SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

I would like to know more about others' experiences in therapy. Ours is free through my WH's work. While I think the counselor has done wonders for my H in his IC, I don't feel such progress in my IC nor too much in our MC. I am a very linear person and want checklists or steps or homework. Something concrete to show me what to do or what we should at least be trying to do. Instead, we spend an hour talking about "what's going on" and only once in a great while do I feel like it was worth my time. It feels so directionless and random. I understand that there is no step 1-10 to a happy ending, but I feel like we haven't been given much actual guidance.

Have you told him/her this. Make sure you are getting what you need or look for/ask for someone else. The first few times he/she may just be getting history and figuring out what direction you want to go. It seems like mine sometimes just lets me talk. It helps me because sometimes I will have my own revelation by just hearing myself say something out loud. Most of all be patient because nobody can fix us or make us feel better but yourself.I also read a lot and do my own home work with WW. There are a million books. One of the biggest things for us has been nightly reading for couples. It has brought about a lot of honest discussions. Good Luck

I like Gimme's suggestion: let the counselor know what you're thinking, that you'd like more direction, more hand-holding right now - at least until you are able to be more self-directing.

And until then, maybe something that has been helpful to me might work with you. When I go in, I try to have something specific, one idea or topic that I would like to expand on with her help. Something concrete that has come to mind a few times as a result of previous work or what's happening in the relationship. Often it is primarily me talking, but sometimes she'll have an observation that is comforting or leads me to think of things in a different way.

And supporting Gimme again - have patience. Be gentle with yourself and the process. It's hard to wait for therapeutic "magic" to work, particularly on yourself, but you'll know with time whether you're experiencing the changes you want to see or if you need to think about a different therapist.

Take good care.

Our first counselor was good for my IC, but sucked at MC (she spent most of the hour talking about herself).

I like the counselor we have now, but sometimes it seems like I have to tell him things. Such as:

My WH's IC is supposed to be about HIM, not US.

How "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" was a good resource for the WS.

We are in our "second round" with this counselor. I quit going when I discovered WH was in false R - he fooled the counselor too.

Waiting to see what develops.

We are still both in IC and have not started MC, but I feel that we are both moving in a very positive direction. WH's IC first wanted to target an addiction based reasoning for WH's actions, but with us talking at home he told his IC that he did not feel that is what it is. (After researching ourselves, he does not fit the "addict" profile). Now they are focusing on his FOO issues and WH is starting to put the pieces together. It's nice to see a relief come over him as he is getting his own "why's" answered. Sometimes I think you have to help lead your IC to your issue, then they can help you break it down.

In my own IC, I knew my issues were FOO so I knew right where to start and she is has been great. She does give me homework, mainly things to boost my self esteem and even that of my WH. Just being able to say things out loud to someone that will not judge me or have a relationship with me outside of that office is a great help. I think I am letting go of lots of my FOO issues by saying them out loud. Its like a release.

I would say if you do not feel your IC is beneficial look for another one. WH had to and now that he has found his main issues his IC has been a great help.