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Trial separation?

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1Emptyglass posted 8/8/2014 11:35 AM

This may need to go in General, but we are trying to R so I put it here. I have been reading on this site for almost 3 years, but do not post often. I am coming up to 3 yrs since Dday and I am still in an enormous amount of pain. I had been taking ADs for about 2 yrs following a suicide attempt. ADs helped me cope for a while but the side affects were awful. Stopping ADs was like opening the flood gates of emotions. So I restarted IC & MC about 10 months ago. For a long time I focused my pain & hatred toward OW because she continued to pursue WH for 2+ years via text, phone, & email. She was rehired in our company in January (WH & I work together in the same office now). But after many discussions I realize that although she made herself available it was my WH who kept their affair going as long as it did. He said our crappy sex life was an excuse to have an affair because she would do whatever he wanted whenever he wanted. Sex was 3-6 time a day every day they spent together for 7 months & never slowed down.
If you are still with me, here is my dilemma. I am having a hard time healing with my betrayer in the same house and office with me 24-7. I am considering a trial separation ( we have a house 4 hrs from where we are currently working). I don't want to have any contact with him for at least a month to see if I feel any better out of his presence. One condition is that he cannot date women while I am figuring this out, I do not plan to cultivate new relationships either so I am not asking anything I am not willing to do. Anyone with experience with this? Did it help you decide to stay or leave?

1Emptyglass posted 8/9/2014 08:42 AM

Anyone reconcile after separation? Experiences?

juggernaughtie posted 8/9/2014 12:00 PM

BS here. Although my wife and I aren't going through a "trial" separation, we are separated. We are trying to figure out exactly how to repair the M after her A. The separation makes things more difficult in healing in most ways, but a few ways helps things. It makes it difficult because we only see each other on the weekends, and for about 20 mins in the mornings to drop off kids. The lack of proximity isn't really allowing us to build the closeness of the relationship back. My primary love language is physical touch, so only seeing her very briefly through the week is bad for me. Also, she is very good at hiding things, and is overall a pretty selfish person. She says she isn't involved with OM anymore in anyway, but its hard to know for sure. She loved him, and they were involved for 1+ year. So, I ALWAYS am wondering what she is doing. So those are the two things that come to mind that do not help the healing. Now, with the distance comes a few things that are helping the marriage (by helping me personally) I have found a greater sense of self. I was emotionally codependent on her for years, and the separation has greatly increased my confidence and sense of self worth. I KNOW that I will be ok without her. I am learning how to raise two wonderful children by myself and how to make myself happy. Of course I don't want to divorce my WW, but I did not choose her actions, and am only in control of myself.

Trial separations could help or hurt your marriage in the long run. If you give the WS too much slack in the leash, they might learn that they really would rather be with someone else. If you split temporarily, and they realize that you are the one for them, they will attempt at R. Either way, you will know the truth.

seethelight posted 8/9/2014 12:10 PM

I think if you have no children, a trial separation is a good thing.

Yes, as has been noted, it might help you find a sense of self and some people have told me that their separation helped them take their power back.

They also realized that they could live very well and happily on their own.

Some people I know who separated did get back together and they claim the separation helped.

There are also people who have divorced and then began dating each other again, and then remarried.

If it's what you feel you need to do, why not?

Schadenfreude posted 8/9/2014 12:15 PM

How do you not see him at work? And who gets the 8'hour daily commute? In short,have you thought out what a trial separation would actually mean in your circumstances?

Have you read up on the 180? It could accomplish the same thing. Detachment and time to reflect. You are trying to decide R or D. In short, are you better off with him or without him. You want to be without him to see that side of the coin. You may be better off forgetting about that other home too far away and see what's available on 6 moth lease closer to you. Maybe one of those business stay locations which are furnished.

1Emptyglass posted 8/10/2014 10:58 AM

To clarify, I would quit work and move back to our house. He can continue the project and stay in the apartment we both share. We currently go home to our house together on weekends. He is trying, he wants our M, I am just depressed and frustrated that I cannot stop obsessing about his A. I cannot imagine spending the next 20 years thinking about what he did every single day. I wondered if a separation would help me bring clarity to whether I really want this M or not. Our kids are now grown, so that is not a factor. I just feel stuck and unhappy.

cosmicjoke posted 8/10/2014 11:53 AM

EG- so sorry for your awful situation.. but BE CAREFUL with 'trial separations'. They are a cheater's dream come true. While you are testing the waters, seeing how 'things go'.. seeing how strong you might feel on your own, giving them a chance to 'get it' and realize what they are about to lose, maybe now they appreciate me, absence makes the heart grow fonder, blah blah blah.. your partner will consider himself 100% single & available... and it will be Playtime ON. Not just with the previous OW(s) but possibly all kinds of new ones. This will be his chance to go wild. In his mind, you just gave him the green light. Because when you're 'separated', they don't consider it 'cheating'.
Even if you do reconcile after all this, be aware that now there could be all kinds of new DDays & TT and years of questions and pain and wondering.. not to mention lots of new risk for disease. AND a possible OW Pregnancy. For some reason, women love married-but-separated men who are in limbo trying to 'figure out' if they want to stay with their wife or not. And men in this situation are extra reckless- with the lack of protection and so on. Classic stuff.
Not trying to scare you- just trying to help you be aware and cautious of what a 'Trial Separation' often really means for cheaters. I see so many sad BSs having a more innocent view of it, not understanding what can happen. Your partner having a fling or 2, or 10.. can sometimes 'get it out of their system' and realize how much they appreciate you (or they want to go back to the familiar..) but just know that a new start later could include all sorts of new baggage. And new OWs trying to poke their way into your life. And when you try to discuss or understand what happened during that time (because it will probably still feel like cheating, to you).. he will say 'but we were separated..! We weren't together anymore!'
So know that you are essentially signing off to all this.. when you 'trial separate'.

Melian40 posted 8/10/2014 17:02 PM

You mentioned that your 44 years old husband had sex 3-6 times with a 54 year old woman every time they met?
Who told you that? You found out on your own?
Sorry, but I don't buy it. She must have been on menopause. And she is single? Never married? Something smells pretty bad here...lies maybe?
You also said that you tried to commit a suicide.
Was it because of his affair? And he rehired that woman in your company? WTF???
Since your kids are old enough, I don't see any reason why not trying to live seperately if you have that need, considering your depression issue as well.

Needadrink posted 8/10/2014 18:30 PM

You mentioned that your 44 years old husband had sex 3-6 times with a 54 year old woman every time they met?
Firstly let me just clear something up! Just because you are 54 doesn't mean that you are not capable of having sex or enjoying it. I myself am 58 and enjoy it tremendously. In regards to the trial separation have you discussed it with your H and what are his thoughts?

Needadrink posted 8/10/2014 18:59 PM

Sorry I meant to quote the above statement from Melian.. I guess that's one thing I'm too good at my computer skills. Ha ha.

1Emptyglass posted 8/10/2014 21:25 PM

WH told me the AP relationship was all about the sex and they had plenty. At the time of the A he was working in another state and only home one weekend a month. AP would fly to his location to spend the weekend getting drunk and screwing. WH says he never loved AP, but never stopped loving me ...yuck. We never stopped having sex, but it was never as frequent as with his AP.
when we began R we went through a period of HB & it was like that on weekends that he was home. Now that we are together every day it's like once a week, but it would be every day morning & night if I was willing. My sex drive has never really matched his. He claims our sex life doesn't need to be like his A......but I always wonder how long that will last.
WH ended the A on Dday, but AP attempted contact all the way up to about 6 weeks ago when we copied WH boss and AP boss on the response that any contact was considered harassment from AP. For now she is silent.
Long story, but WH does not want separation, I am wanting to see if I will be less depressed if I don't have to be reminded every day what he did to us.

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