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surprised by feelings post D

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cantaccept posted 8/7/2014 05:39 AM

Not at all what I was expecting to feel but that sure is a good thing! I expected to feel worse, feel more pain, be grieving more because of thee finality of it.

I feel better! Not sure if it will last but I will enjoy it while it does. Also, if I should go down, feel that intense pain again, I can hold on to knowing how this feels, that the pain will not be a constant state of being.

I have started playing my flute and singing again with my good friend. It feels like reclaiming myself, a good part of me that I lost, a part that gives me pure joy. I have rediscovered total immersion in something that I enjoy! I have not had that since dday 1, almost 2 years of having that pain, that tape running in the background, the music helps to erase it now. For 2 years I could not listen to music, instant freefall into the pit of pain. I could not sing. I couldn't imagine ever enjoying music again. Funny the one thing that triggered my pain the worst is now the one thing that is helping me to heal.

Just wanted to put this out there for others to give hope. It really does get better. I did not believe it. I would read others posts of hope, of the promise of feeling better, but honestly I could just not believe it was true. It is true.

I am not happy about what has happened. I would have preferred to never know what this kind of pain feels like. I did survive it though and I do see light now. I see that I really deserved so much more throughout our marriage. I was losing myself and was too busy surviving each day to even consider if I was living my life.

So, day 2 after divorce, first morning in almost 2 years, my first thought for the first time, the very first time was not of him, what he had done, how he did not care, how he would rather watch me suffer than help me, instead my first waking thought, MUSIC! I had a song in my head when I woke up!

I am grateful.

FaithFool posted 8/7/2014 06:49 AM

That's great news.

I'm a singer/musician too, and couldn't pick up the guitar for a couple of years without making myself cry.

I've slowly picked it up again and really enjoy those moments, but have not resumed the songwriting yet. That part seems to have shut off completely for now.

But I expect when it comes back, it will be epic.

In the meantime I've channelled that creativity into writing award-winning academic essays, which is just another way of telling a story really.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 6:50 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]

phmh posted 8/7/2014 06:51 AM

Can, what a great post! You have made so much progress. I can't wait to see what else you do in the upcoming months/years. I know you have an amazing life in front of you!!!

I know this isn't the life you would have chosen, but I think you'll be pleasantly surprised at how wonderful it is.

norabird posted 8/7/2014 09:07 AM

(((((can)))))

Chrysalis123 posted 8/7/2014 09:30 AM

hurtbs posted 8/7/2014 09:37 AM

I feel better!

The worst part is the process and uncertainty. With it finalized, that part of it is done and you can start moving forward in your life.

It feels like reclaiming myself

You are, because you are no longer part of a couple! This is so good tha tyou are viewing this as a positive.

You're right that it will still be a roller coaster, but I found (and this is my personal experience) that once the uncertainty of it was done, things were much better.

blakesteele posted 8/7/2014 11:32 AM

Happy for you Can.

Keep posting....we got your back.

Peace

Kajem posted 8/7/2014 11:55 AM

I have started playing my flute and singing again with my good friend. It feels like reclaiming myself, a good part of me that I lost, a part that gives me pure joy. I have rediscovered total immersion in something that I enjoy!

Can,

I just love this part of your post!! Keep on moving on with joy in your steps and heart.

Hugs,
K

Nature_Girl posted 8/7/2014 12:03 PM

I, too, have found music to be a path back to wholeness. So glad you are on your way as well!

dreamlife posted 8/7/2014 13:54 PM

I felt just great, then I went very down awhile. Its been a real strange rollercoaster ride post D. Now I am enjoying music again...after watching "Sugar Man" DVD & listening to Sixto Rodriguiz. =)

Happy for you!

badmedicine posted 8/7/2014 23:15 PM

THIS! Especially compared to how you felt a few days ago, before the D was final, is awesome. Inspiring. I can feel your hope and your progress and it gives me hope, too.

Hopeful74 posted 8/7/2014 23:47 PM

Wow Can!! How positive. I can not wait to get to that point!!! Congrats!

cantaccept posted 8/8/2014 05:45 AM

Thank you everyone, I hope that I was able to offer a bit of hope to anyone that is struggling and finding hard to "believe".

Day 3 post D and I am still feeling good.

I am just so shocked by this still, I really thought I would feel worse. Making plans to play music again, weeded my garden for hours last night and would have kept going but it got dark.

People at work, people that don't know what I have been going through are commenting, several yesterday, "you look so happy", I even got two, never heard this before in my life but two people said, "you are glowing", wow, it shows, the relief shows.

Again, this is not what I wanted for my life but the way he treated me throughout our marriage and then laying infidelity and abandonment on top, sure don't want that.

It feels so good to throw away those eggshells, still some scattered about but I remind myself, I can stomp on them if I want to!

Just wanted to let you all know, no downward turn yet.

In spite of the repeated phone calls from him, I am still good. I just look at the phone and I don't answer! I don't have to! There is nothing left to say, there was too much said already.

I am not even blocking him because I do not have to, it is my choice to not answer and that feels kind of empowering.

Who would have thought????

Strength and hope to everyone, it really gets easier. There is life on the "other side".

Can (and did!)

Pass posted 8/8/2014 08:11 AM

Strength and hope to everyone, it really gets easier. There is life on the "other side".

Can (and did!)

Yay for you!

homewrecked2011 posted 8/8/2014 08:38 AM

Count me in for this, too! 2.5 years out and I enjoyed a night out with friends this week at a C/W club and really enjoyed the music!!! Dancing, singing, it was great to be in the moment.

I hope this helps others, too. My XWS began a year affair with a woman he set me up to become friends with AFTER he was screwing her in our home while I was at work. AND XWH pretended to be her H's friend. Immediately after dday, I found out she has been married before, cheated, her H murdered her boyfriend, then killed himself. It was alot to process. I got a great counselor, even had to go outpatient treatment center.

That said,, I really feels great to have music and dancing back into my life, and I actually feel happy again for the most part!!

7yrsflushed posted 8/8/2014 09:31 AM

This is a great post! I am thrilled when I see posts like this because they remind us that we do in fact "Survive Infidelity".

Enjoy rediscovering yourself and your happiness.

nutmegkitty posted 8/8/2014 10:42 AM

Good stuff!!!!!

Futurefear posted 8/8/2014 21:42 PM

Smiling through tears!
I needed to hear hope and happiness and peace exist again!

thebighurt posted 8/8/2014 23:16 PM

Congratulations, Can! I hope this wonderful feeling continues for you as it has for me, almost 2.5 years from D.

Immediately after xpos left on Dday, I felt as if a weight had been lifted from my chest. When D was close, I was sure I would break down when it was time to sign the final papers. I have a dear friends who was on almost the exact same timeline for Dday and the D. We had discussed it several times. But when the days finally came, we were both elated and only felt relief.

MY life is so much better now! NO MORE mental, verbal or emotional abuse; no one to control my thoughts and actions! Finally free to learn who *I* am and what *I* want from life!! Like my tag line says and where I'm from at the bottom of my posts.

((((Can))))

cantaccept posted 8/9/2014 09:34 AM

thebighurt, I often read where you were from and I couldn't figure out what you meant! LOL, I thought you were referring to the "bad" side, the infidelity and pain side!

Now I get it! I so get it I live there too now! It was the hardest, most painful journey but I really like it on this side.

It is day 4 after D, still feeling good. Had a terrible trigger yesterday, a really bad one but after it was over, I was fine. I was able to let it go and enjoy the rest of my day.

I saw xwh when I stopped for gas this morning, he drove by, just out of the corner of my eye, I didn't even feel the desire to look. Just wished that he lived further away, .

I am having a "friend" over for dinner in a couple of days. A guy I have known for several years casually, always liked him, we always talked about music and other things when he would come in to where I work. I never thought of him any other way than just a nice guy. I never thought of anyone in that way, probably because I was married and had boundaries and took my vows seriously.

Anyway, I think I could actually think of someone "in that way"! I was wondering if that part of me was dead, just gone, well I guess it isn't.

This feels safe, a slow start. A date with a friend that I like and feel safe with.

On Sunday I am playing music again with another friend, this "other side" feels pretty nice.

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