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Tell Spouse I've Filed for Divorce?

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Adrienne posted 8/8/2014 11:35 AM

Just curious as if any of you told your spouse that you filed for divorce or waited until they were served. My anger side says don't tell him but my wussy, wife side says tell him.

I need to tell my adult child too. I just want to do it before he knows so he doesn't feed her the lies. Any advice would be great.

He's still cheating on me. He just had a nice booty call session with his ho this morning. Told me he had to go to work early so that he could leave early. Was with her from 7-10 and then went into work. He told me one thing but his texts said another. I'm so sick of being lied two 10+ times a day. Barf. Who needs this?

k94ever posted 8/8/2014 11:42 AM

Tell your daughter today.

Don't say anything to your WS. Let the papers do the talking.



Schadenfreude posted 8/8/2014 12:23 PM

My lawyer answer: it depends. If your initial filings contain court orders for support and/not withdrawing assets then get him served as soon as possible. That is because court orders are effective on service. In other words, if there is an order preventing WH for withdrawing money except for ordinary living expenses, he can legally do so until he is served with the order.

If this doesn't apply, the choice is yours. For shock and awe, don't tell him. If you know (not hope) the case will be amicable, then you can tell him that you have filed.

The best place to have the papers served is at work for shock and awe.

[This message edited by Schadenfreude at 12:36 PM, August 8th (Friday)]

sparkysable posted 8/8/2014 12:25 PM

Did he tell you that he was going to have an affair? No? Then he doesn't deserve to be warned.

I'm all for the shock and awe factor. I had XWH served at OW's house. Where he wasn't supposed to be, because, you know, I was overreacting and paranoid.

Shockleader posted 8/8/2014 12:32 PM

I did... I walked up to her and said:

"Here is a copy of what you will be served tomorrow"

and left. The shock/confusion on her face was priceless; so was the all too predictable anger, talking bad about me to my DD, etc. So glad she had a nice long night to dread the morning. Fuck her.

I'm so sick of being lied two 10+ times a day. Barf. Who needs this?

No one does... Only you can make it stop when you want to... Just do it, and start toward a much better life. I know it sounds cliché and hackneyed, but I'm living proof of it, even when at times I forget it. Best of luck, and get to work on that D

doggiediva posted 8/8/2014 12:34 PM

Not to thread jack, but if I were the person to initiate the filing for a D (filed first) does whatever I want or request in a divorce filing become the temp court orders?
I would think most of us want finances frozen..And some of us need some financial support or help in paying the monthly bills/utilities..
If it were me, I would let the papers do the talking, and have him served at work or somewhere where I don't have to be physically present..
And I would let grown kids know plans as soon as I know them..

Schadenfreude posted 8/8/2014 12:39 PM

Yes and no. Orders entered on filing without opposition even knowing that a case has been filed and without a contested court hearing are ex parte orders. The opposite party can ask the court to set them aside, modify them. Or live with them during the case. So yes, they can be temporary orders which govern during the case. As the case closes, you get final orders.

BtraydWife posted 8/8/2014 12:46 PM

I'll second or third it.

Tell your daughter now.
Let him find out when he's served.

I think it would be awesome if it was possible to have him served at his whore's house. Could you imagine?

It's really great that you are taking this step. He sounds nasty.

Time Ticks On posted 8/8/2014 13:06 PM

I would tell your daughter today. Don't tell him anything. I would have him served at the OW's house personally.

JustWow posted 8/8/2014 13:30 PM

If your daughter is an adult or late teen, I would go ahead and tell her. If you are not concerned she will talk to your stbxh about it, you can tell an even younger child as well.

If you are concerned about your stbxh pulling financial shenanigans before he is served if he is forewarned, then try to tell your D at the eleventh hour, but before she hears it from him.

He has lost the privilege of you forewarning him as a wifely duty, he fired you from that job while he wallows in his A. You needn't worry about him anymore. He's his own problem.

wk55hn posted 8/8/2014 13:41 PM

I love the idea of serving him at work or the other woman's house, but if you have a child together who still is in college I probably wouldn't surprise him like that just because I wouldn't want him to go running to her with it. I also wouldn't ask his daughter to keep it secret from him. I would just tell him that that you've filed and he is going to be served in the next week or so.

steppingup posted 8/8/2014 14:21 PM

Tell, because that is the right way to do it, with bold honest courage. The kind of treatment we (BSs) have always demanded. Good luck

BtraydWife posted 8/8/2014 16:36 PM

But the downside of telling was mentioned and this is someone who doesn't care what Adrienne feels.

He could take money out and he could make himself unavailable for the server.

She should continue to protect herself as much as possible and that means no advance warning of being served.

oldtimer97 posted 8/8/2014 18:58 PM

Just wanted to jump in w/my suggestion per my divorce from my 1st husband..our divorce made War of the Roses a love story btw.

Telling older daughter okay..even better if process server agrees to notify you either right before service or asap after service because of your time sensitive needs (The best would be before so you are talking with daughter as it happens)

In most, if not all, US jurisdictions law enforcement agents (LE), like cops & sheriff's work @offduty rates for services such as this, state fairs, monster truck rallies, etc. hehe.
And yes, they come in uniform and that uniform makes a BIG impact..better than a civilian.

In my case, I had my husband served without notice at our workplace, which happened to be an Air Force Base (we were civilians). Little did I know it, but I got even more bang for the buck (and the sheriff's fee wasn't outrageous either). When outside LE has an issue with someone on the base, first the MP's must be involved. So it went like this: the MP's went to summon my ex in full view of however many 100's of workers that were in the aircraft hanger (the majority of whose work he supervised as QA), then escorted out (one on each side), then he was taken to the JAG (the legal office) given his service, and then escorted back. I died laughing when I heard.

cantgetup posted 8/8/2014 21:12 PM

"Tell because that is the right way to do it"

Did I read that right???

oldtimer97 posted 8/8/2014 21:23 PM


"Tell because that is the right way to do it"

Did I read that right???

I think you got it from another post? I did a quick word search on the page and didn't come up with that in any of the posts. It sounds tho, like it refers to telling the other BS?

BtraydWife posted 8/8/2014 21:33 PM

She's referring to the post 4 above yours.

somer222 posted 8/8/2014 22:26 PM

You are one very strong lady! Good for you. You are handling this beautifully.

Given the ugly circumstances that he has created, you don't owe him any consideration. I would not give him a heads up that he is going to be served. That might give him an opportunity to play games with money. He is NOT to be trusted.

Another positive thing about letting this be a surprise for him is that he, too, can see what it feels like to have the rug yanked out from underneath him. Jerk!

Big hugs

Jls0320 posted 8/8/2014 23:24 PM

I went back and forth on telling my husband, he was served yesterday at work and now I'm so glad I didn't tell him because yesterday morning I also discovered all his sexts to his whore. It was the perfect day for him to be served

HeBrokeVows posted 8/9/2014 00:19 AM

My lawyer advised me not to in my situation. But every situation is different. Some of you may remember my story of my WH's financial secrets I was uncovering and I had to file to protect me and the kids.

However, it makes such sense when I heard others here say things like he never went over the status of our relationship with me when he decided to have his affair, I don't need to now.

Remember, as soon as you start this process, it's a business deal. My lawyer's motto is to stay in control and be one step ahead. When she feels the control dropping she takes action. So far, knock on wood, we've been in good standings. But again, we have a web of lies beyond the cheating we are uncovering!!

Good luck!

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