My discovery of H's LTA came about when I stumbled upon several years of old e-mails. I immediatly phoned AP's BH to tell him and find out if he knew-he didn't,we were both blindsided. The OW was out of the country working at the time, phoned my H to find out what was going on as she'd had several angry voicemails from her H. The A had been finished a year previously by my H (confirmed). Between them they decided to say the A had gone on for 6 years - in fact it was on and off for about 15. For a few days I believed that, until an aside in one of the e-mails made me realise how long it had really been going on, and my H made his major written confession.
OW's H was incredibly unstable after d-day - drinking heavily, not sleeping, not eating, smoking large amounts of dope, eventually on AD and a suicide attempt. I intercepted him on his way to our house with a hammer in his rucksack supposedly to bang nails into H's car wheels, but who knows how far it might have gone. Altogether, not helped by a completely unremorseful, blame-shifting wife, he was falling apart and he leaned heavily on me for many months. After a few discussions he told me he didn't want any more details of the A, and I never told him the full extent of it as he was so unstable I didn't want to tip him over the edge.
I have had no contact with him in about 1 1/2 years, apart from a terse phone-call from him to tell me his WW had terminal breast cancer. I outed her use of works time, space, phone,e-mail (including downloading large amounts of porn)to her work after making sure her H was going to be ok financially if she lost her job, and had a threat of RO from a pathetic, self-pitying letter via her solicitor to which I replied with relish and showed what a lying ..... she was.
My question.... Do I tell her BH now how long it really went on for? OW knows that I know, and I've left a prominent hint on her car window to tell him the truth which she ignored. My daughter knows it was longer than 6 years, but not how long, and she sees OW's daughter occasionally and could let slip - they used to be really close. What I really resent is the fact that I'll be carrying a large part of the secrecy of the A after OW pops her clogs and I just don't want to. Feels like I'm being complicit in their lying by witholding so much of it from her BH. If I was in his shoes I'd want to know everything to make my peace (or not?) before my partner died. Or should I just let sleeping dogs lie?
If it's the right thing to do I couldn't care less about the possible RO.