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blindsided81 posted 8/6/2014 19:16 PM

It is almost too hard to come here and read. So many people going through this and so much pain! It scares me that people are in so much pain, even years after this. But people have been so supportive that I wanted to update and possibly offer support to others.

Anyway, about 14 day post DD. Was extremely strong and following 180 for 13 days. Lost it and was beggy, whiny and pleady (the divorce dwarves) for one day. Over that now, I hope. WH has made it clear he wants to be with OW.

Visited first divorce lawyer today, just to see what I needed to do to protect myself and am just in shock. In this country today, it doesn't matter what you do, you can cheat with 400 woman and it doesn't matter. You still get half of everything. Including my pension. I do have some cards to play, the adultery, that I am a dependent spouse now (which I wasn't for 16 of 17 years of being together), but still.

This is the no-fault divorce, which is the case in most states. I think this is wrong. Of course, if I was a no good, cheating, lying spouse, I would think it was great.

I hope it doesn't come to this. But the decent man I married is gone and I don't know what to expect.

Jrazz posted 8/6/2014 19:17 PM

Good for you for taking steps to protect yourself. The no-fault divorce is super unfair in a lot of cases, but the end goal is cutting yourself free from the toxicity which will be a reward unto itself.

Thanks for checking in.

(((blindsided81)))

blindsided81 posted 8/6/2014 20:08 PM

I know you are right, but it makes my blood boil right now! Here's to logic winning out in the long run!

GotPlayed posted 8/6/2014 20:23 PM

I know exactly what you mean on the no fault sucks thing - STBXWW was a SAHM, and is taking full advantage of that fact and milking it for all it's worth in the D proceedings, even though she has plenty of separate assets (dwarfing our joint estate). So imagine how it feels on this side - definitely makes the blood boil.

So yes, definitely play the dependent card. WH would do the same if he was in your position. No question about it. I'm living it.

(((blindsided81)))

This stuff is hard. Get ready for the marathon.

Not.the.Big.Easy posted 8/6/2014 21:23 PM

GotPlayed,

I've run several marathons, including one that I didn't run for 6 months prior (or walk for two weeks after). I would say the difference between being betrayed (including the aftermath), and the marathon is that the marathon actually stopped hurting while it was happening, and the wounds and pain were gone in two weeks. I still hurt sometimes from my first go around in this place.

blindsided81 posted 8/6/2014 21:41 PM

GotPlayed and Not.the.Big.Easy,

It most definitely seems to be a marathon. Really, really, trying to come to terms with what my life has become. I struggle with the fact that someone else is in control and his actions are determining what I do and feel.

But the truth is, most of are here because of what someone else did. The challenge is to turn it into something that will give us peace in the end.

Positive thoughts to all of us!

betrayedpregnant posted 8/8/2014 19:23 PM

So sorry to hear your story... It is not fair

determinata posted 8/8/2014 19:43 PM

BlindSided81,
I am so sorry to hear that you are where you are. But at least now you know and you are taking steps to protect yourself. If you do divorce, there will be a lot of grief and a lot of anger and a lot of loss, monetary and otherwise but just know that you will move on one day. It's going to take awhile but keep engaging in the 180 and working to heal yourself. One day it will be better. Hugs.

ProbableIceCream posted 8/8/2014 21:57 PM

I am about two years out and I don't really hurt any more. Sometimes I miss aspects of my early marriage, but I missed those before the infidelity. And sometimes I'm a little lonely, but again, no more so than any single person building a new life.

It may have helped that I did EMDR therapy. Your life gets shattered by this kind of thing, which is very traumatic, and EMDR therapy deals with trauma quite well (and there is at least one other therapy type for trauma if you don't like EMDR or it doesn't work for you).

somer222 posted 8/9/2014 00:19 AM

I'm six years out and I haven't felt pain for several years. My life is so much happier and peaceful than it ever was with my ex. No one is yanking my chain and no one is cheating on me! I wouldn't go back to the life I thought I had (with my ex) for anything in the world.

You did the right thing in seeing an attorney. Good for you! It sounds to me like you got the standard no-fault divorce "speech" from the attorney. I got the same speech myself on the first visit. But I do think the dependent issue is in your favor, and if I recall correctly, you have a health problem that caused you to stop working? If I am right on that, this is in your favor as well.

You can survive this and you can thrive and find the peace and happiness that you deserve. Patience will be a virtue as you go through this process and it is very important that you consistently take very good care of your physical and emotional health as you move forward. Keep posting - it does help.

(((blindsided)))

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