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WH and I were talking about the dreaded "why" question---what was going on in our marriage that lead up to him making the decision to have an affair---and he came up with resentment about my weight and lack of exercise, that he wanted me to make myself attractive to him by "dressing up". He felt that I wasn't making enough of an effort to please him and he resented that.

Is it wrong of me to feel insulted by his complaining about my weight?

I am 5'5" and weighed ~140# on dday. I wore a size 4-6. He'd made snide comments about my weight before the affair and during. I knew he was unhappy about it. When we married I weighed 127#. After our 2nd child, I never lost the last 10# I'd gained during the pregnancy to get to my pre-pregnancy weight of 130#. I wasn't concerned about it myself. I never felt fat.

Prior to the affair starting, we'd had an argument about it and he promised to not say anything else about my weight. However, 3 years later after dday he tells me that all along he resented my weight and lack of exercise. The exercise thing through me because I've never been one to exercise. We dated for 5 years before getting married and have been married for 16 years---exercising has never been something I did.

Him mentioning my weight again in our most recent talks triggered my anger. But, now, I'm thinking he has a right to be unhappy about my weight---maybe I'm too sensitive? How can I help taking jabs at my weight as anything but a personal attack?

Since dday, I've lost a considerable amount of weight. I weigh 115# today. Am I ever going to be thin enough?

Me: BW 41yrs

Him: WH 39 yrs

Dday: June 4, 2014

3 year affair ( with an older, thinner woman 5' 100#)

MRF,

There are so many things wrong with his behavior and thinking that I don't even know where to start!

Whether you were 300 lbs. 115 lbs., 200 lbs., whatever.......that is not a reason to cheat! Total crap, total blameshifting, totally not getting it!

Please do not buy into that bullshit.

You are lovable and beautiful not matter what your weight. Weight is not an excuse to cheat! It's not about you, or your weight, it's about HIM. His choice to cheat on you!

He needs to look in the damn mirror.

I'm sorry he's manipulating you into thinking that his cheating is because of your weight.

Do not buy into that load of crap, please.

Thank you, authenticnow

You made me feel better.

(((MissedRedFlags)))

I know this pain all too well. My H has made lots of comments about my weight, but he was the one who actually gained 15 pounds in a year. I never said a thing about it and always wanted to have sex with him. But he recoiled whenever I made advances. He has also had lots of negative things to say about my body hair, my moles, my breath, that I need to straighten my teeth, that my forehead is too big for me to wear a bun, etc etc etc.

When I protested him saying all these things, he told me I get too emotional and what I am doing I actually insensitive to his needs.

It is always something with people like this. It's all about them and their own insecurity! Do not buy into it!

Do you think you resent his A as much as he "resents" your weight gain? Grrrrr....There is nothing wrong with your height and weight. He needs some help. You have every right to feel insulted. Sending hugs your way!

Well according to the good ol' BMI calculator, your weight at 140 was perfectly well within the normal range.

I vote he's making excuses.

so his plan to deal with resentment he had from your weight was having an affair? The issue is his coping mechanism and his need to reach for it, not your weight, which is perfectly fine.

I think grasping for something as small as 13 pounds is just that - grasping. It's him not going deep enough into his own shit and (perhaps?) him looking to project some of his own insecurities onto you. Remember. His affair is about HIS issues. You were 50% of the relationship - not necessarily 50% of the problem.

I'm trying to come up with a response that isn't profanity laden in your defense, and I'm struggling.

You are NOT to sensitive. He is too asshole.

5'5" and 140# is perfect. It's healthy. It's normal. It shouldn't even matter.

You should never have to worry about being a certain size for ANYONE but yourself. Please don't look at yourself through his eyes. You are worth so much more than the assessment of someone so selfish, judgmental, and just dead wrong.

(((MRF)))

It seems to me that it wasn't about weight, it was about control. You weren't doing what he told you to do, exercise. Of course, had you adopted an exercise/sports/gym regimen, and asked him to tAke over some kid duties, he would have complained about that.

Did he try to involve you in a fitness program with him? Now that would be a healthy thing to do. But he would rather look back and figure out ways to make you the cause of his bad choices. Sorry, it just doesn't work that way.

BTW, a size 4-6? Too heavy? He's crazy....I'm 5'100# guess what? Sizes 4-6!

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 5:12 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]

This is blame shifting at its worst. First off 140LBS at 5'5" is still within normal healthy range by any calculation. You have nothing to worry about.

Secondly even if you were 400lbs that doesn't give him a license to have an affair. To actually feel resentment for your partner gaining weight is vary narcissistic. Your husband needs to dig deeper for his whys, and stop trying to blame you for his actions.

He sounds shallow. If this was an ongoing thing before the A and throughout your marriage, are there other instances where he tries to make you feel badly about yourself or emotionally manipulate you?

Blameshifting and shallow.

Weight doesn't make anybody have an affair. if your weight was so important to him and all he could think about in the marriage, then no matter what weight you were he would've been unhappy and nitpicky.

Did you ask him why he did not seek a divorce over the 10 lbs? He could've listed it on the legal document and discussed how the 10 lbs created such a detriment to the marriage.

Oh wait, he would've felt like an absolute shallow, vain, egotistical moron.

Yes, it sounds to me like he's just trying to shift the blame onto you. Don't fall for it. You did nothing wrong.

Blame shifting and justifying to do selfish things....many waywards do it, my wife included.

Damn hurtful, but a WS deem it necessary or prudent so as to "okay" themselves to do what they know is bad, dead wrong. It, like their affair, work until it......doesn't.

I pray your husband finds the courage to take the responsibility for his choices soon.

BTW, your size is very attractive to many men....me included. My wife struggles with her body image too. I find her very attractive. Her AP is older than me, has a double chin and belly on him. If you were 6 foot and 110 lbs, your husband would complain about your bony knees. You, like his AP, were hardly a factor in his choice to cheat. You were deeply affected by it, but had no say in it. (This coming from a man who squandered MONTHS of "hoping for a better past".).

I am hardly alone in my wide definition of "attractiveness" in women. Thus the real need for solid boundaries.

Keep your boundaries up too! It could only take one degrading comment from your husband and a kind one from the nice man at work to start you down a path better left alone.

God is with us all.

Jeeze. He's an ass pure and simple. I don't care if you had two heads, that is no excuse for his behavior. He needs to get his first one out of his ass and he needs to keep his second one in his pants.

Yes, I'm fat. But I still loved my husband and he was fat too.

You are NOT too sensitive. He is too INSENSITIVE!

IIRC, my W was 5' 3" and 105 lbs when we applied for LTC insurance. She was deemed too thin - they didn't offer LTC with an increased premium, they just wouldn't insure my W for LTC. 5' 5" and 115 sounds awful close to 5' 3"/105.... At 5' 3" and 130, a lot of people told my W she looked healthier than when she weighed less. 140 could be pretty healthy for you; I recommend asking your doc about 115....

I tend to believe your H. I just think his expectations are way off.

I just came from the beach. I saw lots of flat stomachs and a goodly number of very shapely women. I just didn't see flat stomachs and shapeliness in the same people.... (Come to think of it, I saw the flat stomachs on kids who were at the beach with their friends - and their moms.)

Human beings tend to gain weight and thicken up as they age. Human beings tend to look better when they're younger. Really, that's not very hard to deal with for a semi-mature male.

There are so many things wrong with his behavior and thinking that I don't even know where to start!

Yea, ditto here.

I would be 100 different ways of pissed if that statement had been made to me.

The exercise thing -- you didn't exercise before he married you....and he married you anyway, knowing that. He doesn't get to use that as a *why* now. If you had misrepresented yourself to him as someone who was an exerciser (when in reality you weren't), then ok. But under these circumstances? No f'n way.

The weight thing -- for starters, isn't the *average* American woman like a size 12/14? There is NO way that someone who wears a size 4/6 can be considered heavy. A size 4/6 doesn't guarantee that there is an absence of *soft* areas or cellulite, but characterizing that as *overweight* is ridiculous.

And I have to add that I get really stabby about fathers who complain about the body of the person who cooked and birthed their kids. So, ok, if you got pregnant and gained 200# -- ok, a little bit of leeway since that's outside of the norm. But an extra 10#? No f'n way. Pregnancy changes a woman's body. Period. You could have been a total workout queen -- and after the baby, your body is going to be *different* (unless you were really young....young bodies seem to have a bounce-back feature that *older* bodies don't have).

But my major problem with his *why* is this:

he wanted me to make myself attractive to him by "dressing up". He felt that I wasn't making enough of an effort to please him and he resented that.

This is AP-comparison-speak (which also makes me REALLY stabby) and is completely unfair to you. I remember a time waaayy before Dday when Monster made a comment about how it would be nice if I would use scented lotion on myself after I showered. This comment was made during the summer when the kids were not in school. I remember thinking "dude, you are lucky that I 1) even GOT a shower today; 2) should be grateful that I maneuvered the chaos long enough to apply mascara; and 3) BONUS! Both of my legs are shaved!!

Anyway. Any *why* that is tied to what YOU did/didn't do is total blameshifting bullshit. The way that you blow these *whys* out of the water when they're made is to say: "so if I don't start exercising, you believe that you're entitled to betray me again? So why should I remain in this marriage under those conditions?" or "so if I don't maintain whatever random weight number that you feel is right for ME, then you believe that you're entitled to betray me again? So why should I remain in this marriage under those conditions?"

And if he responds with huffiness, then lay out YOUR requirements for him as far as weight and fitness go. Draw up an exercise plan for him, etc..... I'm being facetious here to prove a point. He's being an ass.

I wonder if he truly feels that way or if he was just looking for a way to make himself feel better about cheating. I'm 5'8" and 123 lbs. I work out with a trainer several times a week and my husband still cheated on me. Ironically my husband was at his heaviest during his EA. (6'4" 300lbs) And to be honest, I resent his weight gain. Mostly because it limits what physical activities he can do and he's always complaining about things hurting but won't do anything to change it. His weight would never cause me to cheat on him though...ever!

Making snide comments about your weight is cruel. It says a lot about the type of person he is. There's something wrong with him, not you. It's so much easier to pick on the flaws of others than it is to take a look at our own. He doesn't like your weight...tell him you don't like his his character. You can always lose weight (not that you even need to) He'll always be a liar and a cheater.

My H had an affair with someone who is barely 5'0 tall, and probably weighs 115#. I am closer to 6'0, and weigh probably 60# more than her. He let me know pretty quickly that it had nothing to do with size, or fitness. (She worked out obsessively at the time of the affair, trying to catch his attention.) Affairs are not about love, sex, or body type.

Love yourself.

MRF, I haven't been on SI much in the last few weeks but the last post I read of yours, I saw a waving red flag. I see one again. Your H is blame shifting. He broke is vows bc he thought you were too heavy? Really? Wow. That pisses me off! HOW DARE HE?!

Bionic's is the last post I read and she nailed it. Love yourself and repeat after me:

My H's decision to have an A had nothing to do with me.

Not only is your weight normal but so is feeling insulted, hurt and angry with his so-called, "why".