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ProbableIceCream posted 8/7/2014 02:08 AM

I'm feeling really lonely and isolated today. I miss my daughter and my sister, and the few friends I had back where I lived. Not that I was really close to any of the friends, but still..

I also miss having the routine of going to work. This relocating thing is a big change.

Well, at least my daughter will be here soon and I'm starting to occasionally do social things, but man...

Egh. My sister's coming up here in a few months too and I felt pretty isolated where I came from too, but here at least I feel like I'm getting a fresh start. And I do know how to reach out. It's just me realizing today (while meditating actually) that isolation is a factor.

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 2:11 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]

Sad in AZ posted 8/7/2014 06:57 AM

You'll get there. I made some big changes in the past 4 years since I left the X. I moved 2 hours away, then 1000 miles away and now I'm 2500 miles away from where I called home for 22 years. My DS, DDIL and DGS are 2000 miles away. I'm 3+ hours away from my childhood friends, but I see them every few months or so. It's been wonderful reconnecting with them. I'm living in the area that I loved as a child.

I moved here for a job that fell through in the first week, so I had to start over again. I now have a very challenging job, but that's what I was looking for.

I'm alone, but I'm content. I love where I live. I'm rediscovering my old love of birding. I'm traveling around my new (old) home.

As I said, you'll get there. Relax and enjoy your new surroundings. You're in a beautiful area.

ProbableIceCream posted 8/7/2014 09:12 AM

Thanks, Sad. I don't think it's a constant thing, fortunately.. I woke up this morning and was feeling better.

norabird posted 8/7/2014 09:14 AM

Any chance you can find some meetup groups as you start to settle into Seattle? I know you can build up a wonderful community for yourself there, it will just take some time and persistence.

(((PIC)))

ProbableIceCream posted 8/7/2014 10:50 AM

nora, it's actually Portland metro, but you read my mind. Meetup is how I got back into the habit of being more social back in [PREVIOUS LOCATION] and I was just thinking about that again this morning. It really is a matter of habit because the more time you spend alone the more you feel like isolating yourself, which is kind of weird, but true.

This of course means that I want to scope out some child care for when I do things I can't take my daughter to (e.g. meetups in my field), but there is a local meetup for single parents also.

ETA: and by Portland metro I mean a suburb of Portland -- downtown is about 20 minutes away.

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 10:52 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]

Nature_Girl posted 8/7/2014 16:28 PM

After I kicked my ex out of the house I went to my neighbors' houses, knocked on their doors and introduced myself. I was so isolated from everyone, even the people who lived right next door. I have tried very hard to start my life over now that I have this second chance, and that includes going outside my comfort zone & meeting people, introducing myself to people, just trying to be friendly... Although I cherish solitude, I finally realize the value of a social life.

Forged1 posted 8/7/2014 17:15 PM

I moved from my home country in 2008, leaving family, friends, my own place and a decent career to be here in the US with she who would become STBXWW. That was a decision and choice that I made, and it was made at the time for the right reasons.

Since my relationship with STBXWW has obviously changed, my relationship with the US has also changed. I came here as part of an established and committed couple. My Potential Other Person radar had been put into storage.

Going back to where I came from an starting all over again for the second time in six years is not an option. It doesn't make economic sense to do so - I'd only dig myself a hole that would take the guts of a decade to fill. I now have to redefine my relationship with this country of three hundred and something million strangers, and I have to do that without the support of family.

The US is not always the easiest place to be a single person who wants to build a social network. I'm not even talking about a relationship with a significant other, I'm talking about finding friends. That said, there is a savage beauty to having to do what I'm doing. I can either sit at home every night of the week making myself bitter and miserable while staring at the four walls, praying that morning rolls around so I can go to work and have a bit of human contact, or I can do what needs to be done - go out and find people like myself.

The US is full of lonely people. In fact, if you'll bear with a bit of constructive criticism, I have never seen so many 'connected' folks via the likes of Facebook or similar but simultaneously unhappy and lonely people as I do here. I remember being in a bar one night almost five years ago and looking down along the counter at the people there - every single one of them was glued to their phone, yet none of them spoke to the person next to them. I thought it was very sad, mainly because where I come from, you go to a bar because you want to drink and talk to people. If all you want to do is look at your phone, you'd probably be better off staying at home and getting a few beers out of the fridge. It'd be cheaper for a start.

Isolation is a disease, and it is killing this country. So many of us are looking at the next thing online when we should be looking at what's right in front of us.

Use the internet for finding stuff out, and then put it away. Shut your phone or PC or tablet off and go out the door. The world isn't going to come to you if you stay inside with the door closed. Go out to a bookstore, library, park, museum, restaurant or bar or run or swim go to the gym wherever. Go to the movies, or the theatre - stuff that you'd normally do as part of a couple or with friends - but do it by yourself and for yourself. Make contact. Greet your neighbors. Pass the time of day with them. And then come home and be easy with yourself. Then go and do it all over again the next day.

People are forgetting in this age of instant gratification that friendships and relationships take the most hated word on SI - time. We all just want the crap through which we've been wading to be over already, and to move on and feel awesome and have a billion friends and al the rest of it but, fuck it, guys - that's just not even close to being realistic. Any new beginning, whether with a set of friends or a move or a job or a new SO or a house or whatever is going to take some time. Not only do we have to walk before we can run, we - given our particularly crappy circumstances - have to learn to crawl all over again before we can even contemplate walking. And we learn to crawl by learning to be our own best friend.

Everything in time. Push yourselves, but don't be too hard on yourselves either. But take yourself out of the house or condo or wherever, and go and have a few adventures.

HurtingandLost posted 8/7/2014 17:31 PM

@forged1 -

People are forgetting in this age of instant gratification that friendships and relationships take the most hated word on SI - time. We all just want the crap through which we've been wading to be over already, and to move on and feel awesome and have a billion friends and al the rest of it but, fuck it, guys - that's just not even close to being realistic. Any new beginning, whether with a set of friends or a move or a job or a new SO or a house or whatever is going to take some time. Not only do we have to walk before we can run, we - given our particularly crappy circumstances - have to learn to crawl all over again before we can even contemplate walking. And we learn to crawl by learning to be our own best friend.


One of the best posts I've read in a long time. Thank you for expressing something so clearly that I've struggled to express for years.

ProbableIceCream posted 8/7/2014 17:31 PM

Not bad advice. I think once my daughter gets here most of what I go do is going to need to include her because ... Well, she's 8. But I can get child care for the occasional thing that isn't kid friendly.

[This message edited by ProbableIceCream at 5:32 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]

wildbananas posted 8/7/2014 17:51 PM

People are forgetting in this age of instant gratification that friendships and relationships take the most hated word on SI - time. We all just want the crap through which we've been wading to be over already, and to move on and feel awesome and have a billion friends and al the rest of it but, fuck it, guys - that's just not even close to being realistic. Any new beginning, whether with a set of friends or a move or a job or a new SO or a house or whatever is going to take some time. Not only do we have to walk before we can run, we - given our particularly crappy circumstances - have to learn to crawl all over again before we can even contemplate walking. And we learn to crawl by learning to be our own best friend.

This is so true... I made an out-of-state move three months ago and man, starting over at 46 wasn't easy. I was lucky in that I moved to an area where my SO lived and I had a job lined up with a company I'd worked with for 12 years but even so, it's been hard. I expected everything to fall into place right away and all I can say to that is .

So I've cut myself some slack... way more than my personality normally dictates. I'm finally getting it that building a new life takes time. And while it's hard it's also kind of exciting. And yes, it's okay that it takes time. It took time to build the last stage, why shouldn't it take time to do this one?

[This message edited by wildbananas at 5:52 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]

ProbableIceCream posted 8/7/2014 20:03 PM

I actually spent a few hours out today. Unfortunately towards the end I started feeling more and more overwhelmed/anxious/frustrated.. so I came home.

There's too much stuff going on in my head right now, not to mention med changes and other stuff, to put a label on any of this, so I'm just going to keep emphasizing more time outside (which is basically one half of why I moved here in the first place) and see what happens.

I was tempted to say 'social anxiety' but it feels more like the introvert sensory overload thing because it doesn't magically go away when I'm not around people. It fades slowly when I'm resting in an environment that I control (car is okay, home is better, my room at home is best). Cardio also seems to dissipate it (most of the time), and it really also depends on the day and my general level of stress and a ton of other things. But yeah, I'm just going to keep trying...

gypsybird87 posted 8/7/2014 20:19 PM

I actually spent a few hours out today. Unfortunately towards the end I started feeling more and more overwhelmed/anxious/frustrated.. so I came home.

Good for you for getting out! And for knowing when to head back home.

It was this way for me. After dday I had new limits for what I could handle, and I didn't know where those limits were until I unwittingly crossed one and was miserable. Too much alone time- depressing, lonely, not good. Too much social interaction- stressful, exhausting, not good. Too much quiet- the brain goes into overdrive, not good. Too much noise- can't think straight and just want to cry, not good.

You get the idea. I felt so fragile those first few months. Like trying to steer a wobbly little boat down a river, with sharp rocks on both sides. But with every limit crossed, I learned how to take better care of myself. I found balance, and so will you. And as you heal more you'll be able to handle more.

Hang in there.

((PIC))

ProbableIceCream posted 8/7/2014 20:34 PM

Thanks, gypsy. That makes me feel a bit better about myself. Maybe I am just seeking a balance over time.

Amazonia posted 8/7/2014 21:10 PM

If routine helps, would you think about doing something like pick a favorite coffee shop and go for 2 hours each morning to work on job hunting? You could build your own routine and continue working on the goals you're already focused on.

ProbableIceCream posted 8/7/2014 21:24 PM

Coffee shop thing is not a bad idea at all. I will try it.

By the way, it's not that I'm having trouble finding examples of jobs that I think I could do... I'm just trying not to pick the wrong job, and I'm trying to be sincere about what I actually have passion for, which is really hard when I'm going through this time where almost everything I usually enjoy is kind of flat. I don't feel like myself and I don't trust large decisions. I was a little bit like this before I moved, which is part of why I moved actually, but for now I'm even more so.

sunsetslost posted 8/8/2014 17:10 PM

towards the end I started feeling more and more overwhelmed/anxious/frustrated.. so I came home.


I know the feeling all too well. Last week I wanted to see a movie. I've been to a couple. This time I sat in the parking lot for twenty minutes. I just couldn't go in. Same things with malls, parks, and god forbid a bar or two.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's normal. You're not the only one. But it's ok. It's a huge change and it takes time to adjust.

And when I do conquer a place, a moment, a situation; man it's the best feeling in the world. I dove around the baseball stadium four times on Tuesday. I gave myself every excuse: 'What if it rains......what if I don't have a $5 bill for parking.......what if it's crowded........what if I can't make a left turn out of here?'

I would've missed this... (Apologies for those who saw it)

[URL=http://s28.photobucket.com/user/jojodadancinbear/media/47EB562F-2E53-4623-9714-5FB07CE560B5_zpsyuquyn0q.jpg.html][/URL]


ProbableIceCream posted 8/11/2014 16:26 PM

Nice looking photo!

Interesting article on the subject of socialization/neighbors --

http://www.macleans.ca/society/the-end-of-neighbours/


Amazonia posted 8/11/2014 19:38 PM

It fades slowly when I'm resting in an environment that I control (car is okay, home is better, my room at home is best). Cardio also seems to dissipate it (most of the time), and it really also depends on the day and my general level of stress and a ton of other things.

Do you have intentional downtime and exercise built into your daily schedule? Not just getting to the end of the day, being overwhelmed and going home, but scheduled, planned, intended and looked forward to?

ProbableIceCream posted 8/11/2014 21:08 PM

Hmm. Typically for me? I'm not even sure I remember now. I know that I've always cherished time by myself, and time to be calm. I think the closest I've had to scheduled downtime was looking forward to having it after work and on the weekend. Exercise? That does tend to work much better for me when it's scheduled, and especially when I can find someone to do it with.

Amazonia posted 8/12/2014 07:18 AM

At least until you are into a routine, I wonder if it would help to intentionally schedule down time - even if you're getting a lot incidentally right now - and exercise to help you stabilize?

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