SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In the 3+ weeks since D-day I have visited often & been reassured by great advice on everything from the Infidelity Diet to STI screening ( clear !! Thank you Angels) now I need to share & ask for your help again. WH was found out when our daughter opened a text on his phone and saw part of the conversation from another number, the 27 texts from that day included details & pics of the escort (hooker!) he had been with. Our daughter then had to tell & show me !! After lies, denials & claims that I drove him to it (neglected, lonely, I had no time for him, didn't think I wanted him sexually blah, blah) I asked him to leave on Dday+2 & he did. He's now on antidepressants , being treated for genital warts ( guess that's what happens when you have unprotected bj's from a hooker registered on every escort site available! ) & thinks he may be a sex

Addict! He's having IC & says sex is a "fix" for him, he's been viewing sites for 4 years but only took it further in the last 3 months. He quickly progressed from meeting his 1st fuck buddy in a hotel, twice at lunchtime, for mutual masturbation to meeting this escort in her family home (nice!) with the full knowledge and understanding of her husband... he advertises on the same site as a cuckold !? All new & strange to me!! Anyway WH says it was all going too far too fast, he is glad he's been found out and that we can talk about it. He has, exactly as you've all posted, lied, denied & trickled out the truth and in the process I seem to have lost all feeling. .. I don't seem to care? I can't be with him physically. .. I tried after 2 weeks but HB doesn't seem to be the way for me. I look at him and feel sad that he can't understand what he has done and ruined. He's desperate to R but me? I just don't know! ! I'm gathering information and have taken legal advice but with my new 'me, myself & I' mindset am taking my time & making no decisions. However, WH is constantly texting, visiting& wanting to make love to me... that's quite a change as for years it was a quickie due to erectile problems that he never sought help for. NOW I know that links in to porn etc but previously I was sweet & innocent ! I am refusing his every advance because I wonder if he's actually just using me for his next "fix" rather than wanting ME... am I over thinking this

[This message edited by earthangel at 5:38 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]

It shouldn't be easy for him. It doesn't sound like he wants much to be different, just that he wants you to make changes.

Is he willing to go to counseling? Do anything else to make a clear change? If not, then I would guess he is just out to improve his own situation.

Please do not have sex with someone who has genital warts as a tip from a hooker.

If I were in your place I would do the following:

1 - decide if this man is someone I want to be married with

2 - if he IS someone I'd want to be married with - then decide if his behavior is a 'deal breaker' and/or anything I want to deal with and heal from for the rest of my life with him

3 - if this is NOT a deal breaker and I am willing to do this work with his problems then

4 - I need to know if HE is willing to deal with his problems, my problems (including the real, deep and often long lasting hurt he caused) and I need to know if he really wants me ... because; trust me on this... I don't want any man who doesn't really want me ... THAT is just too much work all around all the time.

I know you are bewildered, hurting, feeling lost in your mind, not thinking clearly, exhausted, possibly depressed and many other possibilities ... so this really, really, REALLY sucks rotten eggs.

But .... you have some real decisions to make. I hope you make the decisions that will lead to the kind of life you want.

Praying you will find peace in whatever decisions you make.

I'd try to consider what would be best for your daughter. I kinda feel like you'd be stetting a good example by loosing the cheat. If you do, fix an image of his warty dick in your mind - to help with any second guessing that might creep up.

Wishing you the best in these difficult times.

Thanks. I think you're all telling me something that I already know. .. I can't see past the sad and pathetic man in front of me to find the husband I loved and thought I'd spend the rest of my life with.

The 180 has worked so well that he's desperate and I just don't seem to feel anything. Perhaps it's time for me to start counselling, too?

My daughter is already having IC since she discovered her dad's betrayal. I'm not sure their relationship will ever recover but that's 100% his fault, not mine or hers.

I don't ever want my daughter to look at me as someone who stood for this...

Yes, you are over thinking this. You are just new to all of this and the emotions you are having, while perfectly normal, are running through you and any decision you make now would definitely be considered in haste. Take your time. You don't have to decide anything right now. All you have to do is look after yourself and your daughter. She must be devastated too. After all, he's been cheating, in one form or another, for 4 years. You need a hell of a lot longer to heal than 3 weeks. It sounds like you are doing the right things. You have seen a lawyer and know your rights. Now just make sure you eat, drink, exercise and take time for YOU. Have you started IC for yourself. And your daughter. She must be extremely angry and confused. I know my daughter (WS step-daughter) is very angry and having a difficult time dealing with her step-dad as well. And she is a very mature grown 40 year old. It's hard to witness your Mom going through something like this. The betrayal is wide spread and unbelievably insidious. You need time to, first, get over the shock. The hurt will take a lot longer and so will the anger. Take your time. You can make a decision anytime you want. This is not something where you need to decide now. I am 21 months from DDay and while we are trying to R, I won't guarantee anything to my WS except that I will try. No promises have been made because, honestly, I just don't know. This will all become clearer for you once some time has past and you aren't feeling so raw and vulnerable. Good Luck.

It's good that you're "refusing his every advance".

Because, you know,

that's "about him" - and his comfort, isn't it?

It's further medication-seeking on his part.

I think you're wise to continue the 180. "Feeling nothing" for him is a good thing for you. Wondering why (you feel nothing) is a bit of over-thinking, but you're not alone - a lot of us do that!

Keep going toward "Indifferenceville"...

Ugh.

I wouldn't touch that guy if I were enclosed in a complete body bag from head to toe and he were hosed down with a Bio-Hazard 4 chemical wash. Freakin' genital warts???? That's caused by HPV - and I think that's one of the strains that can cause cervical cancer in women. I'd take an oath of celibacy before touching him.

And I highly doubt he got genital warts from supposed BJs. He's been doing A LOT more with his hooker friends than he's telling you. This guy's such a disease-ridden mess.

You might want to read on 'cuckolding.' That's basically a man who is shamed by his wife or girlfriend while he's forced to watch her have sex with another man. A lot of the cuckolding fantasies ALSO have the cuckold 'servicing' the stud that's pleasing his woman.

Do you really need this shit in your life that bad?

I'm so glad to hear you were lucky - THIS TIME - and your STD testing was negative. Don't touch him.

What devastated said. No need to make a decision now. If he is a sex addict, that opens up an entirely new layer of problems. Counseling for you? Without a doubt, but with a certified sex addiction therapist IF he has a bona fide diagnosis.

And btw, a diagnosis doesn't let him off the hook. Last I checked, being addicted to anything doesn't mean you don't have full responsibility for your outrageously stupid choices. Not does it mean YOU are obliged to stay with him because he has a disease.

In my case, my kids do not think less of me because I'm staying. But my SAFWH is working hard in recovery, is making amends to all of us and is a totally different person from who he was before. They see two people working to rebuild a broken marriage and recall a mother who held a family together through tough times when we thought we were dealing with depression and mental illness, unaware of the infidelity. All of us know that I will not stay if he relapses.

Wait. Take your time. You owe him nothing, certainty not intimacy until he is properly treated. Even then, it is your call.

So sorry you are here, but you've come to the best place to be once you're qualified...

Check out the thread in the I Can Relate forum for spouses of Sex Addicts. There is a ton of good information there.

First and foremost take care of you, he is in charge of him and, seemingly doing a piss-poor job managing himself. No matter what happens to to your M, you need to take care of you first.

He needs to be evaluated by a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist - ya, who knew such a thing even existed, right?), but many times a practice with multiple CSATs will have a couple of therapists specializing in treating the spouses - for trauma, and whatever else you might need. It helped me a lot.

Do not have sex with him, even if you want to. He needs to get his STD treated, and he needs to get a handle on his mental disease as well. Cheaters lie and liars cheat, and addicts take that to a whole new level.

Take care of you. And check out the thread in I Can Relate.

Sorry for your pain earthangel. We've all felt it and we all get it.

I don't believe you can get genital warts from bj's. That's why they're called "genital" warts. I agree with Neveragain there was probably lots more contact than just oral sex.

No matter how much he begs, DO NOT have sex with him until he is certified clean. I'm not 100% sure, but I believe this type of STD never goes away, like herpes, it can pop up again. Please look into that. If it is the case, you are now looking at sex the rest of your life with him using a condom. Selfish shit IMO.

My WH also used all the same excuses - neglected, lonely, no time for him, not enough sex, I was done with the marriage, didn't want him any more. All these feeling and emotions HE projected on me to justify his affair. Don't believe any of it. The choice to cheat is 100% on him, no matter what the state of your marriage, or his perception of it. YOU did NOTHING wrong.

Keep posting, you will get lots of support, answers, and comfort from this site and its wonderful members.

Luck and hugs.

I found out the hard way. For the first few months after DDay the ice berg analogy applies. You can see 20% above the surface with a few confessions. You cannot see the other 80% they keep hidden below the surface. I would bet there is a lot more to discover and know.

Right now, you do not even know the questions to ask much less process everything. Take your time with this, protect your body and your heart. At his age, I doubt this just magically appeared in the last few months. He is deflecting big time.

Genital warts can't be 'cured.' An infected person can have a 'break out' anytime and especially when there is added stress or low immunity. Some sources say it can be passed when there are no actual warts present while others say it can be passed only when warts are present. Personally, I would NOT take the chance on that.... so I agree; you are looking at sex only with a condom if you choose to stay with him. I also am unsure of how far the warts can reach on the body and genital area ... condoms only cover the shaft of the penis.