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Anyone able to really reconcile?

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grneyes72 posted 8/7/2014 17:09 PM

I just don't know how to stay after this but I haven't left either.

struggling3 posted 8/7/2014 17:25 PM

Gosh yes....there are many people on this site who have reconciled. I feel that we have. It has been three years and I'm not going to say it has been easy.

Don't make any kind of decision right now.

Remember to keep eating, drinking, and exercise...even if you just try to take a little walk every day.

Read the stuff in the healing library in the upper left corner.

I'm sure you will get more and probably better advice but I have to say for as bad and hopeless as you feel right now..you can survive and you can reconcile. Best of luck to you. Keep posting here there are many good people with good advice.

bionicgal posted 8/7/2014 17:49 PM

You are the first Aug registered date I have seen, grneyes. It is the worst. . but it can be better. It does get better. You've suffered a terrible blow -- try to breathe, eat, sleep. . .

Keep reading. There is so much wisdom here. Read "Not Just Friends", if you haven't. Get your spouse to read it, too. I don't know your situation, but hang in there.

grneyes72 posted 8/7/2014 18:29 PM

Where can I read that?

The story is long. I typed it out in a post I posted in Just Found Out Confront the OW or not. It is on the 2nd page if any are interested.

sisoon posted 8/7/2014 18:44 PM

NOT "Just Friends" is a book by Shirley Glass. It's one of the best books on recovering from infidelity available. Glass did real research and debunked a lot of myths.

I'd bet a majority of the people here who have recovered (both D and R) made use of her findings an approaches. Click on the Amazon link to get it in a plain, brown wrapper.

Also, read the R & G forums and the Healing Library (see the yellow box, upper left of SI pages) and threads in JFO with bull's eyes on their titles and the 'What every WS needs to know' in the WS forum.

I'll consider my W & I reconciled when we're back to dealing with everyday life & M issues and not dealing (much) with her A. We're almost there, IMO, so yeah, I think lots of people can reconcile/rebuild....

I think the requirements are:

BS wants to R.
WS is remorseful, wants to R, and is willing to do the work to change from being a cheater to being a good partner.
BS & WS are willing to do the work of Rebuilding the M.

It's not easy, but for my W & me, R is easier than D.

[This message edited by sisoon at 6:44 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]

grneyes72 posted 8/7/2014 18:53 PM

thanks for the information

hopefull77 posted 8/7/2014 19:40 PM

Roll up your sleeves and walk into this shit storm called SURVING INFIDELITY....
you are about to discover what you are REALLY made of!
No matter the outcome......

devasted30 posted 8/7/2014 20:03 PM

Hi. I am 21 months from DDay and my WS and I have been working Rreconciling for about 19 months now. The first 10-12 months were bad. I wanted to throw in the towel daily. My WS was the determined one during that time. Over the last couple of months, it has been a lot better. Not that I don't think of it everyday, multiple times. But, it doesn't devastate me as much. In fact, today as I was waiting to meet a girlfriend for dinner I thought to myself......wow, this is what being happy again is like. I never, NEVER thought I'd ever say that again. I don't expect it to last for too long, but there are stretches now and it's great. But you need a remorseful, dedicated and loving WS to help you through this. I am doing it and I am the biggest suck in the world. If I can do it, I bet you can too.
Get your spouse to read, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. It's available free on the internet. It will really help your WS help you. Hang in there. It will get better. Time is your friend here. ((((Hugs))))

LA44 posted 8/7/2014 20:29 PM

Grneyes72, so sorry you are here. But the answer to your question is yes. Perhaps more of them will post here. This is a process. In the beginning, it is hard, daily. It is heart-breaking, daily. The foundation you thought was under you has been yanked away.

We are 20 months out from D-Day. I do not struggle every day. I think about it every day. But I do not struggle. I read the book Sisoon recommended, Not Just Friends. My H also read portions of it as well as, How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair and After the Affair. You can look those up on Amazon as well.

You need not think too far ahead right now. Just focus on you for now - eat, sleep, exercise, breath deeply, call a friend, visit SI.

Best wishes and big hugs to you.

[This message edited by LA44 at 8:30 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]

luluphoenix posted 8/7/2014 21:03 PM

I often wonder the same thing. Some days I'm fairly convinced we're gonna make it and others I am fighting the urge to walk out the door. We are 7 months out. I can say life has generally gotten better. The first two months were the worst. Months three and four were intense emotionally, but in less of a shocked way and more of a reacting to the shock way. I think it can be done, but the formula sisoon gave was spot on. I read Intimacy after Infidelity and it helped me understand the "how" behind it....how could someone do this.

HUM1021 posted 8/7/2014 21:19 PM

Oh, hell yeah! Do you want to reconcile? If so, buckle on the safety belt, grab the handle, and get ready for the ride of your life. You might get thrown off the roller coaster and you might come sliding into an easy landing spot. Either way you'll respect yourself and you'll learn much more about life than you ever wanted to--but it's worth it.

tl502 posted 8/7/2014 21:37 PM

We are almost three years out. I consider us reconciled. It doesn't mean I don't occasionally think of the affair, doesn't mean I don't get angry sometimes. The a and certainly the recovery and reconciliation period is part of the fabric of our life and marriage now.
We will always be working on our marriage, we are both acutely aware of this. Again, the process of the recovery after infidelity will change you in ways that you can not imagine now. Some of these will be good changes and a few will be not so good. I am a stronger person now, I am better at my job and handle confrontation and other problems much better. On the negative side, I am more skeptical and slower to trust in others.
I didn't see how to stay right after dd, I planned on giving it 9 months, until after my daughter's wedding to decide. It was better then, gave it another 9 months then it got worse and we struggled tnrough the next year. Since this last May (2yrs and 8 months after dd) we turned a corner. It has been a long haul to get here, lots of ups and downs. I don't think we would have made it if I hadn't found SI.
I know that it seems impossible right now, but if you both really want it, if your ws is truly remorseful and willing to spend a really long time helping you heal from the trauma that he has brought to you, if you can stay open to giving him time to make the changes in himself that will need to be made, it can be done.

grneyes72 posted 8/7/2014 22:26 PM

Thanks everyone. I just don't know if I have any fight left in me for this. I am just about 3 years out from a cancer diagnosis. I am still struggling daily with issues from that.

takingitdaybyday posted 8/7/2014 23:44 PM

@devastated30 -- where did you get the copy of How to Help Your Spouse Heal from the Affair for free online? I have been looking but haven't been able to find it. I know my WH may benefit from reading this especially because I feel like he doesn't get me and my feelings most days.

ShedSomeLight posted 8/8/2014 06:41 AM

I'm a year out from Dday. I have learned so much abut my self and my strength as a person. We have worked hard to stay together. In the beginning, I was very unsure if I could forgive him. I carried a lot of pain. Then one day about 8 months out, I decided to let go. I said to him, "this is your issue...if it happens again, there will be no discussions or forgivness. You simply will never see me again". It was not a threat to him. It is the way I feel. I have forgiven, but I will never forget.

devasted30 posted 8/8/2014 07:08 AM

Takingitdaybyday
Try
4shared.com
If that doesn't work, let me know and I'll copy and post for you. It's a small book so won't take up too much space.

Lucky2HaveMe posted 8/8/2014 08:07 AM

I just read your JFO post. You are dealing with an unremorseful WH. He doesn't get it. The first thing he needs to do is write a strict NC letter/email/text to her stating exactly that - NO CONTACT. A is over. He is concentrating on his WIFE and family. You cannot R alone. He needs to be all in and she needs to be all out.

R is a lot of work with a fully remorseful WS. It is impossible without one.

Stick around and keep posting. We are here to help & support on your journey wherever it may take you.

sisoon posted 8/8/2014 10:33 AM

I just don't know if I have any fight left in me for this.

That's different.... R is eminently possible, but that doesn't mean you have to choose it. I'm biased toward R, but I'm even more biased toward figuring out what's best for you and choosing that outcome, whatever it may be.

With an unremorseful WS, the answer can be pretty simple - dump the so-and-so. Even if your WS were remorseful, however, if you don't feel like doing the work - for any reason - you can D with your head held high.

In choosing between R & D, do what's best for you.

[This message edited by sisoon at 10:34 AM, August 8th (Friday)]

ScarlettA1 posted 8/8/2014 11:47 AM

I'm so sorry you are here. I'm a WW so you may not want any advice from me but yes you can reconcile. I just about destroyed my marriage and my husband with my affair. I never thought I would be that person. We are almost five months out and we are starting to heal. We are in MC and both IC. We have an incredibly new and strong marriage. We've discovered things about ourselves. It has been so painful and at times almost impossible but we've pushed through.
You are strong. Be patient and kind to yourself. I wish you the very best.

grneyes72 posted 8/8/2014 15:42 PM

Lucky,

I don't think my post in JFO was clear. They have no contact. It started in 8/2011 and ended somewhere in early 2012. I have their fb messages. They started while she was having problems with her boyfriend. Her and her boyfriend broke up. Her and my WS get more serious. Then it seems he isn't giving her enough time attention and things start to cool down between them. The messages get further apart an start to not be as personal. During this time she gets back with her boyfriend and he moves in with her. I guess that finalized it for them. I think my WS thought she would just sit home waiting for him. I'm not sure. In the messages he asked her where things went wrong and she says him giving me that ring tone and him always saying he will go over and then canceling for something to do with me.

I do think he is remorseful. I just am not sure that can save this marriage. He has been going to counseling. He has deleted his fb and has said he will not go to football for our son if that is what I want. That only hurts my son. At this point I don't think a NFC is needed. I think she will just love that. I only found out 6/7. This ended around April 2012. He boyfriend is the one who had these messages all this time and just have them to my BFF who gave me them. The last message my WS sent her was 6/1/2012 saying does your Boyfriend know?

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