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Confirmation of NC letter

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Hannah25 posted 8/8/2014 09:18 AM

When an NC letter is sent, how do we know that it was really received? My WBF sent his NC letter via email. Regular mail was too complicated, because the OW lives in Brazil. I'm worried, because the email address that he sent it to was one that I've never seen. I know of four email adresses for the OW, and this didn't match any of them. He says that she got a new email address after breaking up with her last boyfriend, because he was harrassing her.

She hasn't replied to the email, but that's the point of NC, right? She also might be mad. She didn't know about me. How can I be sure that he really sent it somewhere that she will see it?

wk55hn posted 8/8/2014 10:32 AM

Unless she responds, or her husband responds, there will be no way to tell she received it. You could try calling her husband directly to see if she got it, or calling her directly.

I'm not a big believer in the effectiveness of the NC letter for actually stopping contact, but I think it does have some value. NC letter won't stop contact. To me its value is in gauging the cheater's willingness to send it. A lot of cheaters push back against sending it. Asking them to send it is one more way to gauge whether they are willing to what is necessary to help you get over it.

If cheaters want to continue contact, if they really want to hide it, there are too many ways for them to do it for you to catch it. They can do it on a burner phone, on phone apps that can be deleted and re-installed without a trace, from work, using a friends' computer or phone - cheaters are usually pretty good at figuring out how to do this, they usually are one step ahead of the betrayed spouses trying to police them. That has been my observation, anyway.

Trust your gut and pay attention to how he acts. You were in the dark before, now you probably can recognize some signs, some changes in his normal personality and behavior when he was in the affair. If you see that again, you can start your sleuthing.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/8/2014 11:08 AM

Hannah, NC letters don't mean much unless the one sending them actually intends to honestly cut all contact.

Otherwise, it's just a dog and pony show designed to give you a false sense of peace and to shut you up.

I find it highly peculiar that this girl has FOUR working email addresses yet he sends it to a 5th 'super secret' email account?????? If she's got 4 established accounts, then she's obviously using them whether her 'ex boyfriend' knows about them or not.

I think if your boyfriend were SERIOUS about cutting things off with Miss Brazil, he would have sent his phoney message to all 5 accounts, wouldn't you think?

Hannah25 posted 8/8/2014 14:46 PM

Thanks everyone. You're right that an NC letter won't necessarily stop all contact. He was willing to send it, which is a plus, but if he sent it to an email address that isn't real, then it doesn't mean much.

After I asked him about the address that he sent it to, he offered to send it to any or all of the email addresses that I'd like. The one that I'm the most confident in is her work email, obviously, but that seems kind of inappropriate.

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