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CJ888 (original poster new member #44428) posted at 7:18 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014
I am 3 weeks post discovery of his A and he thinks my emotional responses are because I'm crazy and not because he ripped my heart out. He is not an overly emotional person. How can I help him to understand that my emotions are normal and ok?
rachelc ( member #30314) posted at 7:26 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014
Have him read How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair.
sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 7:26 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014
You could point him here, without revealing your ID.
It might be better to give him a copy of NOT "Just friends" by Shirley Glass and tell him not to talk to you until he's read it.
There's a link to Amazon just to the left. There's also a very well-respected book called something like How to Help Your Betrayed Spouse Heal From Your Affair.
IIRC, both are downloadable; I know the 2nd one is.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex apDDay - 12/22/2010Recover'd and R'edYou don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
Holly-Isis ( member #13447) posted at 7:31 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014
How about kick him between the legs and then tell him to go on as though the next few minutes are normal and he hasn't been nutcrackered. 
I told MrH he should be worried if I wasn't hurt. That place of neutrality and no emotions should be his worry rather than you showing emotions.
"Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. *CS Lewis*
notanavrageangel ( member #44154) posted at 7:33 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014
CJ888
I suggest "How to help your spouse heal from your affair"
Here is the link to DL the free PDF http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/how_to_help_11-06-10_final_pdf-.pdf
This helped my WH see why I was doing the things I was. He was confused why I kept asking the same questions over and over etc, until he read this. Then a lightbulb went out. We read it out loud together. She is religious and talks about God a bit, but we still got the gist of what she was saying. Easy very practical read.
Is your spouse not remorseful at all for his actions? This is a bit of a red flag, however I was "fortunate" in that when I discovered my WH affair he broke down and realized the depth of the damage he did to me. His A had to do with low self esteem in himself, so I am not sure the reasons are related but some WH take longer to realize the gravity of what they have done.
Me: BW, 29
Him: fWH, 28
DDAY 7/4/14 TT till 7/18/14
"Reconciliation means working together to correct the legacy of past injustice." - Nelson Mandela
DrJekyll ( member #43618) posted at 7:34 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014
smash him in the nuts with a hammer while he sleeps. and when he reacts, tell him it is because he is crazy, and he isn't reacting normally.
Sorry your WS is an ass.
One thing that helped my BS and I was MC. We were reading books, reading SI, reading blogs, reading articles, but it really helped us having our MC help us to be reassured that what we were going through was normal feelings, and a natural progression.
ETA: crossposted
[This message edited by DrJekyll at 1:35 PM, August 8th (Friday)]
A wound can be stitched shut, but it decides when it will heal on its own.
ME: WH HER: BS (holesinmybucket)
I do not PM with Women
Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny. C.S.Lewis
sorrowfulmate ( member #43441) posted at 7:43 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014
The McDonald book is great.
However it's not supposed to be free. She uses sales of the book to fund her website.
I made the mistake of downloading it then I emailed her about paying for it.
Me-WS 52 Her-BS 51 Questioningall
5 kids DDay 12/13 (lied ONS)
Dday 3/3/14 - multiple EA, PA
TT ended in October when I had polygraph
"Good night, Sorrowful. Good work. Sleep well. I can always divorce you in the morning." Dread BS Roberts
DMS88 ( member #13461) posted at 7:47 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014
It is called gas lighting. It is a typical cheater response. They will question your sanity, then they'll down play everything, they will deny, deny, deny. They will give you trickle truth, but only after you have undeniable evidence. They will later say they never denied anything but told you the truth the first time around. You need to disconnect from him because he will drive you crazy.
I bought my husband all the books listed above, but he didn't read them. I read them and they are good. If you can get him to read them it might be a good start.
Me: BS
Him: WS
Discovered the affair: 4 Jan '07. It started in March '06.
Second D-Day 9 October 2007 (same woman). Moved and affair ended.
Currently separated because of his alcohol addiction and boundary issues.
confused615 ( member #30826) posted at 7:49 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014
On the wayward forum, there is a thread written by Hufi-Pufi, What Every wayward Spouse Needs to Know. It's on page 6 right now. I'd bump it up for you, but I am not able to post there. Perhaps one of our WS's could do that? It's an excellent post..and it is *spot on* when it comes to understanding a BS's emotions.
You are not crazy..you have been betrayed by the one person you thought you could trust. It takes 2-5 years to heal from this shit..and that doesn't start until he finds true remorse..and there is no TT. (Well..you can heal with an unremorseful WS..but the marriage can't survive.)
Or, you could just, you know, kick him in the balls, as previously suggested. 
(just kidding...just kidding..sorta..no..really) 
BS(me)44
FWH 48
4 kids
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Didact ( member #42867) posted at 10:07 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014
On the wayward forum, there is a thread written by Hufi-Pufi, What Every wayward Spouse Needs to Know
I think this post (iirc it is on another blog or website as well) might be the best single resource with things that a wayward can actually do to help. I know my WW has liked it.
No matter how painful, life either adapts or it dies.
BH (Me) 49
WW 48
Married 1985
D-Day Mar 19, 2014
1 year passionate EA/PA, ended by me on d-day.
Attempting to R
CJ888 (original poster new member #44428) posted at 10:11 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014
Thank you all for your input. I would love to punch him in the balls, however, I bought the book How to help your spouse heal from your affair. He said he is going to read it with me when it arrives in 2 days. We shall see.
healingroad ( member #41920) posted at 10:15 PM on Friday, August 8th, 2014
I don't think anyone has affirmatively said this, so just for the record, I'll shout since he seems a little deaf:
This is a NORMAL response to a TRAUMATIC EVENT. Three weeks after D-Day is A VERY SHORT TIME. He should expect that the damage he's done will take YEARS TO HEAL and require that he do some very HARD WORK. And if he doesn't, he doesn't deserve you.
Hit him in the balls with that.
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