have the capacity to ever appreciate. Your fucktardedness is the gift that keeps on giving.

[This message edited by justme1264 at 12:57 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]

Pentup posted 8/6/2014 13:50 PM

(((just me))))
It will get better. I found reaching out to help someone else was the best therapy for me. Maybe try thinking of some friends, families or strangers you could make a difference to today. Sounds strange but it does help.

seethelight posted 8/6/2014 14:16 PM


I am sorry you have had to find your way here.

A psychologist who councils both betrayed and wayward spouses commented in one of his articles that after years of seeing all the hurt and pain and disarray and damage caused to so many people, the BS and WS and all the people around them, by affairs, he advised that infidelity is best kept as a spectator sport rather than becoming a participant.

I think that is good advice.

justme1264 posted 8/6/2014 14:34 PM

Pentup... i wish that helped. I am sure it does for others. For me, only time now will help if even that. Life goes on but it will never be the same. There really is no relief from this. It is juat a matter of learning how to live with it.

38years posted 8/6/2014 14:49 PM

I am nearly 8 months out from first DDay. For at least the first three months, I had a zillion things that would trigger me each day. It was horrendous. I feel so badly for you as it was an awful time in my life. Slowly, over the last two months, the triggers are much less often. I am in IC, which has been a great help.
I believe that what I am attempting to say is that time and a remorseful WH have lessened the sting of some of the triggers. I hope it is so for you.

Pentup posted 8/6/2014 14:58 PM

Have You read the parable of the white wolf? Google it if you have not.
You are still very early out from that second dday and it is a time to mourn. It sucks, no two ways about it.

I remember that feeling and the abyss that seemed to be my life. I read studies on brain chemistry. Te longer you allow your brain to remain in one state (weeks/months not hours or days) the more your brain adapts to that state as your new constant.

I was a depressed weepy bitch for the first two months post dday. Then at some point I decided I didn't have to like my h, but I did want to like me. That is why I think the 180 is sooo important for the betrayed spouse initially. Take back you. Focus on you. For me, I did that for a few weeks. I did what I wanted, when I wanted. Spent my money on me not the household. But at some point, that didn't really make me feel that much better either. So I prayed. And I started reaching out to help others and it Idid help.

Give yourself some time to mourn and then give yourself some goals. They can be small, but something you can cross off the list and feel some accomplishment. It does not change what your spouse did. We can't control that and oh baby did I have a hard time with that one!! But we can control our own healing and how we come out of this. Scarred? Yes. Broken? No!

[This message edited by Pentup at 2:58 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]

SparrowSoul posted 8/8/2014 03:13 AM

Triggering is a son of a bitch. What kills me is the way it can hit out of nowhere-- I can be laughing with a coworker or just zoning out and watching TV, and something will hit me like a punch in the chest. As you said, I didn't ask for this misery. I wasn't given the chance to decide if I wanted it or not.

Your healing process is another matter, though. YOU get to decide how you're going to move in that respect, so it's up to you to own as much of it as you can. Your WS has shown you that you can't count on them for the heavy lifting, at least not at this point, so you've got to handle it yourself.

As for the triggers themselves, I've taken to wearing rubber bands around my wrist and snapping them whenever I catch my mind starting to wander. It's not perfect, and sometimes I get quite caught up in my thoughts before I even realize it, but once I do, I start snapping. I never take the bands off, because these thoughts happen when I'm in the shower or sometimes when I wake up in the middle of the night.

I know it sounds hokey, but it's helped a lot. When a thought is especially nasty or persistent, I switch from snapping the top of my wrist to snapping the inside where it's more sensitive. It's kind of funny... The rubber band technique never helped me back when I was first trying to quit smoking, but it's working like a charm for me lately-- I wish you the same luck with whatever technique you find that suits you.

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