Example: How did you feel when I picked you up at the airport, knowing that you has sex with the AP for the first time the night before. Literally she could remember me picking her up.
Example 2: What were your feelings for me during the year long affair? Dead silence for a very awkward 10 minutes. She was like in another world and couldn't even form a sentence. It wasn't like she didn't want to answer, it was almost like she mentally couldn't.
Is this something normal that happens? Granted she had a hard time expressing her feeling throughout our marriage, but this was down right creepy!
Married 23 good year and one bad one!
A lot of it is going to be coming to terms with why she had the A in the first place. Is she in IC or are you both in MC?
Once she can understand the why, she may be better able to explain and answer. As long as she's not being defensive, I think the remorse is there but she may not comprehend it yet.
Similar question as you asked your WW about what were her feelings for you during her A. If my H would have asked me how I felt about him during the time my answer would have been "well to be honest, I felt the same about you as I always have. I loved you during my EA and I still saw myself growing old with you."
I think when BSs ask these sorts of questions they want answers that fall along the lines of "well I didn't love you during this time" because to a BS that is the only explanation as to why the WS did what they did. When I think about my H having sex with his OW, I 100% don't think he loved me with an ounce of his body because there's no way that he would have done something like that if he didn't love me. Now is that true about how he felt? Probably not. Usually As have nothing to do with the spouse at all and everything to do with how the WS feels inside and about themselves.
So...I guess don't take your wife's silence the wrong way. Maybe she is trying to think of the best answer for you
[This message edited by PrtyInPink at 3:08 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]
There's a book for WWS's to read. It really puts it in perspective and the work they SHOULD be doing. It maybe a good read for her. I know my spouse hated it. Cause it spelled out what she did and what she needs to start doing to save the marriage.
Sorry to hear my friend. Hugs to you. It's a tough place. Glad you're here. You're among good company here.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald
VERY good stuff. I bought it, gave it to her and said, "if you want to save what's left of our marriage, read this".
Another question about how he felt during the A garnered the info that it was heady getting away with it, it was an adrenalin rush, and it was "good for him." WTH? About 6 weeks ago, he actually told me that he felt a lot of regret and remorse for what he did. I cried when hearing those words for the first time. When he asked why, I answered that I wasn't sure I'd ever hear them. He said he truthfully didn't think he'd ever feel that way. He'd been so caught up in the moment, in the illicitness, in the fog, that he--although everything he'd ever been taught to believe pointed to an A being wrong FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER--justified, justified, justified. And it took a long time for those excuses to seem as empty as they actually were.
So while I believe outright lies are meant to protect the wayward, I believe an inability to answer might be meant to protect the betrayed. IMHO.
[This message edited by RippedSoul at 4:00 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]
If they loved the excitement of the affair, they almost cannot look back and say that now, because it seems so ridiculous and unreal.
Also, WS's have an uncanny ability to compartmentalize. One affair life and one home life.
My fww said that when looking back, it was like watching a totally different person
Yep...my FWW too. When referring to it soon after DDAY, she said it was "so much fun..". Now she says it was crazy and seriously stupid. She came home one day feeling like a total idiot for doing what she did and feeling all that she did. It started out as a deal to be honest about their attraction, made out a few times and with the idea that it would NOT ruin their friendship they agreed to have sex. Well, they never did have "penetration" sex, but then after a few weeks, the feelings started. Yes, anyone would feel like a fuck up if they did this. Glad she does.
So yeah, I can see where it's hard for them to talk about what they felt at the time. At one point they know they will hurt you if they tell you and at another point they know they were stupid and probably kick themselves when they think about it.
[This message edited by 2married2quit at 10:09 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]
It sounds like she needs a really good IC to help her unlock.
Naively optimistic username (chosen in frustration when everything else I could think of was taken or too close to my real name)--but 2 years on, R is truly going well