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mom2my4kiddos posted 8/8/2014 06:20 AM

So dh and I decide last weekend to Reconcile. Sunday was a great day, but then several evenings this week we've argued. Well not really argued, but had discussions that were less than positive IMHO. He's still all over the map, emotionally and doesn't want to see a counselor because he feels like everyone is sayng something is wrong with him if he does. This week that was supposed to be about us moving forward has somehow become more about things I did in the past to make him feel like an outsider and jealousy That HE has over a guy that I had ONE conversation with after dh told me he had no interest in me anymore. Of course,he says he didn't mean that and he's sorry, which I'm trying to accept,but then he's been holding on to stuff that I don't even remember for years! The other night he said. That he just didn't know if can get past all this and make this marriage work,but I'm starting to feel like he isn't even trying : (

rachelc posted 8/8/2014 06:25 AM

he feels like everyone is sayng something is wrong with him if he does.

he had an affair. There IS something wrong with him. Staring this fact in the face is paramount for the wayward in recovery. Would he read?

tl502 posted 8/8/2014 06:48 AM

A remorseful spouse is an absolute necessity for R. He doesn't sound remorseful.
Regardless of the state of your m before the a, regardless of whatever problems you might have had back then, you both will have to deal with the a and the fallout from that first. He's going to want to deal with old business first because the a was totally, 100% his fault, and he won't want the loss of power that comes with fixing himself that comes with it.
Your ws is trying to blameshift you. Get into ic yourself. There's probably not much use in mc with his current frame of mind. Ic was an absolute must in our situation. My h was at his ic 3 days after dd. There's nothing wrong with getting ic especially if you are trying to save your family.
Attempting R is a gift that the bs gives the ws. Infidelity is not an acceptable behavior in any situation. He should be thanking you every day for giving him the chance to prove himself worthy.
And by the way, there is something wrong with someone who cheats on his spouse, he needs to find out what it is and fix it.

2married2quit posted 8/8/2014 09:27 AM

Well you can have IC as a requirement for R.

Also, you have to keep the discussions in order and put things in the right perspective. Sure, there were issues in your matrimony prior to the affair that could have been contributing factors. That part is fine. However, he can NOT blame you for the affair because that was a choice HE made, not you.

My FWW would talk about thinks and try to keep it in the right order. There's lots we can talk about as to life prior to A. Then there's the A itself and then life after the A. There's also lots of talks about FOO and her own personal issues that could have been contributing factors.

ScarlettA1 posted 8/8/2014 12:04 PM

Hang in there. The first few months are so rocky and raw. He may not be able to sit with all the emotions yet. IC can really help that. If he wants to put his marriage back together the right way counseling is going to help give him the help to do that. I wish you the best.