Thanks for this Pass. I wrestle with this myself. Especially lately. While I'm grateful that I didn't commit suicide, I have some survivor's guilt over not having committed suicide.
A big part of me is convinced that had I went ahead and killed myself like I had planned, my brother would have seen it and would be here today. What stopped me 2 days from pulling it off was I saw the aftermath of a classmate committing suicide and the impact that it had on her friends and family. So I didn't and picked my bags back up. A big part of me is convinced that if my brother had seen me do it, that he would have had the same conclusion that I did and he would still be here today. I know it's illogical but it a big part of my DNA at this point.
I do remember that once I made the decision to do it, that was the most peaceful time of my life. Nothing mattered anymore and I had let it all go.
depression is a liar
Yes it is. I need to remind myself of that.