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Newest Member: Alone73 (46062)

User Topic: Dinner conversation (long)
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ 44302
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 10:06 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(Preface: I have told WH that I am not going to censor myself. That every thought I have will be heard by his ears. That how long this takes is not his choice. He also began reading the book, "How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair.")

Last night my husband arrived home and we talked about questions I emailed him (I've decided that this not only gets my questions answered more quickly and with less frustration over my asking plus it's a release for me because I can ask as soon as I need to instead of waiting for his breaks, etc.). I expressed to him that I have begun to feel angry with him for allowing this affair to happen and for perpetuating it for so long. He is supposed to be my protector; instead he is the perpetrator.

I gave him an analogy to try to drive home why I continue to talk about and question his affair/ask for details. I told him to imagine that one day I walked into the house and out of nowhere, broke his leg with a baseball bat. I asked him to imagine the physical pain and the psychological toll it would take. Wouldn't you be wondering why? Now, what if I told you I did it for Jon because we thought it might be fun and I wanted to please him; I thought it would make me happy too. Wouldn't you wonder how I could do such a thing? Wouldn't you wonder why I would allow my relationship with Jon to dictate how I treated him? Then I suggested he imagine that I told him is been considering this for a long time. That I thought about the pros and cons and decided to do it anyways. Wouldn't you wonder why I didn't stop myself? Why I didn't value you enough to decide it was a bad idea? How I could possibly love you and still do such a thing? Now, imagine I didn't hit you once. That I did it over and over and over. Wouldn't you wonder why I didn't realize what I was doing with the first swing and feel badly enough to stop? Now imagine the pain you are in. Laying in the hospital knowing that I am responsible for your pain and now asking you to just move on and start over. Could you do that? Wouldn't you need to know all of my thoughts in order to figure out just what you're dealing with?

He nodded and quietly replied "yes" to my questioning then said, "I'm not sure I could ever forgive it if you did that to me."
He told me he feels incredibly blessed that is ever give him a second chance and that he'd do anything to show me and make amends. To prove he has seen the light.

Dramatic? Maybe. But I feel shattered by the person I trusted to love me always.

He went outside to read the previously mentioned book and I finished out my work day (I work from home).

My son went to a friends last night so WH and I decided to go out to dinner. He said he didn't know if I would want to go if I'm angry with him. I told him that we need to go. We need some positive moments and to get out of the house. We drove our son to his friends house. I put in the music CD that we shared as our first-ever personal experience (we had just become friends and he lent it to me). I teared up as I listened and noticed him reach under his sunglasses to wipe his eyes. The songs shocked me in a way is never noticed.. It seemed like it mirrored our relationship from beginning to now. Starting with a song related to the bliss of a first weekend together and ending with the feeling of being shattered but making amends.

After our son got out of the car, away told me he really liked the book thus far. He felt it was clear and to the point. He felt it reflected some of his feelings and enlightened him on mine. He said that he feels that on the levels of approach to being a "rebuilder" he is at a "4," which is described as the half-hearted approach, and that he needs to be at a "5" which is full committal. He said that he realizes his feelings of shame and frustration are selfish and that he needs to focus on what I'm going through. I found comfort in his acknowledging that he hasn't brought himself to the level he needs to to make this work.

We went to a waterfront restaurant that, to our surprise, had live music. It made talking easier because no one could hear us. It felt like a safe place to talk because emotions had to stay even. I asked him questions mostly around his thoughts and feelings. Some around details. We discussed my need to reclaim my own life and what he experienced IS my life too. He seemed open to visiting the sights of the affair. He gave details that stung but it made me feel he was finally sharing things that were just true and not just what he thought I should hear.

We discussed some of the biggest hurts. Valentines day this year he spent the night with her instead of me which kills me. I told him I should have know something was wrong because he told me he was going on a boarding trip with a friend and never checked in that night. He always texts or calls but never did that night. I didn't want to interrupt his guy-time so I resisted contacting him. It wasn't until the next afternoon at 3:30 that I finally texted him, "So, did you make it there??" He said he didn't even realize he never contacted me. He apologized for ruining what should have been our day.

On our way home he told me he will endure this with me and that now that he "knows what he knows" it will never happen again. He said that he realizes he has behaviors he will have to change to keep us safe. He told me he wants to be married to me and made a vow to me. That he broke his promise.

He would like to renew our wedding vows this December on our 10th wedding anniversary. I didn't answer because I don't know if I will be ready but I thought it was a heartfelt gesture as he fought back the tears.


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC for "unromantic in

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jul 2014
devasted30
♀ 39439
Member # 39439
Default  Posted: 11:36 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is what was call. P r o g r e s s.
I am glad you are seeing some hope. Hang in there. If he truly is remorseful and answers all your questions, without reservation, then things will improve dramatically. Good for you guys.


And remember Murphy is right. Nothing is so bad that it can't get worse!!!

Posts: 1448 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Ontario, Canada
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ 44302
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 2:21 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Devestated30

I sure hope so...

He just texted me. He's out on his first real solo errand run since Dday 6/23 and is feeling nervous bc he doesn't want me uncomfortable. He used "errands" as an opportunity to call her.


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC for "unromantic in

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jul 2014
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for him, contacting you today! I hope that this is the first of many, many positive steps forward for you both.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5261 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
Schadenfreude
♂ 43075
Member # 43075
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Excellent analogy.

Posts: 892 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Midwest
seethelight
♀ 43513
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 3:48 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Should have know something was wrong because he told me he was going on a boarding trip with a friend and never checked in that night. He always texts or calls but never did that night. I didn't want to interrupt his guy-time so I resisted contacting him. It wasn't until the next afternoon at 3:30 that I finally texted him, "So, did you make it there??" He said he didn't even realize he never contacted me. He apologized for ruining what should have been our day.

Sadly that sounds all to familiar.

I sure hope so...

He just texted me. He's out on his first real solo errand run since Dday 6/23 and is feeling nervous bc he doesn't want me uncomfortable. He used "errands" as an opportunity to call her.

And, so does this above quote.

You sound somewhat doubtful that he is truly remorseful enough to never again hurt you that way.

Why is that?

Is there something in his behavior that is causing the doubt?


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ 44302
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seethelight

Nothing in his current behavior makes me doubt...

I feel he's truly remorseful and committed to not having this happen again. But he was also committed to me 10 years ago when we married. 6 years later he started this affair lasting almost 4 years. I didn't even notice! I guess I'm planning on being a bit more diligent. Keeping my eyes open. I feel like I cannot fully trust my own perceptions; I was wrong before.

(But he is showing progress.)


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC for "unromantic in

Posts: 776 | Registered: Jul 2014
seethelight
♀ 43513
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hurtbuthopeful:

I am glad he is showing progress.

Yes, going forward all loyal spouses need to always trust but verify.

I was always the too trusting wife. Now I feel like a fool.

However, a lot of things have changed, and I am more aware of affair type behavior than I was in the past when I wasn't looking for affair behavior.

In retrospect, all the signs were there, but I was just not aware that they were signs of an affair.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
Topic Posts: 8

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