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Just Found Out :
Tell Spouse I've Filed for Divorce?

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 Adrienne (original poster member #44235) posted at 5:35 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014

Just curious as if any of you told your spouse that you filed for divorce or waited until they were served. My anger side says don't tell him but my wussy, wife side says tell him.

I need to tell my adult child too. I just want to do it before he knows so he doesn't feed her the lies. Any advice would be great.

He's still cheating on me. He just had a nice booty call session with his ho this morning. Told me he had to go to work early so that he could leave early. Was with her from 7-10 and then went into work. He told me one thing but his texts said another. I'm so sick of being lied two 10+ times a day. Barf. Who needs this?

Me: BW 45
Him: WS 46
DD: 21
Married 18 years, together 22.
DDay: June 18 2014
Divorced: May 2015

Got a divorce... aka, took out the trash! Happiest I've been in years!

posts: 75   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2014
id 6902652
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k94ever ( member #11176) posted at 5:42 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014

Tell your daughter today.

Don't say anything to your WS. Let the papers do the talking.

{{{hugs}}}

k9

BS:61
WS: 53
Betrayed: 24 years
Affairs: 15 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

posts: 7747   ·   registered: Jul. 3rd, 2006   ·   location: Wisconsin
id 6902663
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Schadenfreude ( member #43075) posted at 6:23 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014

My lawyer answer: it depends. If your initial filings contain court orders for support and/not withdrawing assets then get him served as soon as possible. That is because court orders are effective on service. In other words, if there is an order preventing WH for withdrawing money except for ordinary living expenses, he can legally do so until he is served with the order.

If this doesn't apply, the choice is yours. For shock and awe, don't tell him. If you know (not hope) the case will be amicable, then you can tell him that you have filed.

The best place to have the papers served is at work for shock and awe.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 12:36 PM, August 8th (Friday)]

posts: 892   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2014   ·   location: Midwest
id 6902727
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sparkysable ( member #3703) posted at 6:25 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014

Did he tell you that he was going to have an affair? No? Then he doesn't deserve to be warned.

I'm all for the shock and awe factor. I had XWH served at OW's house. Where he wasn't supposed to be, because, you know, I was overreacting and paranoid.

D-day OW#1 2/2004;D-day OW#2 5/2010
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.

posts: 5718   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2004   ·   location: NY
id 6902738
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Shockleader ( member #36827) posted at 6:32 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014

I did... I walked up to her and said:

"Here is a copy of what you will be served tomorrow"

and left. The shock/confusion on her face was priceless; so was the all too predictable anger, talking bad about me to my DD, etc. So glad she had a nice long night to dread the morning. Fuck her.

I'm so sick of being lied two 10+ times a day. Barf. Who needs this?

No one does... Only you can make it stop when you want to... Just do it, and start toward a much better life. I know it sounds cliché and hackneyed, but I'm living proof of it, even when at times I forget it. Best of luck, and get to work on that D

D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 53
Xcheater... Who cares.
One DD 25
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!

The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...

posts: 678   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2012
id 6902751
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doggiediva ( member #33806) posted at 6:34 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014

Not to thread jack, but if I were the person to initiate the filing for a D (filed first) does whatever I want or request in a divorce filing become the temp court orders?

I would think most of us want finances frozen..And some of us need some financial support or help in paying the monthly bills/utilities..

If it were me, I would let the papers do the talking, and have him served at work or somewhere where I don't have to be physically present..

And I would let grown kids know plans as soon as I know them..

Don't tie your happiness to the tail of somebody else's kite

63 years young..

posts: 4078   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2011   ·   location: Texas
id 6902757
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Schadenfreude ( member #43075) posted at 6:39 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014

Yes and no. Orders entered on filing without opposition even knowing that a case has been filed and without a contested court hearing are ex parte orders. The opposite party can ask the court to set them aside, modify them. Or live with them during the case. So yes, they can be temporary orders which govern during the case. As the case closes, you get final orders.

posts: 892   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2014   ·   location: Midwest
id 6902765
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BtraydWife ( member #42581) posted at 6:46 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014

I'll second or third it.

Tell your daughter now.

Let him find out when he's served.

I think it would be awesome if it was possible to have him served at his whore's house. Could you imagine?

It's really great that you are taking this step. He sounds nasty.

Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010

posts: 5437   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 6902775
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Time Ticks On ( member #33772) posted at 7:06 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014

I would tell your daughter today. Don't tell him anything. I would have him served at the OW's house personally.

FBW- 50
FWH-51
D-day- aug 16,2011
Married 25 years- together 27

What doesn't kill me, scars me.

posts: 2001   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2011   ·   location: Down South
id 6902807
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JustWow ( member #19636) posted at 7:30 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014

If your daughter is an adult or late teen, I would go ahead and tell her. If you are not concerned she will talk to your stbxh about it, you can tell an even younger child as well.

If you are concerned about your stbxh pulling financial shenanigans before he is served if he is forewarned, then try to tell your D at the eleventh hour, but before she hears it from him.

He has lost the privilege of you forewarning him as a wifely duty, he fired you from that job while he wallows in his A. You needn't worry about him anymore. He's his own problem.

BW - Reconciling

edited for typos (I always have to!)

posts: 3889   ·   registered: May. 22nd, 2008   ·   location: Midwest
id 6902859
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wk55hn ( member #44159) posted at 7:41 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014

I love the idea of serving him at work or the other woman's house, but if you have a child together who still is in college I probably wouldn't surprise him like that just because I wouldn't want him to go running to her with it. I also wouldn't ask his daughter to keep it secret from him. I would just tell him that that you've filed and he is going to be served in the next week or so.

posts: 4790   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2014
id 6902888
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steppingup ( member #42650) posted at 8:21 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014

Tell, because that is the right way to do it, with bold honest courage. The kind of treatment we (BSs) have always demanded. Good luck

posts: 1923   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: New York
id 6902934
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BtraydWife ( member #42581) posted at 10:36 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014

But the downside of telling was mentioned and this is someone who doesn't care what Adrienne feels.

He could take money out and he could make himself unavailable for the server.

She should continue to protect herself as much as possible and that means no advance warning of being served.

Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010

posts: 5437   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 6903133
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oldtimer97 ( member #2365) posted at 12:58 AM on Saturday, August 9th, 2014

Just wanted to jump in w/my suggestion per my divorce from my 1st husband..our divorce made War of the Roses a love story btw.

Telling older daughter okay..even better if process server agrees to notify you either right before service or asap after service because of your time sensitive needs (The best would be before so you are talking with daughter as it happens)

In most, if not all, US jurisdictions law enforcement agents (LE), like cops & sheriff's work @offduty rates for services such as this, state fairs, monster truck rallies, etc. hehe.

And yes, they come in uniform and that uniform makes a BIG impact..better than a civilian.

In my case, I had my husband served without notice at our workplace, which happened to be an Air Force Base (we were civilians). Little did I know it, but I got even more bang for the buck (and the sheriff's fee wasn't outrageous either). When outside LE has an issue with someone on the base, first the MP's must be involved. So it went like this: the MP's went to summon my ex in full view of however many 100's of workers that were in the aircraft hanger (the majority of whose work he supervised as QA), then escorted out (one on each side), then he was taken to the JAG (the legal office) given his service, and then escorted back. I died laughing when I heard.

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”
― Maya Angelou

To save a marriage, you must be willing to lose the marriage.

posts: 3420   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2003   ·   location: Sunny Arizona
id 6903262
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cantgetup ( member #36146) posted at 3:12 AM on Saturday, August 9th, 2014

"Tell because that is the right way to do it"

Did I read that right???

posts: 319   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2012
id 6903394
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oldtimer97 ( member #2365) posted at 3:23 AM on Saturday, August 9th, 2014

cantgetup

"Tell because that is the right way to do it"

Did I read that right???

I think you got it from another post? I did a quick word search on the page and didn't come up with that in any of the posts. It sounds tho, like it refers to telling the other BS?

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”
― Maya Angelou

To save a marriage, you must be willing to lose the marriage.

posts: 3420   ·   registered: Oct. 7th, 2003   ·   location: Sunny Arizona
id 6903402
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BtraydWife ( member #42581) posted at 3:33 AM on Saturday, August 9th, 2014

She's referring to the post 4 above yours.

Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010

posts: 5437   ·   registered: Feb. 25th, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 6903406
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somer222 ( member #21377) posted at 4:26 AM on Saturday, August 9th, 2014

You are one very strong lady! Good for you. You are handling this beautifully.

Given the ugly circumstances that he has created, you don't owe him any consideration. I would not give him a heads up that he is going to be served. That might give him an opportunity to play games with money. He is NOT to be trusted.

Another positive thing about letting this be a surprise for him is that he, too, can see what it feels like to have the rug yanked out from underneath him. Jerk!

Big hugs

posts: 1689   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2008
id 6903449
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Jls0320 ( member #41192) posted at 5:24 AM on Saturday, August 9th, 2014

I went back and forth on telling my husband, he was served yesterday at work and now I'm so glad I didn't tell him because yesterday morning I also discovered all his sexts to his whore. It was the perfect day for him to be served

Me: BS 2 young kiddos
Him: EXWH, SA/NPD, Craigslist, porn, cam sites. EA/PA with disgusting co-worker troll
Too many DDays 9/13-1/15, too many chances to be a good man
Together 16 yrs, married 7yrs,
Divorced 2/11/15
I deserve to be the ONLY one

posts: 1960   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2013
id 6903495
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HeBrokeVows ( member #43252) posted at 6:19 AM on Saturday, August 9th, 2014

My lawyer advised me not to in my situation. But every situation is different. Some of you may remember my story of my WH's financial secrets I was uncovering and I had to file to protect me and the kids.

However, it makes such sense when I heard others here say things like he never went over the status of our relationship with me when he decided to have his affair, I don't need to now.

Remember, as soon as you start this process, it's a business deal. My lawyer's motto is to stay in control and be one step ahead. When she feels the control dropping she takes action. So far, knock on wood, we've been in good standings. But again, we have a web of lies beyond the cheating we are uncovering!!

Good luck!

Dday March 11, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.
Divorced 2/2016

posts: 2543   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2014
id 6903537
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