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Newest Member: Ibelieved (46047)

User Topic: WS letter?
Hopeful74
♀ 44003
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 3:24 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has anyone written a letter to their WS and given it to them? Is it something that helps, or is it a pointless act? I wrote him one shortly after DDay, but e never responded. After he tried to come home I asked him about it and he had read it. I feel like I have so much to say since he has reverted back to his old ways, but don't want to have a conversation and have to listen more lies. I am just not sure I need to waste my time because, at this point, I am not sure he would really give a shit. But I might feel better getting it off my chest


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 17; 4; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
AmSoDone
♀ 43871
Member # 43871
Default  Posted: 3:44 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Hopeful)))

I know how hard it is to fight the urge to let them know what you are feeling but IMO it's a waste of time. You will never know if he's actually read it and so what if he does? You know your WS, would it make a difference. He read your previous letter and it didn't.

That said, write it anyway. It will still help you get it off your chest and may have the benefit of giving you some focus or clarity.

I didn't write a letter but I did make a list of all the things that he has done and why I was angry about it. It helped me to stop things going round and round in my head.

[This message edited by AmSoDone at 4:02 PM, August 6th (Wednesday)]


BP(me) 50
WP (scumbag) 52
On-off for 32 years
1DD
1 DGD
Too many D Days to count. Same with OW.

Posts: 131 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: UK
GotPlayed
♂ 41294
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did. I read it to my IC, and he said it was very nice, but he didn't think it would help. I sent it anyway.

He was right. It was the last personal missive I ever sent her.

She never addressed it directly. But here are a couple of choice quotes when I asked her about it
- "I could see your brain working".
- "It's not romantic enough".
- "We should just be friends".

Instead of getting it off my chest, it became another source of trauma for me. I don't know if she has read it since.

Write it, because you need to write it, as what he does makes you feel a certain way. But don't give it to him.

Work on yourself, so one day his brokenness becomes not your problem. That's the only way you're going to heal yourself. What he does.. Well, doesn't matter. He either gets you or he doesn't.


Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
Me: BH 42, Her: WW 41. 18y married
DD: 11/5/13
DS10 Autism, DD8
OM: Ex-con for DV. Now with new ROs!
Divorcing

Posts: 827 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
Riskybusiness
♀ 43475
Member # 43475
Default  Posted: 3:59 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh, yes. I wrote: a timeline of what I know he engaged in, a letter, AND had him come to my IC with me so I could read him my 10 "I statements".
For me, I needed to do that and I don't regret it one bit. But, it has to be for you. You won't get anything from WS, except possibly more regret, but no change.
Definitely write it. Give it to him or read it out or post it here. Just remember, it's about what you need to heal and move forward. And don't expect anything from WS.


Me-39
HeeHaw(EX)
OW SmokyHo
Married 2 days shy of 22 years
DD-20, DD-18, DS-16, DD-12
DIVORCED

Rejoice in hope, persevere in tribulation, be devoted to prayer. Romans 12:12


Posts: 90 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Pacific Northwest
Hopeful74
♀ 44003
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 4:42 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all! I will definitely write it for myself and then figure out what to do with it later.


Me: BW 39 Him:WH 37 (M)12 years; (T)18 years -2 DD: 17; 4; 1 DS: 9
Separated, headed for Divorce-he's not strong enough for me
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
steppingup
♂ 42650
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wrote my WS many letters, and many "how can I be a better husband" letters, Yes ME the BS wrote to her about how I can be better, how jacked up was that.

She responded to none of them.

If you have a message that you need to get across that you think the WS needs to read over and over and over again to really get your point, then do it.

Sometimes in the emotional places of our conversations much is glossed over and forgotten.

Step.


Her (WW 40s) Me (BH, 40s) very young DS & DD

Posts: 740 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CALI
Lola2kids
♀ 32789
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wrote one at his request about a week after DDay.
Stood there while he read it.
He heaved a big sigh upon completion and handed it back to me.

I still have it.
It actually is written with little hope for R or the continuation of our relationship. I think I knew it was over then.

It didn't do any good.


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
SBB
♀ 35229
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:16 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wrote lots of letters and it was as cathartic as was burning them - one by one.

Sending it to him would have either caused brain damage by a blame shifting, rugsweeping, gas lighting response or no response at all.

Write as much as you can. I did angry ones, funny ones, business-like ones - the whole gamut. I didn't bother sending them to him because he is a man who is blind by choice. He deserved no more of me - not my love, not my pain. He was unworthy of it.

Last year I posted about the Final S email exchange. You'll see me trying to reach out to him and him saying some very pretty words.

Read it knowing what I have to deal with now. Read it knowing that 20w later this then 40 y/o loser told me he was ready to introduce his 24 y/o office gopher to my then 4.5 and almost 2 year olds as his GF. She wasn't even DDOW. I didn't realise she was an OW until she was about to meet my children. It just about killed me. Honestly.

He meant none of it. He felt bad for making me feel bad momentarily but it wasn't any kind of remorse.

Here it is if you're interested.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=500928&HL=35229


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5735 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Topic Posts: 8

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