SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

takingitdaybyday posted 8/7/2014 02:03 AM

I am going on 6 months from Dday, and I find I have days where I am so frustrated with the whole A and how incredibly selfish they are. I think of how little consequences the A has for the WS (besides dealing with my feelings) and they get to just have their A then come back to a loving spouse who'd do anything for them even stay with them after their A. I see the OW with a new BF and how happy she is, then my WH who feels guilty but tells me that he just tries not to think about it - I wish it was that easy for me! I am constantly nagged with the images of loving words he said to her, or him coming home to kiss me goodnight and having just been with her that same day, how he could just look me in the eye and lie. They plague my mind some days.

I love him so much and yet I cannot imagine doing this to him. The A has such an impact of self doubt, insecurity, anger..etc etc. that why would a loving human do such a thing to someone they love? I think that a lot.. like HOW could he do this to me.. to us? And WHY did he do this, what did he think was going to happen? He had been cheated on before by other girlfriends and he always said he would NEVER do that to someone.. so HOW could he knowingly do that even after he had experienced being cheated on and those feelings? UGH. Not being able to just vent to him too is hard - because you don't want to cause a huge fight or have him say "I thought we were moving forward but obviously not".. I want to move forward and feel like I am but I just have some days where I get so frustrated with the whole A that I wish I could just say HOW COULD YOU.. but its reopening that wound again.

I feel like he is truly remorseful, I feel like we are doing well and he is doing a lot for me and us... I just get these days that make me think of the alternative.. how much easier it would be to not deal with these feelings.. just moving on alone. But I know in my heart I love him so much and these feelings just come in waves and do eventually go away. I just have moments where I will think of something to do with the A and I will just start crying because its just not right what he did and now I get to deal with his selfish mistake. Ugh. Thanks for letting me vent :) Heres to good days.. and hopefully less often frustrating ones. If anyone has tips to help me deal with these - or a way of communicating with your WS that seems effective during these times please let me know :)

RomanticInnocenc posted 8/7/2014 03:36 AM

Ummmmm TIDBD, you have EVERY right to be frustrated, and you have EVERY right to bring it up. There should be no fight, there should be a remorseful husband holding your hand while you get out any emotion you need to. He then should be telling you how sorry he is for your pain and what he is going to do to fix it. Then when you no longer need him there to comfort you, he should be going and doing that! The line "I thought we were moving on but I guess not" is a manipulation to get you to feel guilty about still not being over it! It is wayward 101. You don't carry the guilt now, HE does! I'm 7 months out tomorrow from dday 1, we talk about it every day. I have cried every day for 7 months without fail, sometimes in sadness, sometimes in rage and injustice. YOU give him the consequences, do they fit the crime? Unfortunately not because they still get to keep their family jewels, but we give the consequences and if our waywards aren't able to handle them and try to manipulate us into moving on, then they aren't worth the gift of R!

You deserve more TIDBD!

[This message edited by RomanticInnocenc at 3:36 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]

Amazingyetlost posted 8/7/2014 03:39 AM

Dear takingitdaybyday

wow... yeah, my H had been cheated on by two long term relationship partners, and had had a lousy marriage where he was treated like a dog. Then we met, I was his Angel ... and then he cheated for the first time in his life, on me.

I am just three months out from D day, and I totally understand every one of the feelings that you have. Yes, we can feel and see that they are remorseful, and they do things to help, and they go to IC and maintain NC & etc... and then they say or do a totally asinine thing that makes us go WTH??? Is your head still in the fog???

I understand how you can love someone so much and then have days where it just seems its better if they did not come home. I understand the hope that H proves his love by constancy... but that we have to get over the trauma of them proving how much they have not loved. It forms an almost physical lump in the throat that we constantly have to try to swallow back. Its the hardest thing we will ever have to do, and we don't know if we are doing the right thing by giving them this gift -- but because we still love, it is really the only thing we can do.

Take some solace from knowing that I and a whole lot of newbies here are right there with you in every dark moment, we understand and we send out love and support, especially seeing as how so many others love and support us here. You are in the best of company xoxo

Hatemyhusband posted 8/7/2014 05:25 AM

Bottling it in causes resentment to fester, IMHO. I say to my ah, "I know u want me to move on, but if it is in my head and we want a shot at working out, I need to verbalize it to u. If I don't, it's still in my head and I'm still hurting. Bc I may fry when I speak about it, doesn't mean I shouldn't. It's a release. And it may be tough for u to keep hearing, but I didn't get to live in fantasy land for two years; I was mind fycked for two years"

Verbalize. Discuss. Let him see the pain he's caused. Try to prevent snarky comments. Address it all

takingitdaybyday posted 8/7/2014 23:57 PM

Amazingyetlost - I felt the same way because my WH had told me how he had horrible relationships in the past where all of his long term relationships they had cheated on him - and finally I was his 'one' that he knew because he trusted me, and I was honest and loyal.. and then what thanks do I get? He cheats on me instead.

For the last couple of days I have just been so down. I know I should be able to voice my concerns.. and I do.. but then he just gets so down on himself and as much as he should I love him and don't want him to feel down too. Is that messed up?

I was crying today about how stupid I was.. trusting anything he said.. even when in my gut I thought hmm that seems odd.. I know now to trust my gut. But I never would've thought he'd do this to me.. never in a million years.. but I guess we all think that. I just wonder sometimes if we'll ever be truly happy again or will this plague me for the rest of my life if I stay with him. Is that wrong?