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User Topic: New sex acts with AP
♂ 43298
Member # 43298
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It seems to be very common here that the WS tries out sex acts with the AP that they don't do with the BS. Some WS probably feel like they don't have to worry about rejection or feeling judged or dirty or clumsy with AP. Anatomical differences between BS and AP could contribute. Some WS may try out something with AP that they've been wanting to do with BS and requested, but BS declined. Maybe WS never requested and BS had no idea they wanted to do that. Some WS perform sex acts with AP that BS had requested but WS had declined at home.
Sometimes it's just that the sex life in the M has been slowly developing and growing through the years with new material added over a lifetime; then WS just gives that all away in a night or a week or a month...

Ok BSs, how do you feel about this? How do you handle this special sting?

Me: BH 40ish
Her: WW 35ish
Married 13 years
DD 3, DS 7
EA/PA: 1yr/6mo
DDay: 11/1/2013
TT: 8/12/14, more on the way?
FB NC breach: 8/15/14
MC on hold because he was worse than nothing. Maybe we'll find an infidelity specialist.

Posts: 21 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Northeast USA
♂ 41298
Member # 41298
Default  Posted: 2:14 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok BSs, how do you feel about this? How do you handle this special sting?

I fall in the camp of not wanting sexual details, partially for this reason.

My initial thought is, the A betrayal is what really matters. The details are only part of the bigger picture.

You're trying to justify the WS thinking, but that's not fair for you. In the end, it stings, but it is just part of the sordid A.

In the end, you have the right to ask WW why she would do tat act with AP, but not you (if you really need to know).

But to me, you would need to learn to "live with" the A if you're trying to R, and forget the details (as much as you can). Why? You'll just keep recreating mind movies and now those acts will be out of your playbook.

((growing)). It's a terrible jorney we didn't sign up for.

ETA: Put quote in quote box

[This message edited by cvs2kkids at 2:14 PM, August 8th (Friday)]

Philippians 4:6-7

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your min

Posts: 241 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: NB Canada
♂ 29322
Member # 29322
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know of any "new" sex acts she performed with AP, as we are both fairly accomplished in that field. My biggest issue was that I always viewed certain acts as "ours", for just us. A few were always fantasies that I had never acted upon with any other woman. After the A, of which I received zero details other than confirmation that she screwed the dude, I had mind movies for over a year of her consummating "our" acts with other men. The only thing she says is that she never did any of them and had *just sex* with OM. I don't believe her.


Posts: 1511 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: WI
♀ 44248
Member # 44248
Default  Posted: 3:56 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok BSs, how do you feel about this? How do you handle this special sting?

I wanted all the details and he gave them to me. He didn't understand why, but I explained to him that I needed to know the details or else I'd go crazy creating my own movies in my head. He didn't give me a timeline of the A, but answered all my questions truthfully (as far as I know) whenever I asked.

Don't know if this is TMI, but we were both virgins when we got married and so it was always hard to explore things together as I think we were both always shy about asking each other stuff and exploring new ways of doing things. WH did ask sometimes for something different, and I do remember saying no, but I never meant no it's totally off the board. I just meant no at that moment, that day. He explained later that he had thought it meant no, forever...

After I found out about the A, he told me he tried new acts with AP, and I was upset because what they did weren't the same acts that he had asked of me, and I would have actually tried those if he has asked me. I admit we HB a few days after Dday, and I stupidly did the same acts with him. I don't think it has had too much affect on me though. Then again, we haven't been intimate in over a month since we're living on opposite sides of the country right now....

I also found a box of sex toys hidden in our closet right before I found out about the A and when I confronted him about it, he said he bought those things to try with me but never brought it up because I always shut down his suggestions in the past.

I don't know how to handle this if I ever see him again. (D and R are still both options.) If it ever gets to the point where we R and are together again, I feel like it's going to be super hard with any sort of act, let alone trying something new because how am I supposed to know it it's actually NEW for him....

Me: BS 30 Him: XH 30
Married: 5 years, together 7. No kids.
DDay: 6/3/14
Divorced: 04/2015!

"There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."

Posts: 228 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: VA
♀ 26928
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sometimes knew when XWH had someone "new" by the differences in the bedroom. New tricks or different motions gave him away more than once.

Me - 45
DD(24), DS(21, PDD-NOS)

WH#2 (SorryinSac)- Killed himself (May 2015) in our home 6 days after being served divorce docs.
XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).

I edit often for clarity/typos.

Posts: 9972 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Here and There
♀ 37725
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never asked if he did anything different with OW. I did ask if they ever had anal sex, as that is something I refused--I thought that perhaps she was more amenable to that suggestion, but no, they never did, and he says he never asked. The only detail I know is that she took a long time to reach orgasm, and that hers seemed not very intense. So I really don't know what the sexual thrill was, other than the fact that she was just something different.

Me: BW, age 69
Him: WH, age 67
Married 22 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA

Posts: 497 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
♀ 36813
Member # 36813
Default  Posted: 5:33 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My FWH did new sex acts with ow. It hurt because I have always been very open to trying new things, but FWH felt like a freak for liking a particular act, and said he worried Id think it was strange. He says he never came out and told her he was into it, but the first night the had sex she was telling him what she was into before they did it and it happened to be this act. After Dday we shared everything, and I was open to trying it. I actually like it and depending on my state, we do it. Other times it triggers me. His reasoning makes sense, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. :(

Posts: 320 | Registered: Sep 2012
♀ 38879
Member # 38879
Default  Posted: 6:01 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex is now very different between WH and I. I did notice when things "changed", before I knew about his A.
Now I trigger constantly. He is still not forthcoming with any details - avoids and minimizes - so my imagination takes over.

In on one the IM's I saw - actually the one when I discovered the A - he talked about "making love to her". How much he enjoyed it. So now, we don't "make love". We have sex. It's all I can do. No emotion, no bonding, no deep meaning. Just sex. I hate it. I want to make "love again", but I just can't. To hard to get past. He can call it whatever he wants. It's just sex, just a release.

OW was able to O during PIV - I am not. I feel defective and inferior. WH wants to "try a few things". I know he is talking about the sex positions they used where she O'd. I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe in a few years. If I am still here.

WH even kisses differently now. Another thing I noticed, and commented on before I know about the A. He says she really liked to "make out". and give him BJ's. yuk. Now everything has changed, and I can't help but feel that he compares, and I am inferior. One more thing to explore in IC.

Sucks to be me.

BW - mid 50's WH - mid 50's
DDay - 3/2/13 - 2:07pm 2+ year EA/PA
TT until 2016 - why do they do that?

Trust is earned, respect is given, & loyalty is demonstrated. Betrayal of any one is to loose all three.

Posts: 517 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: SF Bay Area/NorCal
♀ 44330
Member # 44330
Default  Posted: 7:24 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HOW did you discover that he learned new sex moves? Did he come out and tell you? Did he suddenly try them on you?

Posts: 185 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: Chicago
♀ 41205
Member # 41205
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There was nothing new they did in bed that he hadn't done with me. It was just that the AP was NEW - NOT ME.
I still hurt like you, I don't see any difference between our pain.
Don't torture yourself with details, they really mean nothing in the end. It's the betrayal we all have to deal with.

DD-age 10
Together 7 years, married 17 years
DD1:8/12/2013 -OW1-PA 1.5 months in 2009
DD2:8/17/2013 - OW2-EA Spring 2013- He tried to hit on her but she denied.

"You can't fix a broken man, but he can break you"

Posts: 401 | Registered: Nov 2013
♀ 44345
Member # 44345
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know but I doubt it. Maybe she gave him anal sex, which I have absolutely no interest in, otherwise I don't think she was willing to do half the things I will do.

I don't want the details. I find the thought of her absolutely disgusting and even though I know they had sex I just can't picture it in my head. I think it's better that way...

Betrayed Wife: Me (31)
Wayward Husband: Him (32)
Kids: Mine- 11,8 His- 9 Ours- 2
Together: 2/4/2012
DDAY #1: 5/27/14 Long Term PA
TT: 5/27-7/29/14
DDAY #2: 7/30/14 Finally admits it.
Working on Reconciliation. We'll see..

Posts: 34 | Registered: Aug 2014 | From: New England
♂ 40392
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 8:17 PM, August 8th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The way I feel about I makes me not want to have sex with my wife ever again and that's a shame because I used to enjoy it with her. No it's based on a need to let some pressure off and it sucks .

Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 648 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 2:24 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ow is very much into porn and I think ws, who started viewing during the A, liked that she's an anything goes girl. I've never refused him any sex acts and I also was always wanting to spice things up. I think he felt more comfortable with her, almost like I would judge him. It really bothers me that I've been with him so many years, yet he feels more sexually adventurous with ow. He ruined it for me, I will never feel secure enough to be with him again.
Been with him over half my life
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank

Posts: 5738 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
♀ 40139
Member # 40139
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sex isn't special any more. It's not magical or soul-connecting. It's just not - never has been, never will be. My WH is not capable of that particular kind of vulnerability or emotional nakedness. I have let go of the notion of ever having had it with him. His A was about ego kibbles. The sex was just sex. It was always "just sex", even when it was "just us". He did EVERYTHING with his AP... not just sexually. There was no part of being his wife that he did not desecrate with her. .. except for enduring his family. That one is still all mine.

So we still have great sex. It's sex. It doesn't mean anything particularly special, other than that we are now (to my knowledge) exclusive. I have mind-blowing orgasms all the time, but I don't think about them ten minutes after I've had them. They aren't magic.

So they had sex. Big whoopity wow. Every mammal on the planet does that. It ain't special.

Well, I'm a year out and that's how I feel about it right now. In the beginning, I handled it by doing a lot of vomiting.

Me: Believer, 40s
Him: Liar, 40s
Married 19 years
1 year EA/2 month PA/incidental infidelities I can't begin to process
OC born 2014
In successful R. It only hurts now when it rains.

Posts: 865 | Registered: Jul 2013
♂ 42648
Member # 42648
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For my stbxww sex was ever just a means to an end. It took me a long time to realize it, but it crystallized during our false R when afterwards one time she said something to the effect of, "are we ok now?".

Whatever special connection we had once had during sex was gone, and it had become some mechanical means of gratification.

So while I was initially hurt by some of the specific things I found out, I realized it was never anything to do with me, it was just my stbxww's brokenness playing itself out.

[This message edited by idontknowwhy5 at 7:42 AM, August 9th (Saturday)]

DDays- too many

Status - In D.

Posts: 95 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 43773
Member # 43773
Default  Posted: 9:43 AM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There are a few stings.. one is that he did things that I thought were a sign of intimacy between us, and even when he was telling me about the affair he threw it out there as if it was no big deal

During our intimacy post-dday he began doing a few things that were different. Not off the wall different, but definitely different. I started having a crapton of mindmovies because of it.

I finally asked him about it, and asked for specific details on the sex acts as confirmation, and found out that his sex with the OW was just "standard stuff." all sex happened in his truck, usually in the backseat, so I have a hard time figuring out how that'd even be comfortable and am doubtful that they tried a lot of new stuff. My husband claimed he was trying the different stuff with me as a way to try and avoid mindmovies - because it was stuff he'd never done with them.

I took the explanation because I can't prove otherwise and I'd rather get the women out of my head as much as possible during intimacy.

“It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” - Dumbledore

Posts: 4092 | Registered: Jun 2014 | From: California
♂ 44295
Member # 44295
Default  Posted: 12:27 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My exWW left me and moved in with her OM. After he dumped her she crawled back and we tried R. One day, after a huge fight, she broke down and told me she had done things for the OM she had beforehand refused to do for me. She even offered to start doing those things if I still wanted to.

Well it sent me into a destructive spiral. I never had sex with her again after that and I retaliated by having sex with around fourteen other women in the space of about eight months. I also slept with her best friend. When she found out about these RAs she flipped out and kicked me out.

Needless to say I didn't handle it in the best fashion.

Me: exWH/madhatter
Married to exWW 7/10/84
Her first DD: 12/24/87
My revenge affairs DD: 3/15/88 through 12/07/89
Divorced 11/14/90

Ex WW cheated on me. I retaliated by becoming a cheating monster with numerous women.

Posts: 22 | Registered: Jul 2014 | From: Arizona
♀ 43344
Member # 43344
Default  Posted: 7:01 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Definitely there were sex acts that my Wh performed with AP and not with me. He told me last week that they would have sex for an entire hour! I need about 15minutes and I'm good. Have ZERO desire for 1hr sexcapades. Felt inferior because of that.
Before dday, I actually asked him about his "new" moves---if only I'd not been so dumb then and accepted his excuses. However, on the upside our sex got way better from his experiences with AP. Sad but true.

Me: BS 44
Him: WH 43
7 year LTA, DDay 1: June 4, 2013
DDay2: 6/5/16-Same OW
DDay3: 8/19/16
DDay4: 8/1/17--found her stalking me here at SI
Married 19 years
2 kids aged 12 & 10
Plan: get self out of infidelity

Posts: 442 | Registered: May 2014 | From: Florida
♂ 40606
Member # 40606
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case, it was sort of the opposite. OM had a plain vanilla sex life with his spouse and my WW was willing to perform all the acts that he did not get at home. When it started, he was hoping my WW might do cowgirl for him as he had fantasized about it but not done it. By the time it ended, she had served him an entire Roman orgy sex menu.

Posts: 212 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ 43226
Member # 43226
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, August 9th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did not ask. I do not want or need to know. But, he and I have always been extremely adventurous... so there is nothing I can think of that he could have tried with her. And I am happy with that, means I don't wonder.

BW early 30's

Separated March 2014
Kintsukuroi: the art of repairing broken pottery with gold and silver laquer, and understanding that it is more beautiful for having been broken

Posts: 68 | Registered: Apr 2014
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