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"Get over it"

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highwood posted 8/6/2014 14:44 PM

Do you find that if it has been a while since your marriage was shattered by an affair that people in your life that know about it tend to think get over it already?

I sent my sister an email kind of more as an LOL type thing about what happened to me this a.m. and getting caught checking a text number on H's phone. She barely responded becuase once again I know what she is thinking...why are you checking, your H is a nice guy, it has been over two years, get over it, it was only an EA not a PA, etc. etc. etc.

I kind of regret letting her know what happened because now I feel like an idiot like she thinks I am wallowing in negativity about the past because why would I still check the guy has not done anything in two years.

Anybody find that those in their life tend to kind of do the same thing?

That is why I like message boards because people do not think it is strange that even years after the fact that you still think about it and/or still check up on your spouse.

38years posted 8/6/2014 14:51 PM

That is why I like message boards because people do not think it is strange that even years after the fact that you still think about it and/or still check up on your spouse

This site has been my saving grace as it has let me know that I am not alone!

LivingALie posted 8/6/2014 14:52 PM

I know what you mean. I had also confided in my sister and I'm actually 4+ years from DDay, although actually only 2 years from the last contact (they worked together).

I still occasionally check his phone and computer and I'll tell my sister about it too. She's supportive but also doesn't indulge much conversation about it - she'll say he's learned his lesson, he's a good guy and you should put this behind you. Honestly, I can't imagine a time when I'm not checking up on him - even its just 1x a year.

Until it actually happens to someone, they can't believe what it does to a person.

BtraydWife posted 8/6/2014 14:52 PM

No. Not anyone who cares about me.

Has your sister actually said those things to you? Some of this sounds like stuff you tell yourself, like being embarrassed by checking up on him.

You especially need to be kinder and gentler with yourself. If other people aren't being that way with you as well then don't engage with them regarding his A and your healing.

You are being way to hard on yourself.

healingroad posted 8/6/2014 14:52 PM

I don't blame them so much. Before this happened to me I was just like them. I remember wondering what would happen if my wife had an affair what would happen. Nothing suspicious back then just mind wandering kind of thing.

I figured I'd be really angry for a week, we'd spend a few months in therapy, and that would be that. Of course I also assumed she'd confess everything, stop all infidelity, show profound remorse from day 1, etc.

I was so clueless and I bet almost everyone else is too. They have no idea how infidelity rips the BS apart, what a world-destroyer it is for them.

Until it happens to them too...

tfkeel posted 8/6/2014 14:56 PM

Until it happens to them too...

Funny thing is, my W thinks I'm silly and stupid because I post on here, even though she was the BS in her first marriage.

But she, somehow, managed to grow up with great sense of self-worth, etc. She wasn't "broken" before the affairs like I was before my betrayal.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/6/2014 14:57 PM

Highwood, until infidelity actually touches her deeply and personally, she's just not going to 'get' it. Maybe she'll be fortunate and never have to deal with it, so maybe she'll never get it.

But you know, it's like anything else. Those without children who are constantly giving their opinions on how to raise kids and preaching about how parents should do this and that truly won't 'get' it until they have children of their own.

All of us here, we 'get' it. You're amongst good company here.

tushnurse posted 8/6/2014 14:57 PM

Highwood - Gently here, but you seem to really worry about what everyone else thinks. What about you?
Have you done any work on yourself? You sound codependent.
Honestly a HUGE part of healing from all this is understanding that you are just fine, and pretty awesome just being you. If others think otherwise, well it's their loss.
Once you learn that you can be happy being you, and being true to who you are, the rest tends to fall into place. Truly it does.

rachelc posted 8/6/2014 15:01 PM

I understand.
It's very difficult when ppl tell us this because it feels like another betrayal and this is one of those things where you need ppl in your corner because the process is so very lonely.,,you need good people who love you,
I'm so sorry...

[This message edited by rachelc at 3:02 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]

highwood posted 8/6/2014 15:13 PM

I remember on the day I discovered his EA..thinking that okay he said he is done okay well we are all done here and can move on. Easier said than done in retrospect.

No, I am just venting a little about sis because I know how she know how sometimes you want to vent and then after you feel better. I get the whole being negative thing but still I told her about it more as a funny guess what happened to me thing.

Ostrich80 posted 8/6/2014 15:15 PM

That's why I'm on SI so much. My sister though, because she D a cheater, has no patience with me not leaving yet. Basically I feel like she's thinking, your all talk and no action so just get over it since your not going to do anything about it. My other sister is a little more patient but I don't talk much about it to anyone IRL, just here.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 3:16 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]

sunny58 posted 8/6/2014 16:06 PM

This site has been my saving grace as it has let me know that I am not alone!

Everybody is different. Some recover faster than others, while some never recover at all. SI gives you an outlet to vent. We are here for you and we understand why you can't just "get over it."

metamorphisis posted 8/6/2014 16:30 PM's been 8 years and I'm still here. Liked it so much I decided to be Staff.
It doesn't hurt anymore, it's hardly ever on my mind in a personal way, but it's part of the fabric of our life and I think pretending it
wasn't for the sake of appearing "over it" would be far less authentic than the life we live now.
Thank goodness we all have each other.

highwood posted 8/6/2014 16:36 PM

Yep I think unless you have gone thru it you just don't know! Who knows maybe if I had not been thru it I would be the same not sure.

I think it makes people uncomfortable when you bring it up because they don't know what to say maybe..

Hannelore posted 8/7/2014 19:51 PM

"That's why I'm on SI so much."

Me too.

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