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CATransplant posted 8/8/2014 09:42 AM

We are 14 months post DDay and working on R with FWH. Some days are good and others are very bad. I still have triggers of varying levels and we are trying hard to move forward. My H tries to be supportive, transparent, understanding, open and loving. He accepts his actions and has been working on understanding and making changes "to make himself better for me."

My problem is that even though I understand his why's and the the physiological process I have been going through I am having trouble with the lack of emotional feeling I exhibit at times. Being truly intimate mentally is not present most of the time. I just feel so empty inside!

I know H loves me and we both want and work very hard to R, but I don't know where these lack of feelings are coming from. Are they just because of poor communication issues? Am I having trouble understanding some of his coping behaviors, or are the behaviors a clear indication of his subconscious thoughts?

Let me try to explain. When my H asked for a second chance, he told me he would do anything to make amends for his actions. He has on many levels try to show his feelings for me. However over the months and because of many discussions between us, he has become inconsistent in his pursuit. Not with the affection he offers, but with those things that I have told him I need to feel loved. His attempts are all over the place leaving us both very confused.

Secondly discussions at times can be very stressful for both of us and my H tends to shut down or more exact fall asleep, almost trance like. I feel that a critical component that allows people to stay in a relationship for the long haul is their ability to show up with an open heart even under pain and stress, so when H checks out I am left wondering is this because he is not willing to face challenges with me and will constantly run away or pretend the problem isn't happening. He says he has no memory of falling asleep when it happens. I must say that this doesn't happen every time, but enough to make me wonder. It also plays on my need to be valued. It is hard to feel valued when your spouse falls asleep when you are talking.

I feel that in order to communicate openly and courageously and grow deeper in commitment I need to feel confident that he listens to me. My H's default response to my requests is acting defensive rather than curious. His attitude at times when I express concerns or bring up a problem is getting defensive or acting hurt which causes me to shut down before I can even finish my thoughts. I know that at times I have been very critical about his responses but within the last several months make sure that does not happen and have let him know that I was out of line and not in control at the time. I know my H is insecure about our relationship's outcome and that everyone gets defensive at times but I also know that can easily destroy the relationship. I am so frustrated!

I really need everyone thoughts here. I know that no one is perfect and my H is really an awesome guy, but I am afraid that some of these red flags can be corrosive to our R. What am I dealing with here... My mixed up emotions, or possible issues which need to be addressed?

OkNotOk posted 8/8/2014 09:53 AM

he really falls asleep? That's not good.

Also the defensiveness, I found that to pop up when ever my WH was still lying to me.

Are you in MC and IC?

lovedmesomehim posted 8/8/2014 10:29 AM

My husband was a classic, compartmentalizer. He had all of these neat and tidy components in his life. A plethora of secrets.

Yes, he did feign sleep during the initial conversations following horrendous D Days. It was his way of escaping the aftermath.

I hear you. It's time to make him hear you. I also recommend IC for you both. It helped us.


ScarlettA1 posted 8/8/2014 13:06 PM

I don't know if you're in MC but I know that all of these things are what we discuss there. The book 'Hold me Tight" is really helpful too.
We try and set aside good times to talk when we are not tired after work and the kids are elsewhere.

DrJekyll posted 8/8/2014 13:16 PM

WS here

I have had a tendancy to withdraw during hurtful conversations. My BS told me point blank. "I will not accept this anymore. Period. If you want to R you will find a way to not withdraw." I will tell you, that surely lit a fire under my ass. I still have times. But generally I fight through it, or she will give me a gentle (sometimes not so gentle) reminder. And then I can snap out of it. Maybe your WH just needs the right "motivation"

ncharge posted 8/8/2014 13:23 PM

The sleep thing may not be as bad as you think. I react to stress and depression that way. Too much stress and I can't keep my eyes open. This is compounded if I am not sleeping well. I think it is how my body helps be deal with excessive stress loads. And has he been checked for sleep apnea? This situation was much worse before I was diagnosed and received the sleeping mask. I can usually handle much more stress before falling asleep now.

bionicgal posted 8/8/2014 13:48 PM

feel that a critical component that allows people to stay in a relationship for the long haul is their ability to show up with an open heart even under pain and stress, so when H checks out I am left wondering is this because he is not willing to face

This is a great ideal and something to strive for, but IMO shouldn't be a litmus test.

My dday is close to yours, and I have a similar numbing, particularly towards my husband, and when he tries to show me verbal affection. I hear it, but almost can't process/believe it. But, I do think back on what he says, and usually later I can feel it. think it is normal...

Also, my husband can fall asleep at the most inappropriate times, if he is horizontal and he is fatigued. Middle of big argument? Yep. Me crying? Yep. I can make him stay up, but he is usually really irrational. So, most important stuff waits until morning. People are different, I have learned it has nothing to do with me or how he feels for me.

CATransplant posted 8/9/2014 12:19 PM

Thank you everyone for your responses. You have given me things to think about. My FWH read the responses as well and he feels that we do have things to talk about. Attitude is everything and right now we both are working on it.

Again thanks for helping us repair what has been awkwardly broken for awhile.

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