I am almost 19 months out now and I understand your feelings. I too think about it every day, many times a day. I try all kinds of "tricks" to help me help me like I picture a giant acquarium fish tank and all those fish swimming around in the tank are really all my thoughts and business and feelings going on in my brain. So I am sitting on a couch in front of that tank watching my "thoughts" go around...I realize my thoughts and feelings are within my control (in some sense) and I can CHOOSE what I want to see, and think and thus feel to a great extent. Sometimes hurtful, painful thoughts come into my tank but my friend the SHARK eats them for me and then he turns back into my friend the dolphin. This visualization helps a bit.
I love my husband too. He made a mistake a BIG MISTAKE, but he is human, and a good person (I write this for you as much for me - struggling today here too!).
I loved something my therapist said (whom I only see on a "needs" basis) and when I asked her WHY he did this she simply said: He was stupid. I love this simple answer and it gets me over and out when I start thinking again about the "whys" and start feeling angry all over again...ahhhh.
She also said something about trust that helped. She said that the funny thing about trust is that there is no in between. Either you trust or you don't. I was having great trouble with this and it kept me paranoid (when logical, rational thoughts knew better) and in unnecessary anxiety, fear and pain. So now I just focus on trust when I feel anxiety and remind myself that I am CHOOSING to trust again...yes I COULD get kicked in the teeth, but I may not either, in fact it is now MORE LIKELY that I WILL NOT. So I just remind myself I am choosing to trust. This give me some sense of control over myself and what might happen to me. That is actually a GOOD feeling.
I too am finding it sometimes hard to just go on...but I cannot think what else I would want. If I think of the here and now, it is good. If I think of the past, I feel pain and hurt, but I also understand now...I have lots of raw feelings, I have to admit. Accepting the past, for what it was IS hard. And it seems that I am still grieving. Quite a bit. Well, then I think of all the people here, and the ones not here but suffering other things in their relationships...drug, or alcohol, or abuse or just fighting all the time...and I think that some of the past sucked, but it is a source of strenght on which we will CONTINUE to build our marriage...bujilding a marriage is life long...it is never "done" becasue we are never done, changing and growing and learning lessons of life. Sometimes we have to be witness to the lessons others are learning and we get hurt. But though I have never hurt him in this way, I guess I have careslessly hurt him nonetheless...as I am only human too and I hope he can forgive me..and I know he does.
My prayer and hope for me, you and all here, is that we can truly look at this person who failed and feel compassion and rejoice in the man/woman who is making true and sincere efforts now...I will rejoice in the person before me, not the one who was so lost in the past.
Yes, he will still bug me with little annoyances, but the real person, is a decent human being and I will keep reminding myself of that.
I struggle like you. Almost everyday. I wonder when the grieving will end. But it is so much better than day 1 and we have really become closer. I am getting stronger..though I never asked for the "opportunity" to grow, I will take and and do my best. I wish I could be strong everyday, but I do break down. I say I am having a trigger can you hug me? He does and then usually says some words that point to our future together....the present and the future we CAN do something about...but the past we cannot...sigh,....this IS hard to accept. But I have no choice...still not completely there yet. I feel jealous of those who seem to get through it faster.
Hang in there. Love from another who KNOWS what it is like.