We are 14 months post DDay and working on R with FWH. Some days are good and others are very bad. I still have triggers of varying levels and we are trying hard to move forward. My H tries to be supportive, transparent, understanding, open and loving. He accepts his actions and has been working on understanding and making changes "to make himself better for me."
My problem is that even though I understand his why's and the the physiological process I have been going through I am having trouble with the lack of emotional feeling I exhibit at times. Being truly intimate mentally is not present most of the time. I just feel so empty inside!
I know H loves me and we both want and work very hard to R, but I don't know where these lack of feelings are coming from. Are they just because of poor communication issues? Am I having trouble understanding some of his coping behaviors, or are the behaviors a clear indication of his subconscious thoughts?
Let me try to explain. When my H asked for a second chance, he told me he would do anything to make amends for his actions. He has on many levels try to show his feelings for me. However over the months and because of many discussions between us, he has become inconsistent in his pursuit. Not with the affection he offers, but with those things that I have told him I need to feel loved. His attempts are all over the place leaving us both very confused.
Secondly discussions at times can be very stressful for both of us and my H tends to shut down or more exact fall asleep, almost trance like. I feel that a critical component that allows people to stay in a relationship for the long haul is their ability to show up with an open heart even under pain and stress, so when H checks out I am left wondering is this because he is not willing to face challenges with me and will constantly run away or pretend the problem isn't happening. He says he has no memory of falling asleep when it happens. I must say that this doesn't happen every time, but enough to make me wonder. It also plays on my need to be valued. It is hard to feel valued when your spouse falls asleep when you are talking.
I feel that in order to communicate openly and courageously and grow deeper in commitment I need to feel confident that he listens to me. My H's default response to my requests is acting defensive rather than curious. His attitude at times when I express concerns or bring up a problem is getting defensive or acting hurt which causes me to shut down before I can even finish my thoughts. I know that at times I have been very critical about his responses but within the last several months make sure that does not happen and have let him know that I was out of line and not in control at the time. I know my H is insecure about our relationship's outcome and that everyone gets defensive at times but I also know that can easily destroy the relationship. I am so frustrated!
I really need everyone thoughts here. I know that no one is perfect and my H is really an awesome guy, but I am afraid that some of these red flags can be corrosive to our R. What am I dealing with here... My mixed up emotions, or possible issues which need to be addressed?