wow... yeah, my H had been cheated on by two long term relationship partners, and had had a lousy marriage where he was treated like a dog. Then we met, I was his Angel ... and then he cheated for the first time in his life, on me.
I am just three months out from D day, and I totally understand every one of the feelings that you have. Yes, we can feel and see that they are remorseful, and they do things to help, and they go to IC and maintain NC & etc... and then they say or do a totally asinine thing that makes us go WTH??? Is your head still in the fog???
I understand how you can love someone so much and then have days where it just seems its better if they did not come home. I understand the hope that H proves his love by constancy... but that we have to get over the trauma of them proving how much they have not loved. It forms an almost physical lump in the throat that we constantly have to try to swallow back. Its the hardest thing we will ever have to do, and we don't know if we are doing the right thing by giving them this gift -- but because we still love, it is really the only thing we can do.
Take some solace from knowing that I and a whole lot of newbies here are right there with you in every dark moment, we understand and we send out love and support, especially seeing as how so many others love and support us here. You are in the best of company xoxo