"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

PrtyInPink posted 8/6/2014 14:08 PM

I have decided that I don't want every single detail related to my WH's actual PA. He said that it only happened one time with the OW and it was about 3 years ago. The issue I am having is that he doesn't remember when it happened. He cant even pinpoint the month it happened. All he said was that it was in the spring time. I just find it so hard to believe that he cant remember this. He said that he only had one physical encounter with this woman and that it never happened again. So now I'm starting to wonder if there were more than OW and he cant remember when he slept with this one in particular. I haven't asked him this question and I didn't pursue it any further. When I confronted her the day I found out (before I confronted him) she did say that it had only happened once and she was even vague about it, saying that it happened 3 or 4 years ago...so it sounded like she couldn't even pinpoint the time either.

MovingUpward posted 8/6/2014 20:14 PM

I can understand why the alarms are going off. I think that I would have a hard time believing that he and she couldn't remember more but I doubt that I would be able to remember exact dates. Months yes. Maybe a day of the week. I think you will have to rely on your gut and how well he remembers other details that are a few years old.

GoodAsICanBe posted 8/6/2014 20:21 PM

I have sat here in my ww position tried to get in her mindset (yes completely and utterly shitfaced) and thought about all of it on her end and it honestly depends on your situation are you sure it wasn't the EA he wanted and the PA might have been a bad experience for him

Lucky2HaveMe posted 8/6/2014 20:25 PM

Ask him to write a time line. Start with what he does remember. Often that will job the memory of other details - maybe not immediately, but perhaps if he keeps revisiting it. He should include things that were going on during the A time - on the job, family, milestones, etc.

Hopefully that will help. My H claimed he didn't know the exact date, but he did remember the month. For me, the exact date wasn't a *need*, so we were able to move past that part of it.

Hopefully the timeline will help your H open the little box of compartmentalized info in his brain.

AlexFL posted 8/6/2014 21:09 PM

I think he is a liar and he probably has done this multiple times. They don't just do it once.

BtraydWife posted 8/7/2014 00:43 AM

Eh...I'm not convinced either way just yet.

How is the rest of R going? Is he open and willing to discuss the A and answer your questions (except for the idk on this one)?

I agree a timeline will be very beneficial to you and it just might jog a rusty memory. Once he writes stuff down, it's hard for them to twist and deny it in the future. You should have a timeline.

PrtyInPink posted 8/7/2014 08:32 AM

He did tell me that it was during the spring, just couldn't pinpoint the exact month. He said it happened after work, which means he would have lied to me and told me he was working late (and in a city that is an hour away).

I haven't really talked to him THAT much about the A. We sat down one night to discuss things but mostly discuss our marriage and that was about 3 weeks ago. We haven't talked much about it since.

I almost feel like I cant talk about it. Not that I'm not allowed to talk about it but part of me just doesn't want to keep bringing it up. I do have questions for him, like why her, why the PA. I know why the EA continued.

are you sure it wasn't the EA he wanted and the PA might have been a bad experience for him

I do know that he felt extremely bad about being physical with her. He said he couldn't even "finish" because he felt so guilty. But I keep going back to the fact that HE supplied the condom. That just kills me.

BtraydWife posted 8/7/2014 13:20 PM

You know a lot of guys lie and say they couldn't finish to garner sympathy and to deflect blame. He may not be lying but that one is a common one. So much so, just hearing it makes me feel like it's not true. Red flag for sure.

It makes me feel more uneasy that you feel like you can't talk about it. You said you still have questions. What keeps you from asking them? What are you waiting for?

Razor posted 8/7/2014 13:34 PM

*forgetting* is a good defense when someone doesnt want to answer a question. I mean. if they forget where can you go from there with your question?

A good reply might be something like *so what you did was so inconsequential to you that you just forgot?* or *your act that destroyed our M and my life meant so little to you that you just forgot about it?*

Put them on the defensive.

In some cases though maybe WS do forget the details. but IMO probably not the big things. If the affair was long term and there were many many meetings I guess its possible for memories to get scrambled up and some of the details lost.

Unagie posted 8/7/2014 13:56 PM

I am being honest I could not remember the date. I did something that day that I had posted on a social media site about which is why I was able to get the date and this was 3 months after it happened. Yes a timeline can jog memories but sometimes we try to block what we did so much that we lose memory. I will forever have the date of my confession seared in my mind but the multiple dates of my discovery of his A's and the TT after I do not remember and I dont want it remembered, there are to many dates that hurt already. Even after finding the date now 2 years later I do not remember it again. I know the month and that it was towards the end of the month but not the exact date. I am being as honest as I can here and this is only my personal experience.

PrtyInPink posted 8/7/2014 14:12 PM

What keeps you from asking them? What are you waiting for

Part of it is because I don't want to ruin our "mood". Things have been so very good lately and I don't want to discuss things that will make me sad. But the other side of it is I almost feel like he feels like the past is the past and we need to move forward. He has a really hard time dealing with his own emotions as well as others. His own therapist told him years ago that he lacks empathy. So a few weeks after dday I had texted him saying how sad and lonely I felt. He was upset about something that happened at work so he wasn't in a good mood to begin with and he called me up and basically said that he didn't want to deal with it. I was so hurt. Later that night he said he didn't mean it that way. He just feels that every time I tell him I'm hurting and whatnot that it's me trying to punish him for what he did. Of course that all sounds like an asshole thing to say and that he is dismissing my feelings and sweeping the whole incident under the rug. We have decided to put everything on hold for now because he is going to be dealing with some court things later this month. So maybe I am just waiting until all of that is over with before I bring stuff up.

You know a lot of guys lie and say they couldn't finish to garner sympathy and to deflect blame. He may not be lying but that one is a common one

Obviously I would love it if what he was saying is true. He had told me that because he said he felt so completely guilty and bad that he was doing what he did. He said that he pretended to be "done" so that he could stop and leave her house.

musiclovingmom posted 8/7/2014 15:33 PM

My H doesn't remember. We have spent so much time spread out over the last two years detailing a timeline. I know major life events and he can't even tell me for sure when it went physical or when it stopped. His memory is AWFUL in general and this is just another instance. He is also just awful with days and times in general. I guarantee you that if I asked him right now what day of the week it was, he wouldn't know and he certainly wouldn't know what date without checking his phone. He gets paid every two weeks, but never knows when payday is. Last year he even looked at me when I was asking about his birthday dinner and said 'oh yeah. My birthday is tomorrow, huh?' I'm a date person. I can't imagine not remembering something like that. From my perspective, it seems like he must be lying, but when I stop and think about how his mind works in every other situation, I'm not surprised that he doesn't remember. It is consistent with who/how he is. Maybe a timeline would jog your H's memory, maybe not. I'll never know for sure and if it weren't for phone records, I wouldn't know as much as I do.

Deanna posted 8/7/2014 15:33 PM

I totally believe that he can't remember when it happened. My husband couldn't remember when he kissed OW. OW knew exactly when it turned physical.
As others have said it is unusual that it just happened once. Although I believe my husband didn't sleep with OW so who am I to say.
As far as not discussing the affair, that is not such a bad thing. We get so hung up on the questions that we stop moving forward.

whattheh posted 8/7/2014 16:48 PM

My fWH couldn't remember the date of PA either. He thought it was fall timeframe. We jogged his memory by talking details about what clothes were worn stuff like that and we even reviewed historical temp charts.

It helps to build a timeline of what was going on in ur married life and then have him talk about details. It may jog his memory.

We figured out the date my fWH met OW due to a starbucks receipt in her city which is far away. It was only thing purchased that day and we never go to that city for just a cup of coffee.

When checking receipts and bills I also realized that he and I had old phone when he did the actual PA. So I found those phones turned them on. His was wiped clean but mine had texts between us where I was questionin something weird I heard on a butt call. Turns out he butt called me while he was with OW for the PA. He also saw his dead mothers face on hers during the cheating event. Needless to say he didn't enjoy the encounter... Other details we got from texts is I was home and he was stopping for groceries on way home from PA. He remembered stopping for groc and we confirmed this thru credit card receipt.

It was odd to read the texting about the butt call because I accepted his explanation blindly. Now I see he was cruelly gaslighting me. But it really helped to see it in hindsight.

So it took almost 16 months but not only did we figure out date but time as well by looking at our lives and having him remember from that. And my detective skills and perseverance impressed both me and my fWH. Knowing thd date helped tremendously with my healing!

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:56 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]