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Contacting the other BS

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bs13 posted 8/6/2014 18:32 PM

I plan on telling the OBS but was hoping for some guidance in doing so, the best way to do it, what to say, not to say. I have written a dozen draft letters so far, and I just want to make sure I do it right, maybe I'm thinking about it too much. The only way I know how to contact him is via Facebook, but we are not FB friends. What I can gather from FB is they are madly in love and I believe it would come as a total shock to him, they are newlyweds, my WS has also alluded to that he has no idea. The proof I have is limited as my WS did a really good job of covering his tracks.

I was also hoping for some guidance on what to expect. There has been so much drama in my life for the last year and I would like to have an idea of what might happen. I know my WS will be angry, I am totally fine with that, but I was hoping to hear some stories of what other people have experienced when doing so, if they were contacted by the OBS, or a WS who's BS did this.

soveryweary posted 8/6/2014 20:23 PM

Hi bs13, I am very sorry you find yourself here.
The OW husband wasn't on social media and she had their landline disconnected. I had no way to get in touch with him.
I finally sent a FB message to his sister, whom I found on FB. I asked her to have him call me, I had some information on his wife and my WH.
I did not hear from him for over a year. He wasn't speaking to his sister at the time I sent the message.
When they did finally speak, he had called to tell her he was divorcing OW. She then told him about me and he called.
I was shocked!
I just told him the truth. Then I let him ask any questions he had and I answered.
We met for dinner and then coffee. I was a support system for him for a couple of months.
I haven't spoken with him in about a month.
He told me that finally learning the truth gave him some peace. He knew something was off but wasn't sure what.
Just tell him the truth. Good luck to you.

kernel posted 8/6/2014 21:00 PM

I'm glad you're going to contact the other BS. They deserve to know. I don't really have advice other than to say there is no "perfect" way to contact them and tell them.

I found out from the OW's adult daughter. OW was caught by her family. I met with the other BS once and talked with him once by phone and the daughter one other time by phone. That was enough for me. I had so much pain of my own going on that I couldn't handle theirs as well and went NC with them. The initial meetings and phone calls were a much needed eye-opening jolt - I needed to hear them vilify my X the way I was doing it with OW. Reminded me big time that both were guilty.

I am glad they called me. I knew immediately it was the truth.


[This message edited by kernel at 5:42 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]

hopeful325 posted 8/7/2014 05:56 AM

I too am in the same boat. I hAve an email drafted and ready to go, just procrastinating lol. I wanted to share with you one thing I learned when contacting OW: on Facebook if your not friends with OBS the message will go into his 'other' inbox and he might miss it. Don't send it from your phone, use the computer (my tablet worked also) and you will get a pop up alerting you, if you pay 1 dollar it will go straight to his primary inbox. Good luck!

Chinadoll30 posted 8/7/2014 08:38 AM

The OW's BH told me. He came to my house, which was very traumatic, but I am glad he did it face to face. He just looked us up in the white pages. If you know his name, this isn't hard to do. He just told me straight out. We texted for a while. In the first couple days, he would get the truth from his WW and tell me, bc my WH was lying. Once WH started telling the truth, I didn't contact him much. And now not at all. He loves his WW and I hate her, so we aren't on the same page. Good luck.

Hopetosurvive98 posted 8/7/2014 08:42 AM

You are doing the right thing in telling. I will tell you about my situation. The other BH is the one who discovered the 3yr LTA and tried for a month to contact me. He tried FB several times. First of all the OW and her two buddies knew the BH was trying to contact me so they hacked my FB and erased the messages. I got an email from FB about strange activity and to change my password so I did. So BH did get a message out that stuck but it with to my "other" folder in FB because we are not "friends." so weeks went by and the OW and WH and her buddies hacked my email to erase messages and keep an eye out. Then one day I logged into my email to be told that I was already logged in elsewhere. I thought that was strange so I changed my password.
By that time BH had given up the email route and decided to simply search me on google. He found a photographer who had taken photos of me and had them on his website. He contacted the photographer saying that he was an old friend who had lost contact and asked if the photographer had a phone number for me. Photographer forwarded me the message which I thought was odd. I asked my WH who was out of town, why BH would be contacting me and WH flipped!! I actually enjoy the thought of his panic now looking back. He told me he was crazy and going through a D and not to reply. My nanny told me something was up and in my gut I knew it was bad.
Next day FedEx pulls up with a letter I needed to sign for. It addressed me and told me what was going on and to call him, he also anticipated more interference from my WH and addressed him too telling him it was over and to give up because he would fly to our state or hire someone to find me and to simply give up. So BH was relentless in finding me and finally did.
So expect interference from OW who doesnt want her world to be blown up and her little secret revealed. Be persistent. It is the right thing to do.

bs13 posted 8/7/2014 09:52 AM

Thanks you guys. This helps.

@hopeful325 That is a good tip, I was wondering about that, I will totally pay the $1

I have thought about that my WS is his OM, and will feel the way I feel about his WS, so in my drafts I have tried to be as factual as possible.

I am also hoping that maybe OBS can find out more information than I have, my guess is that she has held on to things and hasn't deleted all the 'love' correspondence like my WS has.

HighlandPaddy posted 8/7/2014 11:15 AM

I've been wrestling wtih this same issue. My wife and the OM are both attorney's and they are advesaries on this particular case. It could mean big trouble for them both if their individual firms ever caught wind of this affair.
I'm afraid if I tell the OM's wife, that she might go after my wife and possibly ruin her career, which in turn would obviously effect my family in a bad way.
In addition to the possible adverse effects to my family, I am also concerned for the other BS. I looked her up on FB and she has two mentally handicapped children, and I am wondering do I want to be the one to add a cheating husband onto her already full plate? Can this woman handle this heartache at the moment? She needs all her strength just to care for her family.

I want to do what is right. Not just what is easy. Somedays I feel as if telling her is more self-serving for me because I want to mess with the OM's life. Somedays I feel that it is my duty to tell the OM's wife, because if it were the other way around I'd want to know.
Other days, I feel like its more compassionate to not tell her because of all she has to deal with, and who am I to add to that. I really dont have any obligation towards her....As you can see I am very torn.

bs13 posted 8/7/2014 13:27 PM

@highlandpaddy that is a tough situation.

Those are things I have thought of as well. I have no idea who this guy is, and I know the emotions and thoughts I've had going through this. I"m afraid of what he might do as well as what the OW might do. Her life has been pretty unphased by all of this.

The more I think about it, the more I feel like throwing up.

Schadenfreude posted 8/7/2014 13:36 PM

HP, the cheating lawyers clients are the ones really getting screwed. Do they have settlement discussions while in bed?
The licensing authorities will be most interested when they find out.. That will really mess up,their lives.

Bs13. Many have raised this question but I see few who regret telling. Sure, the all too frequent OM or OW lights off like a Roman candle, but you owe nothing to him.

Wouldn't you want to be told?

bs13 posted 8/7/2014 13:57 PM

@Schadenfreude Yes. I would want to be told, and that is why I'm telling. If he had the information that I have and didn't tell me I would probably be just as angry at him as I would be at our WS's.

bs13 posted 8/7/2014 14:02 PM

I've also realized it's more about my self-preservation by not telling, worrying about what he or she might do, worrying about my WS's reaction (I'm over that one), how it might all disrupt my life more than it already is and also if I don't tell I can ignore this feeling in the pit of my stomach.

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