Notanaverageangel:
Our Dday was 6/23; 6/22 I discovered the EA and 6/23 I discovered the PA.
Last night I discussed with WH his emotional state before the affair started. I recapped things he's said, dreams he's had, the circumstances of the time (job loss) and how they all seem to point to issues related to self esteem. It was funny because he was sort of agreeing with me but kept saying, "maybe but that's no excuse for what I did..."
I agreed and told him I wasnt excusing it but that it's important he consider his state of mind, attitudes, and behaviors that got him to this point so he can avoid it in the future.
I asked him, would you have chosen to allow yourself to get involved with her if you were happy and feeling good already? He thought a moment and then said that he didn't think so. That he reached out to her because he was feeling sad and down and wanted anyone to talk to (its true, he wrote to many different old friends at that time) and she gave him the time of day. She was promiscuous in her youth and quickly brought this to the forefront and he was intrigued bc he was sexually frustrated on top of his depression. He thought dabbling in elicit conversation wasn't harmful and wouldn't lead to anything. (Boy, was he wrong.). After experiencing the highs of her attention, he got hooked.
We talked about a few patterns to work on:
- general happiness - finding ways to enjoy every day life, look on the bright side, while setting realistic goals
- coping and communication skills - finding constructive ways to deal when things aren't perfect, when he's feeling down; talking to me or a male friend
- understanding that reaching out to other women as confidants to lift his spirits is not acceptable and dangerous; he is to completely avoid it and he's not to reach out to ex gf which is who the OW was
- understanding that protecting our marriage means keeping intimate conversation between us
- changing his attitude to accept that flirtation and sexual conversation is not okay
- remembering that all he does affects me even if I don't know!
So, again, thanks for your post because I think it helps me to see things from his perspective. To see how is state of mind played a role in the stupid decisions he made. Decisions that were very out of character for him.
Sometimes I find it helpful to step out if my wife role and listen to him as a friend would.