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Can marriage survive after TT?

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canwerebuild posted 8/6/2014 13:52 PM

It has been an extremely hard two days. My wife is devastated. The truth is out now but how do you build trust after engaging in trickle truth? Is it possible?

Arden posted 8/6/2014 13:56 PM

I think that might depend on the extent of the TT. This refers to the contrast between the truth and the lie, and the amount of time it took for the absolute truth to come out.

I want to believe that it is possible. I've gotten the TT treatment for a year. Truly hoping it is over now, but my reality is that I will always wonder.

Others have suggested a polygraph to me to finally get closure. I am on the fence about this, but it is something to consider.

ascian posted 8/6/2014 14:18 PM

I can't answer for anyone else, but I will say that my marriage would not have survived TT.

But when I confronted my WW about her affair I already knew most of the details, though I didn't let on that I knew. Any lie, any gross omission, would have been the end of it for me.

If I hadn't felt so confident in my knowledge, if the OBS had contacted me, or if my WW had confessed...I don't know how I would have handled things differently.

Scubachick posted 8/6/2014 16:32 PM

I don't know but I'm going to keep trying until the pain and fear of staying overcomes the pain and fear of leaving. It would help to own the reason for trickle truth. My husband still struggles with this. He likes to believe it was to protect me but in reality it was to protect himself from the consequences of his actions. It would help to acknowledge the damage that TT does to the BS on so many different levels. It helps to be patient and not be defensive when she doesn't believe what you say now. Most importantly, don't lie or mislead her even on small unrelated things. Ask her what she needs from you to feel safe again. Answer her questions...even when she's already asked 50 times. Good luck! I think the fact that you are here asking questions is a great sign.
Edited to add: My biggest issue with TT is I don't believe that my WH truly gets just how much his TT affected me. It didn't just hurt our marriage, it reopened trauma from my childhood. It took away my sense of safety and damaged my sense of self. It actually changed who I am. I just don't think he gets it.

[This message edited by Scubachick at 4:48 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]

canwerebuild posted 8/6/2014 22:47 PM

Thanks Arden and scubachick

sarahstar posted 8/7/2014 00:10 AM

I've had some accidental trickle truthing from my husband and honestly all I have ever wanted was the truth straight out even it is going to hurt. The trickle truthing just prolongs the repair to be able trust him again and you feel like you just never get the full story.
Like the old saying goes... HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY
As a BS, I don't know how to trust my husband again or if I ever fully will. I would suggest, just openness, tell her everything. Send her a message where you are or offer getting a phone tracker? The main thing is tell the truth, even if you feel that it will hurt your wife, it will hurt more if she finds out later.
I know I just want to know everything about what he was thinking or doing at the time. Offer information she hasn't asked for. That will show honesty as well. Make sure you cuddle her lots.
Good luck to you and your wife.
Scubachick, I feel like you, it took away my sense of self and the safety I felt with my husband

[This message edited by sarahstar at 12:16 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]

KatieG posted 8/7/2014 07:43 AM

keep trying until the pain and fear of staying overcomes the pain and fear of leaving


MomtoRoses posted 8/7/2014 09:44 AM

keep trying until the pain and fear of staying overcomes the pain and fear of leaving

Yes, this!!!

TT has nearly broken me, but I'm still here. Not sure how much more I can take since I caught my wh googling a former ap.

My wh trickle truth came in over 6 months. We are still together 6 months later, but I don't even trust him to go to Lowe's anymore. It's hard. I'm working on myself to make sure I am strong and able to handle whatever comes my way.

I think apologize every time it comes up and be an open book. If you're going to the library for a book on perennials, don't come home w/ a biography. Be 99% predictable, honest, forthright. My wh looked me in the eyes and lied to me so much, I don't know why I ask questions? I am trying to make it, but it's really hard.

blakesteele posted 8/7/2014 13:33 PM least for a year after it stopped. I endured TT for 6-12 months. Big range.....still not sure I have all the truth. That's what TT'ing does.....keeps you guessing. Which is exactly what your WS wants. A special kind of hell for sure.

But....almost 2 years after original DD, we are still married.

Hopefully some long-timers will respond.

God is with us all.

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