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Feedback: K.I.S.A behavior

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OutoftheDeep posted 8/7/2014 15:52 PM

So I would consider myself in the dark about some of my Possible WH behavior. But: he's a definite boundary crosser with some KISA tendencies. Sometimes, HE'S the one who seems to get the attention from women with KISA tendencies. He's actually often the receiver of KISA behavior, rather than the giver. Although I will say he's been better about it.

This current episode actually doesn't involve a female. I just want some advice.

Money being tight, we rarely do anything extra. We live well, I'm not complaining. I have talked to him, however, of doing something for me once in a while, even take me to a drive thru on his lunch break or something, more of a gesture. It's things like that we used to do, that don't really cost money. Again, I've never complained to him about it, but he does know how I think.

So, I run into him on his lunch break totally randomly. I pulled over, it was good we laughed and joked and were happy to run into each other. He said he was going to grab something to eat and grab something for "J" too. On reflex I said he never did that for me. I wasn't bitchy just came out of my mouth. He said it was just going to be a gas station snack. (I kind of don't believe that, not to nitpick but I think he was just gonna drive thru somewhere at get actual food). I mean, I was standing right there with nothing to do, he could have taken me to get something to eat. Instead, I went home and ate left over Chinese.

I changed the conversation, I didn't want to act negative, and really it's not that I don't want him to do something nice for people once in a while. But this has a story...

"J" is a 21 yr old guy at his work. It's one I've mentioned before. J, J's bro, and J's dad all work with my pWH. A few weeks ago, J's dad wanted my WH to go and confront some boyfriend of J's sister. I put a stop to that, saying No, you are not going to go running to the rescue of some chick choosing to be in a f'd up relationship. He didn't argue and didn't do it. End of story. So it's this family....

J is married, he got all depressed cause his W is probably screwing around. pWH went into KISA mode, we spent a whole entire day of our day off picking up J, keeping him with us all day, entertaining him, whatever. I did this without complaint and in fact really empathized with him since I know what it's like to be a BS. But, actually I was kind of put out. I mean, we have kids that age who could have probably used our help that day, why bend over backwards for this guy. I felt like this wasn't something we should spend a whole day doing, not family, not a long time friend, potential to be dramatic, but fine. My pWH actually thanked me for being so kind to J.

But it's like pWH is all about J and his drama. Hence, today...."J is really depressed so I'm gonna grab him something to eat".

Oh great, as I'm typing this, pWH called me and asked if I could dig out this special jar of spices we use and bring it to his work for J's dad!

So here it is. Definate KISA behavior to this guy. As we all know, if this was a female I'd be livid!! PWH is doing things for "poor J" that he doesn't even think to do for me or us.

I don't want to be a bitch, but it's this kind of behavior that I feel isn't good for us and it's definatly a problem when it's a female. It's resources and energy spent on somebody he barely even knows. I want to kind of address it, but I don't know how. I feel there is ways to be supportive of people without diverting your attention away from your own family. Or, I feel you should never be doing a bunch of stuff for random people that you wouldn't do for your own family. Also, the age thing, again. Howorker was in her late 20s. This guy is in his 20s. What does he have in common with these people???

Again, I don't plan on arguing about it, I would like a way to address it without A) hurting pWH feelings B)making him feel defensive or embarrassed, C) sounding like someone who doesn't recognize the importance of helping people occasionally and when appropriate (he knows I'm not that)

[This message edited by OutoftheDeep at 3:54 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]

Tearsoflove posted 8/7/2014 16:07 PM

That was my husband for most of our marriage. The women he slept with thought he was attracted to him because he was soooo nice but he is like that with everyone. He is just as likely to drop what he's doing and go help out a male coworker as a female and just as likely to say things to cheer a male coworker up.

For the first 20 years of our marriage, every weekend he was helping someone he worked with out. John needs help moving. Tom needs help on his car. I've got to go pick up Jim's son because he broke down. Hannah needs help fixing her screen door. I told Bob I'd help him paint his boat. I went with him most of the time just so I could see him. And the weekends he wasn't out helping someone do something, fifteen coworkers were coming over for a barbecue or to go on a motorcycle ride. We finally had a sit down and I told him I was done with all of it. I told him we have things that need to be done and we're not getting anything accomplished with him gone all the time or partying with coworkers every weekend. I told him his coworkers need to learn how to handle their own problems just like we did over the years and that I didn't marry him to have him be handyman helper to everyone else on the planet.

He finally got it right down to telling the neighbor who keeps showing up asking him to fix stuff no. I'm proud of that new backbone. Now I've got 99 problems but a KISA ain't one.

OutoftheDeep posted 8/7/2014 16:23 PM

ToL, yeah, I think mine doesn't do it to that level because I made it clear when we first got together that it wasn't ok. I could see what would happen if I didn't: Susie needs her car fixed, Bobby's sister needs help from her big meanie boyfriend, Jake needs this and that, and so on.

I think he does it out of low self esteem. Well sure it's probably gotten him laid before all through out his life, but besides that. I think he wants everybody to think he's Awesome Guy superman. All the while the people that really matter rarely get that kind of effort.

Jomarion posted 8/7/2014 19:03 PM

Out of the Deep, sounds like KISA crap to me. I cannot offer any advice, just reading your post makes me so livid at your guy I can't think straight. My exWBF was a Mr Nice Guy, it was disgusting. He would plan to help me at my house, but if a neighbour asked for help, he would actually cancel work with me and drop everything to help the bitch(sorry, I am fuming) His behaviour obviously made her think he 'liked' her, next they are drinking at the pub, next she is jumping him , and he is like' Oh what did I doooo???? I never sent out any Signallls???

He did the same crap with men. He would put on the 'I'm a MAN, and we are doing MAN-THINGS together. Aren't I a MAN to do this.

I think it is all down to pathetically low self-esteem that can't find healthy outlets and so converts into a MR Nice Guy. Forgetting the ones who truly love him. They don't matter. They already love him! Got to get others to love him too. So pull out the Mr Nice Guy.

Ya, and I know the feeling, if you complain , then it is like you are MS Selfish, not happy when Mr Nice Guy wants to help others.

I am just learning about co-dependency, so I may be wrong, but it does sound a bit like he is acting in a co-dependent way as well. Trying to please others and be 'nice'. That could be a way to approach the topic with him.

Sorry I cannot give more practical advice. Your story really touches a nerve in me. I was never able to approach this same problem in my relationship with any intelligence.

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