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2nd dd day can marriage survive

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wanttosurvive posted 8/7/2014 07:10 AM

I have been posting again here on SI so maybe some know the story... Ugh hate repeating but here goes,
My H and I have been together forever ... Infedilty hit and was by far the worst time of my life I completely crashed, basically had to be peeled up off the floor. Recovery was slow, and on going. Lots of outside help and I thought we were better not great but better. I was checking my husband's phone when I found this new email exchange with new OW. This was in May.
I think I may be having some kind of weird delayed reaction.
We went right into MC lots of talk, he is doing everything right or trying too. Basically at this point in my life I don't really want to D. The legistics seem overwhelming at best! BUT .... WTF
I am back to the horrible triggers, mood swings, nausea
I am so angry!
Thoughts from WS or BS who have similar situation would be great. Here is the hard part I don't believe my H is a bad guy I think his behavior is completely unacceptable!!! It is just not ok on any level!!!! Most days I don't think the M can survive this second hit. It is really sad. Almost 40 years together is a long time!!! I feel too old for this shit!!!

rachelc posted 8/7/2014 07:38 AM

has your husband found the why's to his affair? Does he understand he's reaching for a coping mechanism that is an escape from the pain only he can heal? Does he get that? Does he read or post here? Usually, the BS needs to be ready to leave the marriage to save it when it gets to this point. are you ok walking away and does he know this? I wasn't strong enough to leave on my second Dday and I regret it. Not that we wouldn't have recovered, but hubby needed to know I meant business.

Regarding recovering from two Ddays: it's hard. Near impossible. Years for trust to come back. But if you have many years together and they were positive and have family, etc, it may be worth it.

[This message edited by rachelc at 7:40 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]

BtraydWife posted 8/7/2014 07:46 AM

A second dday is a sign that he didn't resolve his issues. Whatever it was that he did, wasn't enough.

He NEEDS IC, I wouldn't attempt R without that. If he doesn't figure out his real reasons then there will be a third dday. And really get this part-he can not do this on his own or in MC. He needs someone to push him and dig deep into his issues.

wanttosurvive posted 8/7/2014 07:55 AM

Hi thx for response, sometimes I think he gets it, we have a really good MC, my problem is I thought he got it before. So now I trust nothing! My whole marriage feels in question.
There is so much here that revolves around my family it feels really overwhelming right this minute. I am off to go horseback riding... Trying to put good things back into my life! I am going to check back in later. I want to get healthy, I don't want my H problems to define me. My commitment to myself is to stay more involved with SI, in the past I backed away for a bunch of reasons... Fear of putting myself out there, fear of some of the responses, I basically am a really private person. I know I need help, clarity and to hear myself. Be back later thx

JLyn1128 posted 8/7/2014 09:29 AM

Wanttosurvive...this is DD #3 for me and WSO. We've been together for 29 years, living together for 16 or 17 of that. His AP, same younger woman each time. We are both 62. The first DD was right after we moved in together. I rugswept and he promised. She was this young girl that he met on his bowling league. They went to a bar after bowling and she followed him into the men's room and had sex with him there. She did this a couple of times. I thought at the time...what man wouldn't love that?? He quit the league and we moved on without even talking about it. I don't know exactly, but almost 10 years later she wrote to me and told me about their 5 year A. He was home every night and weekend. So, their 'meetings' could only have been lunch hour quickies. But she saw 'love' in that. There were tears and yelling and a lot of drama....more promises...but no real talk or dealing. More rugsweeping by me. We bought our dream home and lived here for only 2 years before he started 'seeing' her again. According to them both, they 'saw' each other for over a year and a half before they started having sex. I found out on Christmas eve morning. I had found a possible place to move to (I have horses and dogs so finding a place to move was not easy) and it scared him lifeless. He asked me to stay long enough to hear him out and see if there was any way to fix it.

Sorry this is long, but I wanted you to know the background before I speak to your question. You said you were going horseback riding, and I wondered if you have horses as well...if you do, I know the special problems involved in trying to separate a life when you share living beings. Some of the younger people here have children, and that is a special consideration you have to give, but for me, the thought of splitting up horses and dogs was just as hard. And that's before you get to the household goods and the house itself. So I stayed, he talked, I talked, I got IC. He was willing to go if I asked. We had our own counseling session after each of mine. He has done everything, listening, reworking the way we deal with problems, opening up himself. Things are marvelous between us. I have no reason to doubt him...but that's the pattern. A long honeymoon period and then he seeks out this woman who apparently is ALWAYS available for him (she's been available to him for half of the 16 years off and on....WTF? No life of her own?)

My story is this...3 DD's is enough. I did not deal with the issues the last two times. So I felt it was in my own best interests to TRY this time as long as we could work on it. I love this man. I want to be with him, we are good friends and are working on being good lovers and partners. BUT, this is it. I live every day now knowing that this could happen again. I am doing everything I can do, on my own part, to be the partner he needs (not excusing his choice of having an A to deal with problems, but I owe it to myself and to him to work on my own issues.) If it happens again...that tells me it has nothing to do with me and he is unable or unwilling to curb his own destructive methods of dealing. I won't stay again.

You are already in MC and IC? Are you certain he's really working on it, or going through the motions? What was in the email exchange? Was he trying to pick up the A again, or seeking emotional support? Does it matter? For me, one more time and I'm out. Horses, dogs and all and I have a plan in place and he knows it. It involves a friend all the way across the country with a barn and a spare room and he would never see me again. THAT's what keeps him working on it now.

You kind of have to know what that line is for yourself. We're both toeing my line. As long as he is working on his own issues and we are both working to make our life together better than his A...I forgive the past. Maybe that's the point...what is he still looking for with her? What was he missing that he wanted her to give him and why did he not want that from you? If there is something he needs that he CANNOT get from you... you have two options, let him go find what he wants elsewhere or you live with his cheating forever. Only you two can work that out.

If this rambled, I'm sorry. But I know the pain of multiple DDs and it just comes pouring out sometimes. I'm so sorry you have to face it too.

MomtoRoses posted 8/7/2014 09:37 AM

My heart goes out to you. I don't know if I could pick up my life again and resume. We did well for many months, and then I caught my wh wishing a beautiful younger woman a happy birthday (he had taken her on a date before but nothing physical happened so he didn't see it as breaking no contact bc nothing happened physically).

I don't know how trust comes but it takes a LOOOOOONG time.

wanttosurvive posted 8/7/2014 13:27 PM

I don't have horses I ride at a near by farm. But the idea of dismantling my life feels huge. I did go see a lawyer last time and we had 2 separations while going through the first A. the financial side of things would not be easy. The emotional even harder,
He is working on the why and doing things right, I know he is trying. Although that is what I thought before. That is what drives me crazy! There was a period after the first A when he was in the fog, then he wanted to be a cake eater, crazy stuff! He slowly emerged out of all that and I thought we had gotten to a safe place. Apparently not! To tell you the truth I couldn't begin to figure out why he has done this, not sure I even want to know. What I need help with is how do I not get torn to shreds again! I know intellectually that this isn't really about me it is about him, but really WTF? As for my line in the sand I can't even believe I accepted him back after the first A. And now, I don't even know myself. I am basically a really strong woman who would tell you there would be no way in hell I would live through a second dd. but here I am. I find it hard to be clear about the relationship on this message board, there are so many different levels to a long term M. I do know my H loves me as crazy as that may sound. I do know that this is a deal breaker for me on so many levels and yet I love my H I love my life that we have built up over the years. We are just getting to the place of having the kids grown and independent (almost) I have a D at home who is having a hard time getting launched. That doesn't help. I could ask him to leave but truthfully I don't see him doing very well. Ugh!!!!! Which would impact me and my family.
I just don't feel like there are easy answers, I can keep weathering this and say next time that is it. That is what I have told him, there will be no talking no discussion I will be in the attorneys office and he will be served divorce papers, AND
I don't think I will be nice about it! I am pretty sure he believes it! We go again to MC Monday - my last session I went by myself I was ready to walk, now I am not sure. This up and down back and forth is really hard! Talk about long winded, thx for listening and responding it does help!!!

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