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Just had DD3 Is R Possible

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BlueinStLou posted 8/7/2014 18:02 PM

On March 26 2014 I found out that my husband of 14 years had been having an affair for three months with a woman he met on Ashley Madison. I confronted him, he said he would end it. I discovered him because of a 50 page chat thread I found on our computer.

We started counseling and I thought things were getting better. I had put spyware on our computer and on April 15 I had DD2 when I found a chat thread where they were planning a bid meetup the next day while I would be out of town. I confronted him again, and actually her. I threatened to send all the stuff I had to her husband. She begged me not to, said she had just realized she wanted to save her relationship and swore no more contact if I didn't send to her husband.

I started to get suspicious early in July, and started tracking husband with a GPS. Caught them on July 15. Texted both screenshots of the GPS. Told her I would be telling her husband that night. She and my husband planned how she should tell him, involving a long sexual encounter followed by "I've been having an affair". Her husband tried to call my husband the next day, but I had his phone. I talked to her husband, and told him some things she hadn't.

On July 16, everything can to a head. She was talking on the phone to her husband, while texting mine that she needed my husband to come and be with her because she was afraid of what was going to happen. My husband called me to tell me he was going to her. I called her husband. She ended up telling her husband that she wasn't texting my WH, and that my WH was stalking her. We ended up all on the phone together, and her husband said "well are you a creepy stalker". She didn't say a word, then after a minute she admitted that the stalking was a lie.

Apparently, the whole revelation that she was ready to call WH a stalker to try and keep up the lies to her husband was an awakening for WH. He ended up confessing a lot of details to me, including showing me their Avocado account (messaging app for lovers).

I am reeling. I don't know how to tell if this is different. OW lives in the same town. Now I am getting phone calls, texts, and emails with quotes from their chats designed to hurt - quotes from my dH saying she gives better blow jobs, he wants to be with her, he doesn't love me, etc. All the most hurtful painful things.

Where do I start? How do I know what to believe?

We had already spent about $1500 on counseling, but obviously he lied that whole time.

annb posted 8/8/2014 07:38 AM

Wow, I am so sorry.

Unless your husband is truly remorseful, which obviously he is not, you cannot have true R.

Is he in individual counseling?

Where do I start? How do I know what to believe?

You start by consulting an attorney. You show him you will not tolerate his crap any longer. You make him understand there is no room for three in a marriage.

Then hit him with the 180 hard. No more playing games with your life. Unless he has consequences to his actions, he will not understand the depth of his actions.

Play hardball.

happyman64 posted 8/8/2014 08:19 AM

AnnB is 100% right Blue.

You need to show him consequences.

You also need to ley him know you are ready to move forward in life with or without him.

And if the OW thinks she is better than you because she gives better BJ's then she truly is a nutjob.

Forward that email to her husband asking to put his wife back on her leash.

That OW is crazy.


wk55hn posted 8/8/2014 08:58 AM

Mine did. He even introduced me to her one night at a local restaurant kids night. Told me she was a previous co-worker. Turns out she wanted to meet me. Then he took our kids to her house, to numerous dates at the park.
The final insult was that he was taking our kids on dinner dates with her and told them to keep it a secret from me. When I asked them, my 4 year old son told me that they kept it a secret cause "Daddy said you don't get along with her." I said "why would Daddy say that?" My son said "cause she is Daddy's girlfriend". It just tore a hole in my heart.

What kind of person does something like this to his young children?

When I was 8, I had a friend whose father was cheating on his mother. He was cheating with an other married woman who lived in town, who also had an 8-year-old son. They would sometimes take the kids on their dates. I remember one day my friend told me they all went to a ball game and that his father told him he better not tell his mother or he would get the beating of his life. I also remember my friend getting physically ill every single morning, vomiting all the way to school and sometimes throughout the day. My friend had a lot of emotional problems, did very very poorly in school, none of which were a problem before any of this went on. His parents got divorced when he was 10, but in my opinion he was affected by these early events in his life for a long time, and he didn't get himself right with it until well into adulthood.

Normally I would advocate trying to reconcile for the sake of the kids. Based on this absolutely horrendous behavior, in your case, I would recommend the opposite. Get rid of this guy as quickly as you can and protect your children from him as much as you can. As far as I'm concerned, what he did to your kids with telling them to lie to you about the dates they accompanied him on with other woman is a form of child abuse.

determinata posted 8/8/2014 09:03 AM

I'm in a completely different boat and don't have any applicable advice. Just a biggggggggggggggg hug to you. I'm so sorry.

NobleHeart posted 8/8/2014 10:13 AM

Oh-My-God! I am SO sorry that you are going through this and your kids too. At this point, it is not just about protecting yourself but your children. What he has done to you is far beyond inhuman. Start planning your future without him, he is not worth trying to reconcile (you've tried before) just put it in your head that you will be ok and move on. I know it is easier said than done but that's what I did. I was too embarrass to let people know or deal with "what people r going to say" but now I am past that. I don't depend on him so I let him go.

God bless you and

Hugs to you....

BlueinStLou posted 8/8/2014 12:23 PM

I have asked him to explain how/why he thinks everything is different now. He says that before he was "compartmentalizing" essentially living two lives in his mind, with feelings in each instance that were totally devoid of any consideration of the other person.

For example, they had planned for him to leave me when he got a new job he had applied for. He didn't get the job (he just found that out well after DD3), but when I ask him what would have happened had I not found out and he had gotten the job, he says he still would not have left me - it was just a fantasy with her. I asked him - wouldn't she have gotten angry then? Wouldn't she have expected him to follow through on his promises to her? He just can't answer. He hasn't had a real full time job since last November (I think that is the cause of a lot - too much free time!) and financially more MC would be a huge burden. But I'm not sure he would want to do it anyway.

What if he is sincere now? I don't think there has been contact for the last two weeks (I'm getting pretty damn good at spying).

We sat down with our kids and told them that neither parent should EVER ask them to keep secrets and if either of us does, they are to call their grandmother (his mom) who is appalled at his behavior and knows the whole thing.

wk55hn posted 8/8/2014 12:44 PM

We sat down with our kids and told them that neither parent should EVER ask them to keep secrets and if either of us does, they are to call their grandmother (his mom)

You have a 4-year-old. How old are your other kids? Why do you think this is a good solution?

tushnurse posted 8/8/2014 13:20 PM

Welcome BluSTL.
As a veteran and fellow neighbor, I want to offer you some sound words of advice. I want you to know right off the bat that I am a straight shooter, and don't paint my responses with rainbows, and flowers, so sometimes it comes across a bit harsh.

Your H is having some sort of midlife crisis it seems, and it's time to stop letting him run the show. You need to take control, and start getting your feet under you again.

1. See a lawyer ASAP. Find out your rights, his responsibilities, and learn how this shit will play out, and if it matters who files, and how long it takes and all that.

2. See your Dr, get a full STD panel including blood work. Talk to your Dr about why, and if you are having trouble with sleeping and eating, let them know. Many of us needed a little pharmaceutical help to get us through, and malnutrition and sleep deprivation make it much more difficult to keep your head in the game, and keep the emotions under control.

3. If he is serious about staying, and really R'ing then he should have ZERO qualms about sending the Bunny Boiler (fatal attraction reference used here) a Cease and Desist letter, penned by him, or your family attorney. She needs to know that if she doesn't back off you are going to move forward with charges, restraining orders, and all that. If he balks, serve him.

4. Lay down the rules for what you absolutely require of him to R. If he balks, serve him.

5. Quit listening to the stuff he spewing from his mouth. The one thing you know is certain right now is that he is lying liar that lies out his liar hole. Tell him you don't believe him or trust him, and it's his job to prove through actions, that are consistent, and compassionate, and loving that he really does want R. If he balks, serve him.

None of us that were successful in saving our M's did it because we were the nice guy, or we let them take control of the situation. We managed to get through it because we got the light switch to flip in their broken little brains that they have messed up, and messed up BIG. That they have tons and tons of work to do to fix their broken selves, and then did the work.

Do Not allow him to blame, minimize, or rugsweep any of this. YOU and your children deserve much more, and if he can't give you that, then you don't need him, and you will be better off, and certainly much healthier without him.

(((and strength)))

BlueinStLou posted 8/8/2014 23:44 PM

I decided to tell the kids as little as possible. My oldest is 9, but pretty emotionally fragile. Youngest is 19 months. At this point they really don't know much. Oldest has ADD, which is kind of a blessing in this because she is a bit oblivious. I wanted them to understand that keeping secrets is NEVER okay, and wanted them to be able to go to someone they trusted. Both know how to call Grandma, and she is aware of the whole situation. She is still his mom, so I won't say she is on my side, but she already told him "you weren't raised like this" and my FIL put it more strongly. Plus they are close, so they will intervene if needed to protect the kids.

He says he is ready to do anything I ask. Period. NC letter has already been sent (drafted by a lawyer). To my knowledge there has been no contact from her or him to each other, although she has texted me some mild threats and her husband has been in contact with me a couple of times. WH seems very remorseful. I am just still in so much shock at being fooled twice more that I am not sure what to do. Plus, I am getting these anonymous texts, emails and calls with "clips" from their avocado account. They are super hurtful. They are coming through software that makes them impossible to block.

When I get them, WH seems to be upset that she would continue to try and hurt me. He says it should be kind of a positive to me, that she is trying to hurt me and make me throw him out because she thinks that he will go back to her. That may be true, but it is like having the wound reopened and salt poured on it every couple of days. I have not let her have any reaction to them at all, because I hope that she will get tired if there is no response.

kaylee711 posted 8/8/2014 23:55 PM

I know how you are feeling. My youngest will be 9 in a day, and my oldest is a teenager (and he's no dummy - he knows something is up because I'm crying all of the time).

Even though my WS typed & sent an email to the OW (& cc'd me) telling her that he was "terminating contact" and for her not to email or text him b/c he wouldn't respond, there's something inside my heart & head saying that he just did this to appease me and make himself look like he was the fatal attraction victim.

Did your WS copy you in on an email or any other communication terminating the relationship with the OW?


Gotmegood posted 8/9/2014 00:07 AM

Wow. You are still receiving revelatory and hurtful texts from your WH's whack job? Get your attorney to contact her again to let her know that the police will be involved if you get one more sentence from her. Can you change your e-mail address too?
Listen Blue, be very careful if you intend to remain in a relationship with your WH. He has proven to you that he lies, and lies easily. You have proven to him that you are forgiving, and will 'take him back'. If I were you, I'd be investigating divorce, and I'd let him know that you are. Have the papers ready, you do not have to file at this time, but you can be well armed. Read the post from Tushnurse again. Be strong. Be disgusted with his behavior. Love and honor and care for yourself.

BlueinStLou posted 8/9/2014 01:43 AM

Well they are hurtful, but not revealing. He let me read the messages in avocado, but in more than 3 hours I only got through a month (there were almost 30000 in one month). I had already read everything she is sending. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt the second time around though.

I can't take legal action because they are all coming anonymously. Technically they could be from her, WH, OS, or anyone that either of them gave a password to. I just am convinced they are from her because no one else really has a motive. WH is ashamed, and would rather no one could ever saw those words again.

somer222 posted 8/9/2014 09:41 AM

You don't deserve ANY of this. If I were you, I would read and re-read everything that tushnurse had to say.

I've read all of your posts and there isn't any way for me to gently say what my impressions are of your WS. Go back and read your posts, honey. Try to pretend this is happening to someone else so that you can be as objective as possible in assessing your situation.

I think the best thing you can hope for is that he finds a full-time job so that he can pull his weight in helping to support your children, and you can then file for D and get some kind of financial support from him. You need to see an attorney about all of this.

I would hold his feet to the carpet on his unemployment status. He has wasted months and months of time f*****ing around when he should have been investing all of his energies into securing employment.

He has put you and your children in harms way financially, emotionally and from a safety standpoint. Now you have a lunatic woman harassing you. He brought her into your lives. He made it all happen when he decided to cheat and signed up for Ashley Madison.

Now he acting remorseful. I don't buy it. Not one bit. He may be sorry that it has turned out this way (for him), but all I can see is a very, very narcissistic and selfish man. You doubt he will go to MC. I think even if he would go, it would just be a waste of money and time. He needs psychological evaluation and treatment to find out what is really wrong with him that he would do all of this to you and to your children. He most likely doesn't want to hear what they would have to say.

Stop listening to his line of bs and change your cell phone number so OW can't continue what she is doing. IMO, the best thing that could happen for you would be to make him leave the house so that you can have some peace.

I'm sorry that he did this to you. You do not deserve any of this.


bmf1978 posted 9/18/2014 12:56 PM

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You asked, how do you know what to believe. I think it's pretty clear that you can't believe anything that anyone says in this mess of a situation. But, most importantly, you can't believe anything that your husband says. He has repeatedly lied to and cheated on you. Seems to me like it's time to get rid of him. You deserve better.

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