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User Topic: Need advice...
SeeingRed
♀ 43015
Member # 43015
What?  Posted: 8:22 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't post much but I'm in the middle of divorcing a narcissistic asshat and I need advice.

We no longer live together and we have 2 cats both of which I have had living with me since I threw his cheating butt out at the beginning of April.

We got both cats while married. One cat he *considered* his buddy and the other was my buddy. I always agreed to let him take *his* cat when he got a place of his own.

Well, SURPRISE, he rented a place last weekend that doesn't allow cats... Now he wants to take *his* cat and give him away to a co-worker of his who is only 23 years old and a stranger to the cat.

So I am torn as to what I should do:

Let him take *his* cat and traumatize him. (We've had him since he was 5 weeks old and he's now 10) He has slept in the bed I now own since he was a baby. He loves *my* cat. They are both declawed but co-workers current cat has claws.

Or I can keep *his* cat. I, of course, love the cat and honestly sleeping with him every night has been a huge comfort to me but it would be triggery to have him around for years to come. Also, stxh is a crazy person and will probably have a fit if I refuse to let him give *his* cat away.



Posts: 42 | Registered: Apr 2014
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:29 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I'd say you agreed to let him take his cat to live with him, and since he isn't doing that, the cat stays with you.

What an idiot.

And think worst case scenario....how will that look to a judge?

It will look like he's an idiot.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
SeeingRed
♀ 43015
Member # 43015
Default  Posted: 8:37 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have been trying to "put myself first" since ridding myself of asshat and I question whether putting the feelings of Mr. Man, that's the cat's name, before what may possibly be better for my well-being, i.e. triggering, by having *his* cat with me for years is right or wrong.

I am such a bleeding heart when it comes to animals that thinking of the trauma this will cause Mr. Man devastates me but is it best for me?

Agh.


Posts: 42 | Registered: Apr 2014
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 8:55 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is mr. man triggering for you? Can you reframe Mr. Man into being YOUR new kitty?

I think if the cat is going to trigger you, then you really can't keep him. If you think he could become "yours" over time, then fight for him!

Do NOT sacrifice your sanity for the cat.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
NoMorDeceit
♀ 23547
Member # 23547
Default  Posted: 9:01 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Give him his cat. He wants to give it away to hurt you. NPDs are such assholes and so cruel. The best way to deal with them is to take the wind out of their sails and just smile and say "Sounds great, I'm sure he/she/it will love the cat".

I'm sure you love the cat. Love your own sanity more. The more you clip his wings on thinking you give a shit, the sooner he will go find a new victim to torture the hell out of.


FBS, been through the D marathon too.
Many D Days in April 2009
Multiple affairs, LTAs, and many OWs
Reconciled... There is hope! :)


Posts: 607 | Registered: Apr 2009
caregiver9000
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with NoMoreDeceit. Put you first and don't pick unnecessary fights with an NPD.


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5938 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 9:18 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As an animal magnet, I have a different take. I'd keep the cat. It's 10-years old? It won't be around that much longer. It sleeps with you? It has already bonded with you. It also has bonded with "your" cat, and believe me when I tell you, cats that have been together for years & years will mourn when one cat disappears. I've had this happen in my own home two times now. Cats mourn.

I agree that one should not fight with an NPD if one does not have to. However, in this instance, I would consider it possibly worth the fight.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10133 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
SeeingRed
♀ 43015
Member # 43015
Default  Posted: 9:37 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for picking up on my main concern which is rattling the cage of an NPD. He can be vicious and I agree 100% this entire cat scenario is him baiting me because he knows I am not going to allow our cats to be traumatized.

I have also been looking for a new place...THAT ALLOWS CATS, cuz, I have a cat. Apparently for him and *his* cat, he talks about all the time and desperately wants, it doesn't mean he wouldn't take a place THAT DOESN'T ALLOW CATS.

OMG.

I hate him so fucking much.

This is a hard situation because I love Mr. Man but as we all know engaging in a battle with a NPD is a huge clusterfuck.


Still undecided but I think we all know I'm keeping the cat


Posts: 42 | Registered: Apr 2014
caregiver9000
♀ 28622
Member # 28622
Default  Posted: 9:48 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you are going to keep the cat, then I would not engage in conversation with him about the cat. If he keeps pushing the issue, then you can deny, gaslight, and act like he is crazy. You NEVER said anything about the cats at all?

If you have an agreement in writing regarding splitting the cats, then I would answer all communication from him with

"We can revisit this conversation if you move to a location that accepts cats."


Me: 44, independent, happy, despite co-parenting with a lower muppet
FT "Stretch" (and Skew!) ;)
DS 13 DS 10
S 5/2010
D 12/2012

Posts: 5938 | Registered: May 2010 | From: a better place
SeeingRed
♀ 43015
Member # 43015
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing in writing. I had always thought he gets apartment, he will get his cat. When he was picking up the last of his shit from my house over the weekend to move into his new place I asked, "Are you taking Mr. Man?". That's when he told me he planned on giving him away. I said nothing and haven't said anything.

Mr. Man woke me up in the middle of the night last night by kneading my head and I just started crying and couldn't sleep after that. I just can't do that to him.

So now that everything of his is gone (we have no children) I have no reason to ever communicate with him again.

He will try though. This will enrage him like nothing else because he thinks he *loves* his cat. He's NPD so doesn't realize him giving his cat away isn't love or that Mr. Man will suffer greatly because he lacks empathy.


Posts: 42 | Registered: Apr 2014
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 10:16 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

engaging in a battle with a NPD is a huge clusterfuck.

Trying to plan anything out in order to avoid poking the NPD bear is a big, fat waste of time because with an NPD, it doesn't matter how you go about anything.....it's always going to be wrong and you will always be punished.

His plan doesn't work. Period.
I wholeheartedly *second* CG9's entire post.....


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8252 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. If you're going to keep the cat, then don't bring him up again when talking to the asshole. And who knows, maybe if he does start to make a big deal out of it, offer him $20 for the cat. See if he'll take it and be done with the matter.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10133 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree. If you're going to keep the cat, then don't bring him up again when talking to the asshole. And who knows, maybe if he does start to make a big deal out of it, offer him $20 for the cat. See if he'll take it and be done with the matter.

I Iike this idea!

Just keep the cat and don't engage. If he isn't in the paperwork, he does not exist and therefore can't be fought over, right?


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
Sad87
♀ 33142
Member # 33142
Default  Posted: 11:30 PM, August 6th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Is the cat microchip? If not get him microchip in your name and address.

Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2011
RuckedUp
♀ 34268
Member # 34268
Default  Posted: 8:24 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell him the cat died. The cat is old. It is a believable lie.

Posts: 34 | Registered: Dec 2011
Cookie7088
♀ 30038
Member # 30038
Default  Posted: 9:03 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Keep the cat...Ignore him regarding the cat..

When he says he demands the cat to give away...

Tell him, "Take me to court..."

If it should come to that, have him explain to the judge that he cats aren't allowed at his place so he's giving him away...



Posts: 675 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: U.S.
Sad87
♀ 33142
Member # 33142
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know about telling him the cat died. What if he happens to see him. It's common for older cats to have kidney problems and to start spraying on wall and bedding. I would say one of the cat is having a bladder problem maybe?

Posts: 2 | Registered: Aug 2011
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's NPD so doesn't realize him giving his cat away isn't love or that Mr. Man will suffer greatly because he lacks empathy.

You clearly really do know how to love Mr. Man, and I think that's worth poking the bear for. If it were a piece of furniture or an object it wouldn't be worth it...but really, giving in to something that's just *wrong* about a living being is not right. The cat belongs with you.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
RuckedUp
♀ 34268
Member # 34268
Default  Posted: 10:27 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like the idea of telling him the cat has kidney problems, but you will have to convince him you want to get rid of the cat. Remember his motivation is not the cat. It is to upset you. If he thinks you do not want the cat, he will fight to keep him with you .

The cat died lie had another benefit. It forces you to maintain NC with the NPD, at least in regards to letting him in your house. Move him out, change the locks, keep the cat and move on with your life. It sounds like he has very little leaverage if all he can use is a cat. This is good news. Just remember with him it is never about what he says it is about, it is always about controlling you. You take away the control when you convince him you do not care about whatever it is he is trying to use to upset you.


Posts: 34 | Registered: Dec 2011
ButterflyGirl
♀ 38377
Member # 38377
Default  Posted: 10:46 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No good advice, just a funny story.

We also had 2 cats, and I initially took "my cat" when we separated and I left the marital home (since he refused to leave). The other one was my son's cat, and I wasn't all that fond of it, and I figured splitting them evenly was fair.

Then I found out he was treating the cat like shit, and since I had almost full custody and my son wanted his cat, I went and got that one too. I think my ex was relieved, and it turns out this is the snuggliest, sweetest cat ever, and I'm glad we got her

Then, when ex was cheating on OW with a 21-year-old twink, the twink bought my ex a cat since he was so "heartbroken" about not having a cat

But lo and behold, OW and twink found out about each other, and twink wanted the cat back, but ex refused.

A few months later, I FINALLY got exclusive use of the marital home and got it back, but the fuckhead said his apartment doesn't allow cats and that he was leaving it at the house for me.

Well, the house was trashed and needed tons of work before I could move back in, so after a few days of going over the feed the cat, I finally put my foot down and told him to come take the cat, which he refused to do.

Don't get me wrong, I love cats, and my kids liked the new cat, and it was a cute little bugger, but did I really want his OTHER OW's cat?!? Nope. After offering it back to the twink with no response, I put the cat in a cage with a few things, left it at the doorstep of his apartment and told him "NOT MY PROBLEM."

Kids said the poor thing was gone within a few weeks. I'm gonna guess OW didn't feel comfortable with the cat around either. Like she really wanted a reminder of the twink

I would say that he's abandoned long enough for it to be legally yours to do with as you wish. Just do whatever YOU want with cat. If it's too emotionally hard to keep it, as it was for me too, maybe try to find it a good home and buy yourself a new little kitty, one that is ALL yours


xBW~ 35
Two DS~ 7-Eleven
"I've wiped the shit off. It can be wiped off you know." ~ asurvivor

Posts: 2724 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Florida, USA
Topic Posts: 30
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