Firstly, wow, you have been through a LOT the past few years. No wonder you have become depressed, and you are stating all the classic signs of true clinical depression. Lots of reasons for you to be there, but please talk to your doctor about it and get some help. It's a terrible place to be, and the sooner you can start leaving there, the better off you'll be.
Secondly, YOU ARE IN NO WAY RESPONSIBLE in any way, shape or form for his decision to cheat. That is 100% on HIM. It doesn't matter what you've done to have some problems with your relationship, no matter how bad things get, he has many other options available to him besides stepping out of the relationship. (Not sure if you're bf/gf or married.) Stop blaming yourself - right now!
Feeling betrayed and hurt is totally normal. Of course you will feel that way. You've been unhappy too, but you didn't choose another man to help you solve your problems. You've just been betrayed by the man you love. Betrayal and hurt is the tip of the iceberg.
Read the information in the healing library and the BS (betrayed spouse) FAQ's. Lots of really good advice and help in there.
You may feel like you "dropped the ball" in the relationship, but you've been going through hell it sounds like. That doesn't excuse or justify what he did.
You say you still trust him, but then you say he needs to earn your trust back. IMHO the latter applies. You'd be a saint if you trusted him the day after you found out. He DOES need to earn your trust back, and you need to set some ground rules and boundaries right away to set him on that track.
Gently, don't be 100% sure this was the only time. It usually isn't. Do some snooping if you can, and talk to him. Don't let him start off with lying or trickle truthing (tt). That's what happened with me, my WH lied during his confession, and 15 months later he's still lying - because I allowed it from day one (inadvertently, but I allowed it nonetheless).
I'm pretty new here myself, not entirely comfortable with giving advice, and as I said, more will follow me with more advice.
I'm sorry for your pain, and all you've been through the past 3 years. You shouldn't have to deal with this on top of everything else. But you came to the right place. Keep posting, we've all been there, and we all want to help.
While 90% of us have very similar circumstances I really feel that yours is different. You ha e both been through the mill the last couple of years. That's a contributing factor to this. The other is he was drunk and stoned. This is a bad combo and if someone doesn't do this on a regular basis that really effects your judgements and he may not have done this under circumstances of he were just drunk.
That said he needs to do some serious work on himself to understand why he allowed himself to loose control at this level.
You need to focus on healing you physically and mentally. Being what you have been through is a life altering experience. He also needs to work on healing himself and own his shit.
I think you both would benefit from some IC. I also believe that you both will quickly move to MC.
Keep reading keep posting.
Make him get tested for STD'S.
See a lawyer. Find out your rights
Reach out to friends and family for support.
Allow others to help you beside your spouse. He cannot be your primary caregiver and your lover. It doesn't work. See if you qualify for a choreworker through your disability.
((( And strength))))
But this is about you. You have been pushing him to go out with his friends. He HAS had opportunities before. I absolutely am not telling you that you're wrong, you don't know him, just asking you to be careful.
And as with any affair, but especially in a same sex situation, you should be tested for STD's, and insist he does as well. Important!
And remember, you did nothing to deserve this, and should not condone it. My marriage was a mess when H had his affair, but as I said, he had other choices/solutions. People cheat because something inside them allows them to cross a boundary. They will say anything to justify what they did; it's easier than admitting something is wrong inside them.
I hope your partner is as honest as you say. Getting the truth, the whole truth, up front and from his own mouth will make it much easier for you to start healing. It is a process, and very emotional. But as someone once told me, it is a marathon, not a sprint.
Make sure you take care of yourself. Another huge mistake I made, became very ill. On the upside, I needed to lose the weight anyway!
Again, keep posting. Everyone here cares.
I hope you and your partner have been able to talk some more and you are feeling better about things. If you're like most, you will start feeling angrier and angrier as you get further past DD and into the thoughts of the whole thing. Totally normal.
Hugs to you...
Everyone here has a different story (though most follow the same pattern). Each person gives advice based on their own personal experiences and feelings. Sometimes you will feel angry or confused about something said to you that you 100% disagree with.
I was told "take what you need and leave the rest".
You're situation is unique, I understand that, but it never hurts to have people to bounce things off of.
Whatever you do, I hope it all works out for you, and you are happy with your decisions and end result.
Good luck to you. . . .
You have been betrayed. Nothing excuses that.
The vows say..in sickness and in health...no?
He promised..and he broke it.
If you excuse his behavior and take part of the blame for HIS choices, you are setting yourself up for another dday. He will cheat again. Why wouldn't he? He will have had no consequences, and a wife who takes the blame.
Im sorry you feel so much at fault for his actions. I wish you luck and peace.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Best of luck to you.
Im glad you are ok with his betrayal. I hope you aren't in denial or shock, but you know you best.