So I would consider myself in the dark about some of my Possible WH behavior. But: he's a definite boundary crosser with some KISA tendencies. Sometimes, HE'S the one who seems to get the attention from women with KISA tendencies. He's actually often the receiver of KISA behavior, rather than the giver. Although I will say he's been better about it.
This current episode actually doesn't involve a female. I just want some advice.
Money being tight, we rarely do anything extra. We live well, I'm not complaining. I have talked to him, however, of doing something for me once in a while, even take me to a drive thru on his lunch break or something, more of a gesture. It's things like that we used to do, that don't really cost money. Again, I've never complained to him about it, but he does know how I think.
So, I run into him on his lunch break totally randomly. I pulled over, it was good we laughed and joked and were happy to run into each other. He said he was going to grab something to eat and grab something for "J" too. On reflex I said he never did that for me. I wasn't bitchy just came out of my mouth. He said it was just going to be a gas station snack. (I kind of don't believe that, not to nitpick but I think he was just gonna drive thru somewhere at get actual food). I mean, I was standing right there with nothing to do, he could have taken me to get something to eat. Instead, I went home and ate left over Chinese.
I changed the conversation, I didn't want to act negative, and really it's not that I don't want him to do something nice for people once in a while. But this has a story...
"J" is a 21 yr old guy at his work. It's one I've mentioned before. J, J's bro, and J's dad all work with my pWH. A few weeks ago, J's dad wanted my WH to go and confront some boyfriend of J's sister. I put a stop to that, saying No, you are not going to go running to the rescue of some chick choosing to be in a f'd up relationship. He didn't argue and didn't do it. End of story. So it's this family....
J is married, he got all depressed cause his W is probably screwing around. pWH went into KISA mode, we spent a whole entire day of our day off picking up J, keeping him with us all day, entertaining him, whatever. I did this without complaint and in fact really empathized with him since I know what it's like to be a BS. But, actually I was kind of put out. I mean, we have kids that age who could have probably used our help that day, why bend over backwards for this guy. I felt like this wasn't something we should spend a whole day doing, not family, not a long time friend, potential to be dramatic, but fine. My pWH actually thanked me for being so kind to J.
But it's like pWH is all about J and his drama. Hence, today...."J is really depressed so I'm gonna grab him something to eat".
Oh great, as I'm typing this, pWH called me and asked if I could dig out this special jar of spices we use and bring it to his work for J's dad!
So here it is. Definate KISA behavior to this guy. As we all know, if this was a female I'd be livid!! PWH is doing things for "poor J" that he doesn't even think to do for me or us.
I don't want to be a bitch, but it's this kind of behavior that I feel isn't good for us and it's definatly a problem when it's a female. It's resources and energy spent on somebody he barely even knows. I want to kind of address it, but I don't know how. I feel there is ways to be supportive of people without diverting your attention away from your own family. Or, I feel you should never be doing a bunch of stuff for random people that you wouldn't do for your own family. Also, the age thing, again. Howorker was in her late 20s. This guy is in his 20s. What does he have in common with these people???
Again, I don't plan on arguing about it, I would like a way to address it without A) hurting pWH feelings B)making him feel defensive or embarrassed, C) sounding like someone who doesn't recognize the importance of helping people occasionally and when appropriate (he knows I'm not that)