[This message edited by earthangel at 5:38 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]
Is he willing to go to counseling? Do anything else to make a clear change? If not, then I would guess he is just out to improve his own situation.
3 Kids, 9, 4 and 1
If I were in your place I would do the following:
1 - decide if this man is someone I want to be married with
2 - if he IS someone I'd want to be married with - then decide if his behavior is a 'deal breaker' and/or anything I want to deal with and heal from for the rest of my life with him
3 - if this is NOT a deal breaker and I am willing to do this work with his problems then
4 - I need to know if HE is willing to deal with his problems, my problems (including the real, deep and often long lasting hurt he caused) and I need to know if he really wants me ... because; trust me on this... I don't want any man who doesn't really want me ... THAT is just too much work all around all the time.
I know you are bewildered, hurting, feeling lost in your mind, not thinking clearly, exhausted, possibly depressed and many other possibilities ... so this really, really, REALLY sucks rotten eggs.
But .... you have some real decisions to make. I hope you make the decisions that will lead to the kind of life you want.
Praying you will find peace in whatever decisions you make.
Failure to attempt is failure.
Wishing you the best in these difficult times.
I think you're wise to continue the 180. "Feeling nothing" for him is a good thing for you. Wondering why (you feel nothing) is a bit of over-thinking, but you're not alone - a lot of us do that!
Keep going toward "Indifferenceville"...
I wouldn't touch that guy if I were enclosed in a complete body bag from head to toe and he were hosed down with a Bio-Hazard 4 chemical wash. Freakin' genital warts???? That's caused by HPV - and I think that's one of the strains that can cause cervical cancer in women. I'd take an oath of celibacy before touching him.
And I highly doubt he got genital warts from supposed BJs. He's been doing A LOT more with his hooker friends than he's telling you. This guy's such a disease-ridden mess.
You might want to read on 'cuckolding.' That's basically a man who is shamed by his wife or girlfriend while he's forced to watch her have sex with another man. A lot of the cuckolding fantasies ALSO have the cuckold 'servicing' the stud that's pleasing his woman.
Do you really need this shit in your life that bad?
I'm so glad to hear you were lucky - THIS TIME - and your STD testing was negative. Don't touch him.
Check out the thread in the I Can Relate forum for spouses of Sex Addicts. There is a ton of good information there.
First and foremost take care of you, he is in charge of him and, seemingly doing a piss-poor job managing himself. No matter what happens to to your M, you need to take care of you first.
He needs to be evaluated by a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist - ya, who knew such a thing even existed, right?), but many times a practice with multiple CSATs will have a couple of therapists specializing in treating the spouses - for trauma, and whatever else you might need. It helped me a lot.
Do not have sex with him, even if you want to. He needs to get his STD treated, and he needs to get a handle on his mental disease as well. Cheaters lie and liars cheat, and addicts take that to a whole new level.
Take care of you. And check out the thread in I Can Relate.
edited for typos (I always have to!)
I don't believe you can get genital warts from bj's. That's why they're called "genital" warts. I agree with Neveragain there was probably lots more contact than just oral sex.
No matter how much he begs, DO NOT have sex with him until he is certified clean. I'm not 100% sure, but I believe this type of STD never goes away, like herpes, it can pop up again. Please look into that. If it is the case, you are now looking at sex the rest of your life with him using a condom. Selfish shit IMO.
My WH also used all the same excuses - neglected, lonely, no time for him, not enough sex, I was done with the marriage, didn't want him any more. All these feeling and emotions HE projected on me to justify his affair. Don't believe any of it. The choice to cheat is 100% on him, no matter what the state of your marriage, or his perception of it. YOU did NOTHING wrong.
Keep posting, you will get lots of support, answers, and comfort from this site and its wonderful members.
Luck and hugs.
Right now, you do not even know the questions to ask much less process everything. Take your time with this, protect your body and your heart. At his age, I doubt this just magically appeared in the last few months. He is deflecting big time.
I tell people I am tired but really my heart is broken and I am sad.