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22 months out...still flat feeling..

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sri624 posted 8/7/2014 19:27 PM

hello everyone....well...we are 22 months out. and i am not sure that i could ask for my h to do anything more to help me heal. all the things in the healing library are being done. he is so hopeful for our future. i guess he is looking a his life now with me and the kids as a new beginning from him...a sober life.

i am still in ic...weekly. i am not walking around mad and in a rage. but i still think about "what he did" everyday. even at lunch today...and a massage (which has been our fun thing to do)....i still think of what happend. how could he do that, you know? i was one of the BS that wanted to know every detail...and man i got it. even from the OW who was all too happy to rub it all in my face. it seems like it was a long time ago at times...but other times it seems like it happend this morning.

i feel detached from him. i feel like i really care about him...but that i am not in love with him...not like before. everything seems so tained with him. and when he is pouring out his heart to me...which he does often...and tell me that he is happy with me and the kids...and that finally...finally now he sees what is really important and will fight to keep it.....NOW....i guess i just feel sort of empty. i just smile at him...and tell him that it is good to hear that. i dont follow up with pouring my heart out to him. i guess i am too afraid to do that. a false r will do that i guess.

sometime, i want to be with someone who i can just pour my heart out to...i wish i could do that with him. but all i think about when i attemp to do how i did that before...and he was still seeing the ow he met off the internet. the one who told me she was a sex addict and had herpes..and he "knew that." or how she made it a point to tell me all the personal things he shared with her about me...and our problems. did i mention she is a therapist? not his...but a therapist. she used to always tell him..."family first"...meaning...we can have a relationship but i dont want to ruin your family. well, it is ruined you know? it is all ugly, you see? or how she rubbed it in my face that when we were separated when i found out...she was having conversations with his dad and his brother. it feels like a double betrayal. i have not spoken to his family since she told me that. can you imagine?

these ugly thought creeps into my head. sometimes i talk to him about how i feel...but what is the point...we have been talking about it it seems like forever. no matter how good a talk we have...i feel good for about 30 minutes...and hopeful...but i still feel bad later in the day.

i dont want to lose my family. we are a family of 5 now. we have a nice home, my family is very much supportive of our reconciliation. his not so much, but they are not around. they blame me for everything.

i am 42 now. and i dont want to start over. i have 3 beautiful little kids under 4...and i dont want to raise them alone..and he is a great it is all "now" you know. he has been a monster.

i guess i am having a bad day again...and didnt want to talk to my ic, my mom, my bestfriend, my h, or anyone...they have been there for me 24/7...and i think they want me to "let it go" and be happy now.

anybody ever feel this way?

LA44 posted 8/7/2014 21:11 PM

Hello sri624, I am sorry you are feeling so badly. I too think about the A every day. I am not suffering bc of it anymore. I laugh every day. I work out. I have some good friends. No longer have my best friend as she cannot accept that I chose R but I still have friends. I know I am a good person and I know my H is a good man who made some terrible the past. This makes me sad but my H is doing the work. I see that and it is helping. I am determined not to get lost in the sad mess of the A. I am determined - and have been for some time - to make some good things from this. To work on making our R better every day.

I do understand not wanting to make yourself vulnerable to him by sharing your thoughts and feelings - but I urge you to try. Just little bits at a time. If not now, when? If he is doing the work and you see that, then opening up (even just a little) will help build some much-needed bridges.

I am wondering what your IC is saying to you at this point about your healing? Do you get homework? If you see your IC every week, what is your goal each week? Each month? I am even wondering if perhaps cutting back to twice/month would be good for you at this point.

As for this AP - of course she was going to say things to make you feel worse. She is not in your corner. Let this lame-o go. She is not worth the space in your head.

Hope you get some rest tonight and feel better tomorrow.

Jrazz posted 8/7/2014 23:00 PM

i guess i am having a bad day again...and didnt want to talk to my ic, my mom, my bestfriend, my h, or anyone...they have been there for me 24/7...and i think they want me to "let it go" and be happy now.

Have they said that they want you to let it go, or are you worried that you're being a "burden?" I ask because I started to withdraw from my support IRL at around 2 years as well for the same reasons. Actually, my IC was leaning towards me leaving the marriage and I wasn't ready for that so I ended up parting ways with her.

As a member, the applicability of SI has come in waves for me, and is always there for me when I feel like the world doesn't get it.

We get it, we get you. It sucks to feel like you're struggling in quicksand and there are different branches to grab onto to pull yourself out but you don't know which one is going to snap and which one is going to hold.

On the hardest, most confusing days, it's so important to take care of yourself. That means little or big things, depending on what your immediate needs are. Exercise, reading, going somewhere pretty and quiet... all these things build us up when the enormity of what we have been through starts to chip at our security.


morethantrying posted 8/8/2014 04:50 AM

I am almost 19 months out now and I understand your feelings. I too think about it every day, many times a day. I try all kinds of "tricks" to help me help me like I picture a giant acquarium fish tank and all those fish swimming around in the tank are really all my thoughts and business and feelings going on in my brain. So I am sitting on a couch in front of that tank watching my "thoughts" go around...I realize my thoughts and feelings are within my control (in some sense) and I can CHOOSE what I want to see, and think and thus feel to a great extent. Sometimes hurtful, painful thoughts come into my tank but my friend the SHARK eats them for me and then he turns back into my friend the dolphin. This visualization helps a bit.

I love my husband too. He made a mistake a BIG MISTAKE, but he is human, and a good person (I write this for you as much for me - struggling today here too!).

I loved something my therapist said (whom I only see on a "needs" basis) and when I asked her WHY he did this she simply said: He was stupid. I love this simple answer and it gets me over and out when I start thinking again about the "whys" and start feeling angry all over again...ahhhh.

She also said something about trust that helped. She said that the funny thing about trust is that there is no in between. Either you trust or you don't. I was having great trouble with this and it kept me paranoid (when logical, rational thoughts knew better) and in unnecessary anxiety, fear and pain. So now I just focus on trust when I feel anxiety and remind myself that I am CHOOSING to trust again...yes I COULD get kicked in the teeth, but I may not either, in fact it is now MORE LIKELY that I WILL NOT. So I just remind myself I am choosing to trust. This give me some sense of control over myself and what might happen to me. That is actually a GOOD feeling.

I too am finding it sometimes hard to just go on...but I cannot think what else I would want. If I think of the here and now, it is good. If I think of the past, I feel pain and hurt, but I also understand now...I have lots of raw feelings, I have to admit. Accepting the past, for what it was IS hard. And it seems that I am still grieving. Quite a bit. Well, then I think of all the people here, and the ones not here but suffering other things in their relationships...drug, or alcohol, or abuse or just fighting all the time...and I think that some of the past sucked, but it is a source of strenght on which we will CONTINUE to build our marriage...bujilding a marriage is life is never "done" becasue we are never done, changing and growing and learning lessons of life. Sometimes we have to be witness to the lessons others are learning and we get hurt. But though I have never hurt him in this way, I guess I have careslessly hurt him I am only human too and I hope he can forgive me..and I know he does.

My prayer and hope for me, you and all here, is that we can truly look at this person who failed and feel compassion and rejoice in the man/woman who is making true and sincere efforts now...I will rejoice in the person before me, not the one who was so lost in the past.

Yes, he will still bug me with little annoyances, but the real person, is a decent human being and I will keep reminding myself of that.

I struggle like you. Almost everyday. I wonder when the grieving will end. But it is so much better than day 1 and we have really become closer. I am getting stronger..though I never asked for the "opportunity" to grow, I will take and and do my best. I wish I could be strong everyday, but I do break down. I say I am having a trigger can you hug me? He does and then usually says some words that point to our future together....the present and the future we CAN do something about...but the past we cannot...sigh,....this IS hard to accept. But I have no choice...still not completely there yet. I feel jealous of those who seem to get through it faster.

Hang in there. Love from another who KNOWS what it is like.

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