We no longer live together and we have 2 cats both of which I have had living with me since I threw his cheating butt out at the beginning of April.
We got both cats while married. One cat he *considered* his buddy and the other was my buddy. I always agreed to let him take *his* cat when he got a place of his own.
Well, SURPRISE, he rented a place last weekend that doesn't allow cats... Now he wants to take *his* cat and give him away to a co-worker of his who is only 23 years old and a stranger to the cat.
So I am torn as to what I should do:
Let him take *his* cat and traumatize him. (We've had him since he was 5 weeks old and he's now 10) He has slept in the bed I now own since he was a baby. He loves *my* cat. They are both declawed but co-workers current cat has claws.
Or I can keep *his* cat. I, of course, love the cat and honestly sleeping with him every night has been a huge comfort to me but it would be triggery to have him around for years to come. Also, stxh is a crazy person and will probably have a fit if I refuse to let him give *his* cat away.
What an idiot.
And think worst case scenario....how will that look to a judge?
It will look like he's an idiot.
I am such a bleeding heart when it comes to animals that thinking of the trauma this will cause Mr. Man devastates me but is it best for me?
I think if the cat is going to trigger you, then you really can't keep him. If you think he could become "yours" over time, then fight for him!
Do NOT sacrifice your sanity for the cat.
I'm sure you love the cat. Love your own sanity more. The more you clip his wings on thinking you give a shit, the sooner he will go find a new victim to torture the hell out of.
I agree that one should not fight with an NPD if one does not have to. However, in this instance, I would consider it possibly worth the fight.
I have also been looking for a new place...THAT ALLOWS CATS, cuz, I have a cat. Apparently for him and *his* cat, he talks about all the time and desperately wants, it doesn't mean he wouldn't take a place THAT DOESN'T ALLOW CATS.
I hate him so fucking much.
This is a hard situation because I love Mr. Man but as we all know engaging in a battle with a NPD is a huge clusterfuck.
Still undecided but I think we all know I'm keeping the cat
If you have an agreement in writing regarding splitting the cats, then I would answer all communication from him with
"We can revisit this conversation if you move to a location that accepts cats."
Mr. Man woke me up in the middle of the night last night by kneading my head and I just started crying and couldn't sleep after that. I just can't do that to him.
So now that everything of his is gone (we have no children) I have no reason to ever communicate with him again.
He will try though. This will enrage him like nothing else because he thinks he *loves* his cat. He's NPD so doesn't realize him giving his cat away isn't love or that Mr. Man will suffer greatly because he lacks empathy.
engaging in a battle with a NPD is a huge clusterfuck.
His plan doesn't work. Period.
I wholeheartedly *second* CG9's entire post.....
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
I agree. If you're going to keep the cat, then don't bring him up again when talking to the asshole. And who knows, maybe if he does start to make a big deal out of it, offer him $20 for the cat. See if he'll take it and be done with the matter.
I Iike this idea!
Just keep the cat and don't engage. If he isn't in the paperwork, he does not exist and therefore can't be fought over, right?
When he says he demands the cat to give away...
Tell him, "Take me to court..."
If it should come to that, have him explain to the judge that he cats aren't allowed at his place so he's giving him away...
He's NPD so doesn't realize him giving his cat away isn't love or that Mr. Man will suffer greatly because he lacks empathy.
You clearly really do know how to love Mr. Man, and I think that's worth poking the bear for. If it were a piece of furniture or an object it wouldn't be worth it...but really, giving in to something that's just *wrong* about a living being is not right. The cat belongs with you.
The cat died lie had another benefit. It forces you to maintain NC with the NPD, at least in regards to letting him in your house. Move him out, change the locks, keep the cat and move on with your life. It sounds like he has very little leaverage if all he can use is a cat. This is good news. Just remember with him it is never about what he says it is about, it is always about controlling you. You take away the control when you convince him you do not care about whatever it is he is trying to use to upset you.
We also had 2 cats, and I initially took "my cat" when we separated and I left the marital home (since he refused to leave). The other one was my son's cat, and I wasn't all that fond of it, and I figured splitting them evenly was fair.
Then I found out he was treating the cat like shit, and since I had almost full custody and my son wanted his cat, I went and got that one too. I think my ex was relieved, and it turns out this is the snuggliest, sweetest cat ever, and I'm glad we got her
Then, when ex was cheating on OW with a 21-year-old twink, the twink bought my ex a cat since he was so "heartbroken" about not having a cat
But lo and behold, OW and twink found out about each other, and twink wanted the cat back, but ex refused.
A few months later, I FINALLY got exclusive use of the marital home and got it back, but the fuckhead said his apartment doesn't allow cats and that he was leaving it at the house for me.
Well, the house was trashed and needed tons of work before I could move back in, so after a few days of going over the feed the cat, I finally put my foot down and told him to come take the cat, which he refused to do.
Don't get me wrong, I love cats, and my kids liked the new cat, and it was a cute little bugger, but did I really want his OTHER OW's cat?!? Nope. After offering it back to the twink with no response, I put the cat in a cage with a few things, left it at the doorstep of his apartment and told him "NOT MY PROBLEM."
Kids said the poor thing was gone within a few weeks. I'm gonna guess OW didn't feel comfortable with the cat around either. Like she really wanted a reminder of the twink
I would say that he's abandoned long enough for it to be legally yours to do with as you wish. Just do whatever YOU want with cat. If it's too emotionally hard to keep it, as it was for me too, maybe try to find it a good home and buy yourself a new little kitty, one that is ALL yours