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Newest Member: Schattenfell (61077)

User Topic: Thinking of separation
♀ 43196
Member # 43196
Default  Posted: 11:26 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know what else to do. We have been reconciling for 10 months. He has been doing so many things right: nc with AP, loving me, being super kind and considerate, some MC and lots of reading. I have agreed to forgive him but the damn TT is killing me. I

I keep asking what it is he is taking to his grave. I get days of new information and gut wrenching details (November, January, June and August) and Everytime he swears we are at ground zero. He was so giddy in June with the fact that he felt so free it was all out there.

Yesterday i woke with the sensation it was the tip of the iceburg. I found out about a long suspected fling that really was consummated though he denied it for 28 years and another ONS with a stranger he met in w hotel bar from 25 years ago.

Today he had a physical and blood work done. I finally made my appointment with the Dr. for STD testing, too. He had three short term affairs early in our marriage 28, 26 and 25 years ago. He then "found Jesus" and all was well until 1 year ago when he fell in lurve with a COW. In the trickle truth today he told me he led her to believe he was willing to leave me, though he would "have to take care of me". This conversation was the very day that I walked in on them in bed together. He dropped her like a rock.

I think I need to separate from him for awhile until he realizes the TT is killing me. It has physically taken a huge toll on me. Today part of his list of things to do is schedule a lie detector test. I have an apartment at a friends house that is open to me. Should I leave and do the 180?

[This message edited by Ginny at 11:27 AM, August 7th (Thursday)]

DDay 11-02-13
Married 30 years
2 month PA/EA with COW
Trying to R

Posts: 784 | Registered: Apr 2014
♂ 42650
Member # 42650
Default  Posted: 11:33 AM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am at 13 years post first affair and TT still in effect. Rarely does the WS come fully clean emotions and all. RARE! So this was a good one, after I discovered my WWs first affair 13 years ago the AP/OM told me that he was nearly done with the affair just before I found out, turns out he was trying to teach my WW how to conceal a sub-covert affair after DDay. Funny how when I forgave WW and AP, this was going on, yes I was forgiving while they were ploting. And this WW was saying how much she loved me. Look, lets be clear...when a WS says they loved you while cheating, its BULL SHIT. Dont let any WS tell you otherwise, it just cannot be done. Love does not lie, cheat and steal...unless well, they are insane. Perhaps that is it.

Posts: 1923 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: New York
♀ 38378
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can manage to separate, it may help you. That's important, not to forget yourself. I got so lost in him and the marriage that my own life left me.

For a time, before I knew everything, he was behind the steering wheel and now I kick myself. But not long because it can't be undone. So I move on.

I just wonder how you can move on for yourself and attempt to get healthy if you keep finding out more and having setbacks. During the false R's, that's what kept happening to me. I almost let myself go to ruin over that man, who did end up ruining my life and I am at ground zero.

The bottom line is, unfortunately, that we have a threshold and I hope you can decide before you get to crash-burnout.

Don't forget you. Don't make him more important.

Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington

Posts: 3034 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
♀ 22722
Member # 22722
Default  Posted: 7:44 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with Ashland that you should be thinking about YOU.

Separating from him to try to get his attention wont necessarily work. You are trying to get a specific outcome. You are trying to get HIM to do something different.

Separating because TT keeps hurting you, and you are getting space to protect yourself from continually having the scab ripped off and the wound cut deeper, makes sense. If you focus on what YOU want to have happen for YOU when you are away from him, then it is more likely to be a good choice.

Ask youself "If I move into the apartment, what will my life look like? How will I conduct myself? What will I do with myself? If he goes ballistic or if he hoovers me back in, what will I do?"

I tried everything to get my WH to straighten his act out. He just didn't want to. The lying was so ingrained he couldn't stop lying or hiding things from me. I think it was indicative of how little he really wanted our relationship to survive. I couldn't make him reconcile on my terms.

[This message edited by heartbroken_kk at 7:45 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]

FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 '99, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... '09-'11, D '15. I fell apart. I put myself back together. Forgiveness isn't required. I'm happy and healthy now, and MY new life is good.

Posts: 2070 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: California
Topic Posts: 4

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