As always thanks for the continued input and support. A couple more details. Yes, I'm in IC. I just started with a new one 2 weeks ago and have my 3rd appointment tonight. Been down lately and know that I need it. Part of the reason I have been off the boards lately. The "emotional susceptibility" buzzwords I had heard twice before. First time was in my NPD workbook and the second time was with my first IC. Both in my NPD book and with my previous IC were in the context of allowing yourself to be in a situation that you don't want to be in. I've now heard that separately from those two sources and after we get through some of the trauma with my new IC, I will certainly mention this incident with her as well.
I know this is a weird post right? I think most of mine are. This incident has been on my mind lately since it happened in Aug two years ago and I have a work trip coming up next week. Going back to that same city. No, COW is not coming on this trip and even if she was she has behaved herself around me since. That incident went down on a Fri night and I addressed it with her Mon morning. After our work meeting Mon morning I confronted her and let her know my concerns. I showed her my cards a bit with my brother's suicide and let her know why I was so concerned and that next time she spoke about it in the context she was using on Fri night I would call 911. That's when she asked for help and I told her to talk to her management team (we don't have an HR department). She did and seems to have changed herself around.
COW has her own demons and I'm not blaming her for ending up in that situation. Definitely on me and about me. I'm just really pissed at myself that I ended up in that situation and posting about it is sort of a way for me to acknowledge it and maybe to help me get past it. It's also another way for me to hold myself accountable and own my own shit. I have never cheated and the thought has never occurred to me. Being on the front lines of my mother's A(s), all the FOO issues, my brother's suicide, the abuse, it's all intertwined in my head and I associate an A with all of it. A = death in some ways to me. Not gonna happen. I would honestly commit suicide before I ever had an A and that's just not going to happen. But that doesn't mean that I think that I'm above all of it either. Especially after reading here daily. I know I have more issues than "Newsweek" (read that somewhere around here). I've been far from perfect and have done damage to my marriage with MrsYop and am working on being a better person on many levels. One of the many reasons I am here. I never want to find myself in this situation again.
@WB - You are absolutely right about MrsYop being a big girl and being able to handle it. Knowing what I know now (not that this type of incident it ever going to happen again), I would have certainly told MrsYop everything when I got home that night. Told her almost all of it but did not disclose that detail. I think MrsYop sort of knew it anyway even though I didn't flat out say that she asked for sex. 3? or 4? months later when it came up again I told her exactly what was said and of course she was pissed off again and rightfully so but was happy that I added that last detail without her asking. Yes, MrsYop is a grown up and has handled it like a champ here at work. Though I know that since MrsYop has moved into our building, the fact that she now has to see COW everyday doesn't help at all. Yes, I also definitely struggle with my own emotions. Not used to feeling them really. Working on it. "ex-punk" nothing. I see the cadence in which you carry in your posts. You are a true champion through and through and have the right attitude to match. Always a pleasure to hear from you.
@TG - I welcome the 2x4. I think what you are hinting at is the fact that I never should have hid behind my two coworker friends and should have set very clear boundaries with her as to what behavior was acceptable. That should have happened much earlier in the week and if I had done that, I would have already removed myself from the situation well BEFORE it ever would have occurred. Is that it? I did at least address it with COW after the fact on that Mon morning. But probably should have addressed it with her during the first time she tried to flirt with me. Though, I didn't really recognize that's what she was doing.
@Kajem - She started talking about suicide right as we were pulling up to her place. What I had wanted to do was just drop her off on the curb and get the hell out of there. She was drunk out of her mind, almost throwing up in my car, singing loudly, talking about how her father died and the person who ended up raising her had died of breast cancer, FOO, etc. She was a complete mess. Trust me that I wanted to get the hell out of there and going up to her apartment to have to deal with more of this crazy scene is something I did not want. Even when she started talking suicide, not necessarily killing herself at that point, but it was enough to get me to start talking. I brought her bags all the way up to her apartment door and then turned and bolted back outside again. As I was walking back to my car (already back outside), that's when she said she was going to kill herself and stopped me dead in my tracks. I should have called 911 right there. Instead that opened the dialogue up further and I started asking her questions. Again, I'm not a professional and should have just called 911. I'm getting so pissed at myself again writing this. I was gone. I was out. I allowed myself to get sucked in, I walked her back inside talking with her instead of being standoffish as I was previously. We kept talking about it all the way into her apartment. I never mentioned what happened with my brother but was talking about myself and where I was with suicide ideation previously in my life. Looking back I can see that she knew she had me right there. Ugh. I definitely plan on visiting this scenario with my IC in the upcoming months.
@Splitter - I hear ya. Maybe not so much a confession but an admission that I have a weakness and can be manipulated. Right! Going anywhere in her apartment let alone her bedroom is definitely off the deep end. I still had physical boundaries going. Would not let her near me, touch me, come close to me, yet she still got to me on an emotional level. She had me there in her apartment. That's not really her though so much as it is me and that I allowed that to happen. I really don't want someone to have that sort of "power", for lack of a better word, over me.
When she started talking about suicide, it was like I was instantly back to knowing what it felt like to have a gun in my mouth. That dark place. Despair. Knowing that not a person in the world loves you. Some of it was right there in her pain and that's when I think I allowed myself to get pulled in. I even knew she wasn't as far into that dark place or she wouldn't be talking about it. There are two types of people that are suicidal. Those that talk about it. Those that don't. The one's that don't are usually gone and you find out afterwards. The one's that talk are, on some level, looking for help. Doesn't mean that they can't pull it off while looking for help though. I allowed myself to get sucked in and try to figure out which one she was. I should have know what she was and called 911.
But as TG points out with the slippery slope, I never should have been in a position to allow myself to be manipulated like this and had I confronted and put up a boundary earlier that week. I should have let her know I didn't appreciate her behavior from the start. I probably would have been home sleeping in my own bed long before that situation. There are so many mistakes that I can see along the way. So pissed at myself.