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I left him.....

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NobleHeart posted 8/7/2014 08:29 AM

A few months ago I got engaged to a man with a history of depression (self diagnosed) we were in the middle of planning our weeding when he confessed to me (3 weeks before the wedding) that he had cheated on me ONCE-according to him-with an old flame, a woman that he had been with off and on for the last 13 years.

Before the confession, he had just been diagnosed with Bipolar II, which, among other things, tends to increase an individual’s sex appetite during hypomanic episodes. I started researching the condition and every single article said that people with bipolar disease tend to have sexual indiscretions. When I shared this information with him he got defensive and days later the confession came. I COULD NOT believe it! I felt like he cut my chest open and ripped my heart out! I NEVER SAW IT COMING. I demanded to see his cell phone records to verify that he hadn’t been communicating with her, and he went crazy. To avoid facing the problem, he tried to commit suicide by locking himself in his vehicle on a very hot day. I called the police and they were able to find him and he ended up in the hospital; he was declared 51/50 and spent the night at a psychiatric hospital. I picked him up the following morning and I told him that I couldn’t marry him, he insisted, but I just couldn’t say yes. On the same day I called all the wedding vendors and canceled everything. And without giving my mom a reason, I asked her to tell my family members that the wedding was canceled.

We continued talking for the next couple of weeks and he was checking in with me all the time but I still couldn’t trust him (I figured he was so good at hiding this from me once, he would do it again). He ended up showing me his cell phone bills and sure enough, they had been texting (and at the very least emotionally cheating on me) the whole time him and I were together. He says that it was only texting and even confessed to flirting but that the last time he saw her was when he cheated on me a year ago. He claims that she texted him to know how he was doing and almost always asked him if he was still in a relationship (with me). He also said that she was out of a job and texted him for work references. I just don’t believe him. I can’t believe a word he says anymore. How can he say ‘I love you’ and turn around and stab me for the entire length of our relationship? Then the ‘coup de grace” is to drop the news to me three weeks before we get married? After everything blew up, everyone in his side (family and friends) were consoling him and were focused on his attempted suicide…No one bothered to think about how I was feeling. His brother even cautioned him and told him to be careful with my jealousy and questioned his decision to stay with me. I was appalled! HOLD ON, What????? I didn’t do anything here! I wasn’t the one that cheated! All of a sudden I get the “jealous” label because I asked to see the phone records??? The whole reason why I didn’t find out about all this bullshit before is because I WAS NOT JEALOUS, I trusted him- too much. I thought that if anyone had to be questioned about staying in the relationship that would be ME not him!

Needless to say I felt alone, nobody seem to care about me, he wasn’t validating my feelings, he didn’t seem remorseful and there was a cold air in him that I just couldn’t help not to notice. Last week we went to counseling session and the therapist reiterated everything that I had been telling him and aahhhh….a neutral person finally validated my feelings and I felt relieved. I ended our relationship the next day. I just can’t stay, I can’t. I was already sacrificing a lot by accepting to deal with his depression AND possibly having a bipolar child like him-since the bipolar gene runs in his family. I could deal with a lot but I just can’t get myself to deal with infidelity, that, I WILL NOT accept. Bipolar disease=infidelity so the thought of having to constantly check on him to make sure that he is not cheating would be a complete torture! Plus he is a very bright man, I am sure his condition had something to do with what he did but he is not an idiot, he knows the difference between right and wrong and for God’s sake he claims to be a Christian man! So to me if he was good enough to go fuck around, then he should be good enough to face the consequences. I also think it was wrong for people to be babying him because I just don’t believe that the ‘bipolar card/depression’ should be used as a scapegoat to get away with bullshit.

Schadenfreude posted 8/7/2014 08:35 AM

You know you did the right thing. Do you want to be a wife in a marriage or be a cop and psychiatrist to your husband? Be thankful you're not a co-dependent or you would have married this dream man. A lifetime of trying to fix him. Let some co-dependent find him, marry him and try to fix him.

You called him a very bright man. Well, I think you are a very bright woman.

veronique12 posted 8/7/2014 08:43 AM

Totally agree with Schadenfreude. I'm so sorry for the pain you're feeling now and the injustice of it, but this seems to me one of those at the crossroads, life-altering decisions and I think you made a choice that will save yourself a lifetime of continued pain with this person.

Hopetosurvive98 posted 8/7/2014 08:46 AM

In complete agreement with above poster. You did the right thing. You cannot fix him and it would be miserable trying. You have a better future without him. You are very smart and strong. Good for you.

Tigaress posted 8/7/2014 08:53 AM

Hi NobleHeart, I agree with what was said before and think you did the right thing. Also, his diagnosis is Bipolar II - that means his manic episodes are not as extreme as in Bipolar I, as you say they are 'hypomanic'. I believe that the hypersexual behavior which is a sign of true manic episodes is not typical for hypomanic episodes. IMHO your ex is just using the diagnosis as a welcome excuse to behave against his 'Christian' values. I'm glad you had the courage to get out of there before you got hurt even more!

NobleHeart posted 8/7/2014 21:02 PM

Thank you so much everyone for your kind words....I still can't believe this happened, but it did. We were supposed to get married tomorrow. This hurts SO much!

Of course I still love him....But I love myself more.

badmedicine posted 8/8/2014 00:24 AM

I am so impressed with your strength and your ability to stand up for yourself!! Please take some comfort in that. Since you were supposed to be married today it will be a tough day no doubt. I hope there is someone who can spend some time with you, like a friend or family member, to help through this time. Do what you need to do to get through right now. The pain is immeasurable and it's not just the initial shock. People who you expect to support you will not, and some will blame you or distance themselves as if you somehow brought this on yourself and may poison their relationship as well. Keep posting and keep reading for sure!! As many have said, you clearly dodged a bullet with this, but I know that doesn't make the pain of what happened any less right now or make it easier to give up on your dreams for this marriage. Know that it's ok and healthy to grieve for those things, and this may take awhile. Eventually you will be able to let go of it and your love for him will fade but right now it's completely ok to love him and feel hurt. Get into IC to help....just having a sounding board is so valuable. You sound like you have a great head on your shoulders and you are able to think with your head instead of your heart when needed. Please take time to heal your broken heart but know that your head is very strong and smart!!

BrighterFuture posted 8/8/2014 00:40 AM

I'm so impressed with you. You can't fix him. You did the right thing by ending it sooner, but it must have been a very difficult decision since you were about to marry him. Thank him for telling you about his cheating. He probably thought you wouldn't leave him.

BtraydWife posted 8/8/2014 12:53 PM

I too am very impressed with your strength. You knew right from wrong even while getting full pressure to rugsweep and shut up about it. Lots of people can't hang with that so good for you.

I'm sorry he didn't value your relationship they way you did. I understand you are feelong pain, especially today. You did the right thing. Marrying that guy, with his f'd up family, was only going to bring you a lifetime of the pain you are feeling now. Nobody needs that. You deserve to be loved.

Schadenfreude posted 8/8/2014 13:01 PM

Canceling the wedding is way cheaper and less heartache than getting divorced a few years from now wih kids, mortgage, etc. Note that everybody who has replied has said essentially the same response. You did the right thing. And no, we aren't here to comfort you particularly, but to tell the unbiased truth (or opinion).

Now detach entirely if you haven't already. You really have nothing to discuss with him.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 1:02 PM, August 8th (Friday)]

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