(Preface: I have told WH that I am not going to censor myself. That every thought I have will be heard by his ears. That how long this takes is not his choice. He also began reading the book, "How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair.")
Last night my husband arrived home and we talked about questions I emailed him (I've decided that this not only gets my questions answered more quickly and with less frustration over my asking plus it's a release for me because I can ask as soon as I need to instead of waiting for his breaks, etc.). I expressed to him that I have begun to feel angry with him for allowing this affair to happen and for perpetuating it for so long. He is supposed to be my protector; instead he is the perpetrator.
I gave him an analogy to try to drive home why I continue to talk about and question his affair/ask for details. I told him to imagine that one day I walked into the house and out of nowhere, broke his leg with a baseball bat. I asked him to imagine the physical pain and the psychological toll it would take. Wouldn't you be wondering why? Now, what if I told you I did it for Jon because we thought it might be fun and I wanted to please him; I thought it would make me happy too. Wouldn't you wonder how I could do such a thing? Wouldn't you wonder why I would allow my relationship with Jon to dictate how I treated him? Then I suggested he imagine that I told him is been considering this for a long time. That I thought about the pros and cons and decided to do it anyways. Wouldn't you wonder why I didn't stop myself? Why I didn't value you enough to decide it was a bad idea? How I could possibly love you and still do such a thing? Now, imagine I didn't hit you once. That I did it over and over and over. Wouldn't you wonder why I didn't realize what I was doing with the first swing and feel badly enough to stop? Now imagine the pain you are in. Laying in the hospital knowing that I am responsible for your pain and now asking you to just move on and start over. Could you do that? Wouldn't you need to know all of my thoughts in order to figure out just what you're dealing with?
He nodded and quietly replied "yes" to my questioning then said, "I'm not sure I could ever forgive it if you did that to me."
He told me he feels incredibly blessed that is ever give him a second chance and that he'd do anything to show me and make amends. To prove he has seen the light.
Dramatic? Maybe. But I feel shattered by the person I trusted to love me always.
He went outside to read the previously mentioned book and I finished out my work day (I work from home).
My son went to a friends last night so WH and I decided to go out to dinner. He said he didn't know if I would want to go if I'm angry with him. I told him that we need to go. We need some positive moments and to get out of the house. We drove our son to his friends house. I put in the music CD that we shared as our first-ever personal experience (we had just become friends and he lent it to me). I teared up as I listened and noticed him reach under his sunglasses to wipe his eyes. The songs shocked me in a way is never noticed.. It seemed like it mirrored our relationship from beginning to now. Starting with a song related to the bliss of a first weekend together and ending with the feeling of being shattered but making amends.
After our son got out of the car, away told me he really liked the book thus far. He felt it was clear and to the point. He felt it reflected some of his feelings and enlightened him on mine. He said that he feels that on the levels of approach to being a "rebuilder" he is at a "4," which is described as the half-hearted approach, and that he needs to be at a "5" which is full committal. He said that he realizes his feelings of shame and frustration are selfish and that he needs to focus on what I'm going through. I found comfort in his acknowledging that he hasn't brought himself to the level he needs to to make this work.
We went to a waterfront restaurant that, to our surprise, had live music. It made talking easier because no one could hear us. It felt like a safe place to talk because emotions had to stay even. I asked him questions mostly around his thoughts and feelings. Some around details. We discussed my need to reclaim my own life and what he experienced IS my life too. He seemed open to visiting the sights of the affair. He gave details that stung but it made me feel he was finally sharing things that were just true and not just what he thought I should hear.
We discussed some of the biggest hurts. Valentines day this year he spent the night with her instead of me which kills me. I told him I should have know something was wrong because he told me he was going on a boarding trip with a friend and never checked in that night. He always texts or calls but never did that night. I didn't want to interrupt his guy-time so I resisted contacting him. It wasn't until the next afternoon at 3:30 that I finally texted him, "So, did you make it there??" He said he didn't even realize he never contacted me. He apologized for ruining what should have been our day.
On our way home he told me he will endure this with me and that now that he "knows what he knows" it will never happen again. He said that he realizes he has behaviors he will have to change to keep us safe. He told me he wants to be married to me and made a vow to me. That he broke his promise.
He would like to renew our wedding vows this December on our 10th wedding anniversary. I didn't answer because I don't know if I will be ready but I thought it was a heartfelt gesture as he fought back the tears.