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User Topic: Financial restitution?
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ 44302
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The book, "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" suggests making financial restitution for spending money on the affair?

How would WH go about that?


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC for "unromantic in

Posts: 757 | Registered: Jul 2014
craig2001
♂ 55
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 8:45 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never read the book but I can guess it could mean something like, if the WS spent $300 on the affair, then the WS gives you $300.

Or you could times it by 3 for punitive damages and make it $900.

Or, money the WS spent on the affair and the costs of the affair is what the WS pays the BS.

If the affair caused you to lose 1 week worth of pay, then that gets figured in. If the BS paid $1000 for a PI or a VAR, etc, then the WS pays that amount to the BS.

What did the affair cost in actual dollars, but emotional damages, but what dollar amount was lost because of the affair.


Posts: 4409 | Registered: Jun 2002
Furious1
♀ 42970
Member # 42970
Default  Posted: 9:14 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I expect my WH to repay me for money that he stole from our marriage as well as money that he stole from me personally. I expected that money plus compounded interest placed in a savings account in my name only on it. For me, that money is for me and me only. That means, I expect restitution for all gas spent to see or incidentally see any and all of the other women along with millage for wear and tear on our tires and vehicle along with prorated reimbursement for insurance.

I expect reimbursement for any and all calls/contact to any of the other women including long distance, calling cards, and cell phones including internet fees. I expect reimbursement for all money spent on meals, shopping trips, gifts, clothes, entertainment, hobbies, vehicle payments, loans, rent, utilites, etc. This includes the 2 carat diamond engagement ring that he bought OW#1 with money he stole out of one of my premarital savings accounts. All of this money is placed in a separate savings account in my name only which he can not touch except to make deposits.

This is no different from what I would ask for if we were to divorce. I refuse to be punished financially for trying to reconcile. In addition to this, I demanded a "divorce fund" so that money is set aside to pay for a divorce if and when I see fit. I truly don't care if he has to get a second or third job do repay me either. I struggled for 18 years to pay all of the bills without him contributing a single dime because all of his money went to his A's, OW, and OC. No more.


BW (me): 41 WH (him): 49
Married 19 years. SD: 26 from his 1st. M. DS: 21 from 1st M. DD: 17 (autistic)
D-day: 10/4/13 with ongoing TT (last TT was 10/2/14).
2 OC with 2 different OW. 7 year EA followed by 8 year PA with my sister.

Posts: 389 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Crushed15Feb13
♂ 38846
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All the money in the world, and I do not exaggerate, would not heal me or make me feel better about what my wife has done.


Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 32 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 6 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 267 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Colorado
Herkemeyer
♂ 36910
Member # 36910
Default  Posted: 10:42 AM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I guess you could say the
gas in the car
Car payment
1/2 the mortgage (since you were putting a nice safe roof over her head)
Groceries
Time away from work (including sick or vacation time because you couldn't think straight enough to put socks on)

and just multiply it by the number of texts or emails she sent the assclown. (in my case that would be a little over 11,000)

ETA: Cell phone bills

[This message edited by Herkemeyer at 10:43 AM, August 8th (Friday)]


BH-43
(F?)WW-39 (neznayou)
DDay-08/10/12 TT for 18 Months (I think)
Married 19 years

Posts: 144 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Colorado
ScarlettA1
♀ 43533
Member # 43533
Default  Posted: 12:13 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think "Crushed" is right. I think there are some spouses who used money that was really needed in the marriage and stole from accounts that were retirement or savings to hide the affair. I think at some point in the reconciliation it would be something both partners could decide together. I also think if the betrayed spouse feels strongly about it, the wayward spouse should do everything to make amends.


Be Wise, Be Kind, Be True

WW 47(me)
BH 49
dday 3/19/14
11 mo EA/PA


Posts: 51 | Registered: May 2014 | From: United States
seethelight
♀ 43513
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 12:17 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A
ll the money in the world, and I do not exaggerate, would not heal me or make me feel better about what my wife has done.

I agree.

The massive amounts of money he spent on the married OW, really angers me, but paying it back would not heal me.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
whattheh
♀ 40032
Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 12:19 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I asked for $1000 for each item OW intentionally left in my house for me to find without my fWH knowledge. Made $6000 which I now plan to use for a romantic vacation for us.


BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 606 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
DrJekyll
♂ 43618
Member # 43618
Default  Posted: 1:06 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMHO as a WS. the monetary restitutions are made from working extra, and selling my things. Not from the joint accounts. that would be like the BS paying themself restitution.


I am no longer Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde. I am me, and they are both part of me.

"If you don't eat the elephant in one bite, it might trample you while chewing"

ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)

I do not PM with Women


Posts: 887 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: Midwest
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ 44302
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 1:29 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks all.

I'm not sure "paying me back" would help me feel better. After all, he'd either have to pay me with our money or spend time away to work extra hours. It's not the money I want back-- it's the fact that he tossed out financial security aside for her! It's the fact that we could have saved for our own vacation!

There was cash hidden in the house the we are putting toward a get away for ourselves.

I don't believe he realized how much money he was really spending. He was getting gas for the car every couple days so he could get cash back. Buying gift cards so I couldn't trace purchases. Taking out tiny ATM amts regularly. Buying her plane tickets, gifts, paying for lodging. Even took her flying in a little plane to see the autumn foliage.

What I really want restitution for is 4 years of lost love and time and 4 years of lies.

Anywho, I saw this in the book and wondered how it'd work in real life.


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC for "unromantic in

Posts: 757 | Registered: Jul 2014
Wodnships
42750
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 2:51 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand how this pay back thing works. The money is all marital funds anyway. It's communal property in every state in the US. So, how is the spouse paying you back? Isn't it more like paying yourself back? I guess I don't get the logistics.

All the money in the world, and I do not exaggerate, would not heal me or make me feel better about what my wife has done.

^^^and this. 1000X This.

[This message edited by Wodnships at 2:58 PM, August 8th (Friday)]


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 576 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Forged1
♂ 43418
Member # 43418
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All the money in the world, and I do not exaggerate, would not heal me or make me feel better about what my wife has done.

Quoted for truth.


Me: BH
Her: Almost XW

Almost done with D
==================================
At this stage, I'm pretty much bulletproof.


Posts: 354 | Registered: May 2014 | From: USA
wk55hn
♂ 44159
Member # 44159
Default  Posted: 3:22 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have seen this mentioned a few times, I can't remember where.

What I remember reading is that the idea is partly symbolic and involves sacrifice on the part of the cheater to show his/her spouse that he/she wants to make amends and give back what was selfishly taken at the expense of their spouse.

This could be done, for example, by the cheater selling his or her luxury car and replacing it with a compact car. Brown bagging lunch instead of going out to eat. Selling off any gifts received from the affair partner. Getting a second job.

The gesture is as important or maybe even more important than the money. It is another way for the cheater to have a consequence for those who feel the cheater got off with too few consequences.

It's not for everybody, and probably isn't for most (it wasn't for me), but if the cheater wants to reconcile and it helps convince the betrayed spouse the cheater is sincere and wants to make amends, why not?

[This message edited by wk55hn at 3:23 PM, August 8th (Friday)]


Posts: 632 | Registered: Jul 2014
seethelight
♀ 43513
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't understand how this pay back thing works. The money is all marital funds anyway. It's communal property in every state in the US. So, how is the spouse paying you back? Isn't it more like paying yourself back?


That's the way I feel. My wayward was wasting marital assets on the OW, but giving me money from the marital assets is just silly.

One MC we saw, on the very first day after hearing our story, suggested that my Wayward, take me on a World tour.

Huh, like that was going to piece together my shattered heart and trust and self esteem.

what a clod, IMO.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
scaredyKat
♀ 25560
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 8:09 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were teachers, not getting rich, but doing okay. I was very frugal, no cable TV, brown bag lunch for me, the kids, no cleaning help, no extra purchases, cut our own hair, shopped only on clearance rack. You get the picture. All this while he was skimming money from his paycheck to pay for his trips to strip clubs. I have no way to know how long this went on and he is foggy on the dates. He inherited some money in about 2004 which I never looked at, it was his, not my business. Bad idea. His strip club use ballooned.
After the final d-day, I insisted that the inheritance money be put in a JOINT account. Not only would it pay me back for some of the everyday sacrifices I made while he was off getting his jollies, I would also be able to see where the money went. He resisted HARD at first, but then, once real recovery began, saw it from my POV.
It, of course, never pays you back for the lost years, for the pain, the humiliation.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3855 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Hurtbuthopeful35
♀ 44302
Member # 44302
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ScaredyKat:

A joint account makes perfect sense. I think this is the sort of "restitution" we will have; a change in behaviors/expectations.

My husband is to no longer take cash back on purchases and I will watch our account for reasonable gas purchases. I noticed the frequent gas station bills but he explained them away. I've asked him to use only the debit card so we can track purchases.

Also, we used to have personal "allowances." We should do that again bc he was taking out random ATM withdrawals for the affair. It also helps us budget.

Lastly, he has whined the last few years that he doesn't get how people ever go on vacation bc it's so hard to save. Well, buddy, you took a mini vacation every 6 months at nearly 1000$ a pop for 4 years! So, I'm pretty sure he can use his squandering skills for a better cause. Time to start a vacation fund for ourselves.


Me: BW 36
Him: WH 44
DS: age 11
Dday 1 10/2010: Sexual OA (Internet, exgf)
Dday 2 6/22/2014: Sexual OA/EA w same exgf since 10/2010
DDay 3 6/23/2014: actually PA w/ same OW beginning 5/2011
8/23/2014 attempted to break NC for "unromantic in

Posts: 757 | Registered: Jul 2014
ReconcilingWife
♀ 44420
Member # 44420
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There wasn't a lot of money involved in my case--although he was getting cash out of the ATM to pay for drinks and so on when he was with her so that I wouldn't spot anything on the credit card. (I don't scrutinize ATM withdrawals as closely, because we usually put everything on the joint credit card to get points, and so cash is just for little things like milk from corner store, parking meters, etc.)

But I have to say, I feel really resentful about the financial burden of counselling. In our case, the counsellors agree this was all about a "traumatic" (their term) childhood, and not problems in the marriage. Yet here I am in counselling, and the two of us in MC. So far the bill for that is well into the 4 digits.

But for me, there's no point in restitution--all I ever want to do with any extra money that comes my way is throw it at the mortgage!


Me: BS, 41
Him: WS, 47
DD: May 30, 2014 (2 month affair)

Married 13 years
2 children

Trying to reconcile


Posts: 338 | Registered: Aug 2014
seethelight
♀ 43513
Member # 43513
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were teachers, not getting rich, but doing okay. I was very frugal, no cable TV, brown bag lunch for me, the kids, no cleaning help, no extra purchases, cut our own hair, shopped only on clearance rack. You get the picture. All this while he was skimming money from his paycheck to pay

Scaredy Kat:

I am raising my hand here. I was the same type of wife.

I am now no longer frugal. He was spending the money I was saving on the serial cheater OW.

She already had a husband who hired a maid for her and by her own admission she never cooked. She and the children ate out daily. She also had a nanny.

So, that is doubly insulting to have my savings spent on a women that was not only a serial cheater but a pampered by her own spouse, while my spouse neglected me, comparitively and also pampered the OW.

Reconciling wife.

I am also resentful about the cost of MC and IC for both of us.

Also, we had to sell our house and move because the OW lived in the neighborhood.


ďIf two people truly have feelings for one another then they donít have an affair. They get a divorce and they sort out their feelings. You are accountable for the people you hold hostage in a marriage when your mind and heart refuse to fully commit

Posts: 1516 | Registered: May 2014
ReconcilingWife
♀ 44420
Member # 44420
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Seethelight and ScaredyKat: Add me to the frugal category. While it was not a lot of money that went to her, it does bug me that I was saving ten dollars here, ten dollars there, and he was out drinking it away with her.


Me: BS, 41
Him: WS, 47
DD: May 30, 2014 (2 month affair)

Married 13 years
2 children

Trying to reconcile


Posts: 338 | Registered: Aug 2014
Sparkywater
♀ 41932
Member # 41932
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I went red when I came to realize about the financial aspect of the affair. Especially since fWH was still looking for a job after completing his degree oh ...6 months earlier and hadn't worked in over 2 years due to that degree. Meanwhile, I was in a war zone deployed. I got nasty and referred to it as "blood money" everytime we fought about it.

As for restitiution; some items were exact replacements. When he got his job; he pulled out the list and things like steak dinner...he bought the exact same cut of steaks and he had to make them. Going to a local dirt track; he paid for a day trip for us as a family to go-carts and mini golf. So while he 'paid' us back, he did it by making new memories and rewrite bad ones.

Still waiting on a fishing trip at sea, but now he DOES have a job and works 6 days a week.

But what a world of difference on his mental state.


BW(me)44 / WH 36
DS (13)
Married 15 years
Affair 2 month EA/ 1 week PA
DDay 7/18/12
In R since Aug12; true R for him Oct13.

Posts: 15 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Virginia
Topic Posts: 20

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