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Newest Member: Brokeninnm38 (61788)

User Topic: What Can Make Up For the A?
♀ 44330
Member # 44330
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went to a counselor today (by myself, fo course) and she asked me to think about this question after I leave.

I wonder, if these characters were to return, just WHAT would they have to do that would make us feel as if they "made up" for having an A? How much can they (or, should they) do to help us get over it? Short of having a revenge A (not my style) I'm wondering now, just what should I ask the bum to do to make up for doing this to me?

Any suggestions?

Posts: 185 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Chicago
♀ 41193
Member # 41193
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


Nothing can make up for your spouse having an A, although a lot of people recover from it.

In marriage counseling part 1, our counselor asked me what "restitution" I should receive for the wrong that had been done to me. I replied, "There is nothing that could make up for this."

Later, when I found out WH had continued the A, I took all the travel time, hours and money spent on counseling and went on 2 solo vacations.

Those were supposed to help me sort things out & make a decision about our marriage, but I'm still in limbo and on the fence.

Me: 60, WH 67
Married: 23 years
DS 21, 2 adult stepdaughters
DDay: Oct. 14, 2013
Divorced Jan. 2016

Posts: 961 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 38207
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 6:59 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nothing. Not even a revenge A can 'make up' for it. You can heal, but to do that you have to let to of the scorecard.
To help you heal? Committ to change. Discuss. Be honest and authentic. Read. Go to counseling (if possible). Search themselves to find and fix what is broken in them. Do whatever necessary to make you feel safe and secure. Show, through actions, that you are a priority and he is committed to you.

Posts: 1595 | Registered: Jan 2013
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 7:00 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me a long time to stop asking that Q. Nothing makes up for being betrayed, and every bit of energy trying to figure something out is wasted.

If you're in R, the best you can hope for is a truly loving and engaged M - but that's what you both deserved all along, so it doesn't make up for the A.

It's a great outcome, though.

fBH (me) - 66 on d-day, Married 43, together 45 on d-day, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
Most of us know only our own experience. That's not enough data to support a general rule that D, or R, is right in every sitch.

Posts: 17029 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
♀ 43221
Member # 43221
Default  Posted: 7:03 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Other than a TRULY REMORSEFUL SPOUSE....nothing can 'make up' for an affair.....
But if you choose to R and do all the hard work you can have a great marriage again....
and as everyone here knows hard work is what it takes...
some people renew vows ....some even divorce and remarry....
What are you thinking can 'make up' for the A?

3 adult children 1D 2S
LTA 2010-2012
D-day - 11-11-2012
status - reconciling and very hopeful

" I will not define myself by what went wrong yesterday when I can draw upon Life and Love right now." R.R

Posts: 2529 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: sunny california
♀ 20547
Member # 20547
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, August 7th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He told me, if I ever gave him another chance, he would spend every day showing me how sorry he was, and how much he regretted the affair.

So far, he has made good on that promise, for the past 7 years.

Remorseful, NC, transparent, and mostly honest (some TT before we saw an MC). Willing to do what is needed for my comfort and reassurance.

FBS/WS- me.
F(serial)WS/BS- him.

Madhatters. More Ddays than birthdays, at this point.

Posts: 2588 | Registered: Aug 2008
♀ 44003
Member # 44003
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked my H how he planned on making it up to me and his answer was by being the man I deserved for the rest of my life (which he should have been doing all along). However, his attempt to woo me back only lasted about 4.5 months, so I have decided to divorce (I filed the week after DDay). I feel that he won't change and a weight has been lifted off of me, as I no longer obsess about how I can live happily ever after with a man that could treat me this way. Not only did he have an affair, but he tried to come back full of promises, which turned out to be empty. I am no longer concerned about how to accept what he has done. To me, it is unacceptable. I admire those that can make it work and have a stronger marriage, but my WH is just not man enough to put in the work required. I hope that yours is willing to put in the work it takes to fight for your marriage. Good luck to you and I hope everything works out in your favor.

Me: BW
2 DD: 18 & 5; 1 DS: 10
Divorced May 2015
'Everytime you get up and get back in the race, one more small piece of you starts to fall into place.' -

Posts: 539 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Hampton, VA
♂ 41920
Member # 41920
Default  Posted: 12:11 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think it's possible to really make up for an A. But a few things are essential to move in that direction:

* The WS needs to terminate all infidelity immediately and disclose all aspects of the A to the BS in whatever level of detail the BS feels they need to heal.
* The WS needs to work his/her ass off to understand the effects of the A on the BS.
* The WS needs to educate him/herself on infidelity in general and why it is so damaging and hurtful.
* The WS must strike from his vocabulary any language that tends to minimize, justify, obscure, or shift blame for the A.
* The WS needs to be proactive in understanding the nature of the pain caused and think of creative and sensitive ways to reduce that pain whenever possible.
* The WS needs to be completely open in all aspects of their life, including their inner emotional life, to the BS until such time as the BS thinks some privacy can be restored without significant pain or fear.
* The WS needs to express extreme apologetic remorse to whatever degree makes the BS feel like trust may be possible.
* The WS needs to completely abandon their pride in the service of this work.

IF the WS does ALL these things, then it might come close to "making up" for the A. Of course, we all know how many WS's actually do these things -- not nearly enough.

XBH 50, 2DS
M 20 years
Now remarried to a faithful wife

Posts: 1579 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: California
♀ 30634
Member # 30634
Default  Posted: 12:33 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree completely with everyone else here.

It is like when your home burns to the ground and there are only a few charred memories found in the ashes. Then the insurance company comes and 'pays you' what the house was 'worth' so you can buy 'replacements' of everything.

Do you end up with a new house? Yes. Do you end up with new furnishings? Yes. Is it the 'same?' No, not really. It is both good and bad. You've lost so much that cannot be replaced. But, you've also gained a point in which you can start over; completely, clean up, trash the trash and move on to a bigger better more stable life.

The way to reconcile is to build the honoring kind of marriage we all should have had before the affair.

Both parties MUST want to stay in the marriage AND do the real WORK each and EVERY day to have a good marriage. With a terribly hurting partner (the one who was cheated upon) it takes time (more than we want and usually longer than we think it should take) and extra special care to get there.

Married 8/20/1994
DDay 6/23/2010
A gift is not given if it has been demanded.

Failure to attempt is failure.

Posts: 444 | Registered: Jan 2011
Topic Posts: 9

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