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My gay bf of cheated on me with a random guy he met online

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beggo321 posted 8/7/2014 17:57 PM

I recently got the opportunity to visit my boyfriend for 2 weeks who got landed in a temporary job 3 hours away from me.

We've only been apart for 3 weeks and up until now everything was going great between us since we met 7 months ago - I called him and texted him all the time, reminding him of how much I loved him - he did the same.

Anyway, last night while he was at work I opened up his laptop to watch a movie when up comes a series of emails between him and some other guy. The guy sent a couple of dick pics to him and my bf sent a few slutty ones of himself.

I confronted him as soon as he walked in the door and after several moments of bullshit he eventually told me everything. Basically, he started messaging a guy who lived close by on Facebook and arranged to meet up with him and have sex.

I made him hand over his phone to me so I could read the chat logs between then, and I was physically revolted. One of the messages my bf wrote to him was "make sure you bring plenty of lube so you can fuck me with your big dick"

They met in a parking lot close to his work very late at night and according to my bf they just made out, and said the guy just fingered him. He said that he refused to let him have sex with him because he didn't have a condom, but I'm not entirely sure I believe this.

I'm utterly heartbroken by what he did and I'm constantly bawling my eyes out every time I think about it.

My bf is crying a lot too, begging me to give him one more chance and promising that he will never do anything like it again.

My head is all over the place not and I'm not thinking straight so some good advise will be much appreciated.

My bf is now in hysterics with guilt and says he now wants to kill himself. He's saying that if I loved him I would give him a second chance and that he would never do anything like this again.

[This message edited by beggo321 at 5:58 PM, August 7th (Thursday)]

notanavrageangel posted 8/7/2014 18:21 PM

First of all beggo321, welcome to SI the place no one ever wants to find themselves. I had my DDay (discovery day) on July 4th this year, so this is very close to home for me.

I have a few words of advice for you
1) make sure you take good care of yourself in the coming days/weeks. Its been very hard for me to eat and work out and concentrate. This is a very difficult time.

2) if you are going to decide to reconcile with your WBF (wandering boyfriend), you should think very clearly about what conditions you have for him to meet. DO NOT (i repeat, do not) let this deed get swept under the rug and try to forget about it. Doing that will send the wrong message to WBF that you will tolerate this sort of behavior.

You mention he is crying with guilt, but guilt is much different than true remorse. I am "fortunate" that I have a very remorseful WH who is digging deep to figure out WHY he got himself into an affair. It has a lot to do with self esteem issues for him and the feeling that he doesn't deserve love so he sabotages things for himself.

3) you need to get him to dig deep and figure out WHY he did this. I would say you should require him to get counseling as a condition for you to work on the relationship.

You've been together 7 months, have you seen any signs of this behavior before? I would suggest you read (together) a book called Not "Just Friends" it is very neutral in its opinion and has a focus on saving the relationship and making it stronger in the wake of an infidelity.

Also get STD tested! You just never know :(.

Please keep posting here, we will help in any way we can. This is a very difficult time. I am sending you big hugs!

allusions posted 8/7/2014 23:36 PM


Don't let him manipulate you by threatening suicide. If he threatens to kill himself, call 911 (or 999 or whatever your local emergency number is) and let the authorities help him.

So he says if you loved him you would give him a second chance? Really? If HE loved YOU then he wouldn't have been involved with someone else. It's not up to him to dictate what your behavior ought to be at this point.

Think very hard before offering to reconcile with him. You've only been together for 7 months and he's betraying you already? Dig deep and find out more about him and who he is. He doesn't sound committed to you at all.

Take care of yourself. Eat, drink water, and try to get some rest. Don't have unprotected sex with him until you and he both have been tested for all STDs and the results are negative.

Rubix posted 8/8/2014 05:33 AM

Hi beggo. I am in similar situation myself. Like notanavrageangel says take care of yourself. Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in our thoughts and mental movies (replaying what we have seen or read or just imagine) that we forget to take care of ourselves. Did you know he was bisexual when you met?

my WH also threatened suicide, it's s form of control. Do not let him trap you.

so sorry for your pain honey. Please keep posting. So many amazing people here to help and support you through this

Skan posted 8/8/2014 10:56 AM

Hey Beggo321. Welcome. I'm so sorry that your WBF gave you the reason to come seek us.

If you have not already, take a look in the upper left corner, at the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Start reading. Also look in the first 2-3 pages of this forum and read any post that has a red "target" next to it. All of this is information that has been written by people who have BTDT. Knowledge is power, and there's a script that most cheaters follow (yours is, already) and there are common mistakes that most betrayed folks make ... like trying to nice their waywards back.

Right now, your WBF is exhibiting classic cheater behaviors of an unremorseful slut who is only unhappy that he got caught. Not especially because he betrayed you yeah, that's unfortunate, but his true feeling is to cover his ass right now. Of course he screwed the OM. They didn't spend all of this time and sexting to simply chastely kiss and talk about unicorns when they hooked up. And of course he's going to tell you as little as possible because it's all about covering his ass right now, instead of giving you the truth, becoming transparent, and helping you to heal. So be prepared as he TTs (trickle truths) you and only releases bits and pieces of information at a time, re-wounding and re-wounding you. Insist on STD/HIV full work-up panel of tests. Your health is far too important to ride on the word of a proven liar.

And the next time he threatens suicide, call 911 and have them take him in for a mandatory 72 hour evaluation. Either he is 1) serious and that means that you MUST call to protect both of yourselves, or 2) he is trying to manipulate you and you must put an end to that immediately for YOUR sake.

Hang in there and post often. We're all here for you.

Merida posted 8/8/2014 11:06 AM

skan gave you great advice

presume everything said is a lie and get disgusted by the manipulation to threaten suicide if you don't cave and give him a second chance you are not the bad guy / he's not the victim and yes please please please get STD tested

you've only been with SO for 7mos and he can't remain faithful? And seeks out a random fuck? That's huge red flags to me and I would so at least go 180 and if there's another suicide threat go and call 911 - take him at his word if he claims he's that unstable than allow mental health to take it from there = over your head

Do not engage - you may have a narcissist on your hands who gave you good reason to go and quickly or you at least got a great chance to do some major work into getting into why he chose to invest his energy like that into a stranger instead of investing into your welcome home amazing return love fest for you two

just my thoughts

sorry you are here but get reading and you will become stronger!

beggo321 posted 8/8/2014 11:17 AM

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice. I am literally humbled by all of you taking the time out of your day to help me at my lowest point.

BtraydWife posted 8/8/2014 12:41 PM

You've received great advice.

I just want to agree with not believing they just messed around. They had sex, that's what the whole meeting was about. They weren't planning a romantic dinner date, it was a hook up for sex.

And I want to second calling 911 if he mentions suicide again. Don't think it is overreacting. Personally, I bet he doesn't intend to actually do it, it's only to jerk your emotions around. Anyway, calling 911 if he does it again will put that pathetic act on ice. He won't bluff if he knows you'll take it seriously. Don't follow him down that hell hole, call and put a stop to it. That crosses so many lines it's ridiculous. That's a serious asshole move.

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