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growing posted 8/8/2014 13:33 PM

It seems to be very common here that the WS tries out sex acts with the AP that they don't do with the BS. Some WS probably feel like they don't have to worry about rejection or feeling judged or dirty or clumsy with AP. Anatomical differences between BS and AP could contribute. Some WS may try out something with AP that they've been wanting to do with BS and requested, but BS declined. Maybe WS never requested and BS had no idea they wanted to do that. Some WS perform sex acts with AP that BS had requested but WS had declined at home.
Sometimes it's just that the sex life in the M has been slowly developing and growing through the years with new material added over a lifetime; then WS just gives that all away in a night or a week or a month...

Ok BSs, how do you feel about this? How do you handle this special sting?

cvs2kkids posted 8/8/2014 14:14 PM

Ok BSs, how do you feel about this? How do you handle this special sting?

I fall in the camp of not wanting sexual details, partially for this reason.

My initial thought is, the A betrayal is what really matters. The details are only part of the bigger picture.

You're trying to justify the WS thinking, but that's not fair for you. In the end, it stings, but it is just part of the sordid A.

In the end, you have the right to ask WW why she would do tat act with AP, but not you (if you really need to know).

But to me, you would need to learn to "live with" the A if you're trying to R, and forget the details (as much as you can). Why? You'll just keep recreating mind movies and now those acts will be out of your playbook.

((growing)). It's a terrible jorney we didn't sign up for.


ETA: Put quote in quote box

[This message edited by cvs2kkids at 2:14 PM, August 8th (Friday)]

HurtingandLost posted 8/8/2014 15:56 PM

I don't know of any "new" sex acts she performed with AP, as we are both fairly accomplished in that field. My biggest issue was that I always viewed certain acts as "ours", for just us. A few were always fantasies that I had never acted upon with any other woman. After the A, of which I received zero details other than confirmation that she screwed the dude, I had mind movies for over a year of her consummating "our" acts with other men. The only thing she says is that she never did any of them and had *just sex* with OM. I don't believe her.

SoLostStillNumb posted 8/8/2014 15:56 PM

Ok BSs, how do you feel about this? How do you handle this special sting?

I wanted all the details and he gave them to me. He didn't understand why, but I explained to him that I needed to know the details or else I'd go crazy creating my own movies in my head. He didn't give me a timeline of the A, but answered all my questions truthfully (as far as I know) whenever I asked.

Don't know if this is TMI, but we were both virgins when we got married and so it was always hard to explore things together as I think we were both always shy about asking each other stuff and exploring new ways of doing things. WH did ask sometimes for something different, and I do remember saying no, but I never meant no it's totally off the board. I just meant no at that moment, that day. He explained later that he had thought it meant no, forever...

After I found out about the A, he told me he tried new acts with AP, and I was upset because what they did weren't the same acts that he had asked of me, and I would have actually tried those if he has asked me. I admit we HB a few days after Dday, and I stupidly did the same acts with him. I don't think it has had too much affect on me though. Then again, we haven't been intimate in over a month since we're living on opposite sides of the country right now....

I also found a box of sex toys hidden in our closet right before I found out about the A and when I confronted him about it, he said he bought those things to try with me but never brought it up because I always shut down his suggestions in the past.

I don't know how to handle this if I ever see him again. (D and R are still both options.) If it ever gets to the point where we R and are together again, I feel like it's going to be super hard with any sort of act, let alone trying something new because how am I supposed to know it it's actually NEW for him....

GabyBaby posted 8/8/2014 16:04 PM

I sometimes knew when XWH had someone "new" by the differences in the bedroom. New tricks or different motions gave him away more than once.

SadFlower posted 8/8/2014 16:40 PM

I never asked if he did anything different with OW. I did ask if they ever had anal sex, as that is something I refused--I thought that perhaps she was more amenable to that suggestion, but no, they never did, and he says he never asked. The only detail I know is that she took a long time to reach orgasm, and that hers seemed not very intense. So I really don't know what the sexual thrill was, other than the fact that she was just something different.

Daisy312 posted 8/8/2014 17:33 PM

My FWH did new sex acts with ow. It hurt because I have always been very open to trying new things, but FWH felt like a freak for liking a particular act, and said he worried Id think it was strange. He says he never came out and told her he was into it, but the first night the had sex she was telling him what she was into before they did it and it happened to be this act. After Dday we shared everything, and I was open to trying it. I actually like it and depending on my state, we do it. Other times it triggers me. His reasoning makes sense, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. :(

3kids30years posted 8/8/2014 18:01 PM

Sex is now very different between WH and I. I did notice when things "changed", before I knew about his A.
Now I trigger constantly. He is still not forthcoming with any details - avoids and minimizes - so my imagination takes over.

In on one the IM's I saw - actually the one when I discovered the A - he talked about "making love to her". How much he enjoyed it. So now, we don't "make love". We have sex. It's all I can do. No emotion, no bonding, no deep meaning. Just sex. I hate it. I want to make "love again", but I just can't. To hard to get past. He can call it whatever he wants. It's just sex, just a release.

OW was able to O during PIV - I am not. I feel defective and inferior. WH wants to "try a few things". I know he is talking about the sex positions they used where she O'd. I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe in a few years. If I am still here.

WH even kisses differently now. Another thing I noticed, and commented on before I know about the A. He says she really liked to "make out". and give him BJ's. yuk. Now everything has changed, and I can't help but feel that he compares, and I am inferior. One more thing to explore in IC.

Sucks to be me.

LumpyLola posted 8/8/2014 19:24 PM

HOW did you discover that he learned new sex moves? Did he come out and tell you? Did he suddenly try them on you?

Melian40 posted 8/8/2014 19:39 PM

There was nothing new they did in bed that he hadn't done with me. It was just that the AP was NEW - NOT ME.
I still hurt like you, I don't see any difference between our pain.
Don't torture yourself with details, they really mean nothing in the end. It's the betrayal we all have to deal with.

thestepfordex posted 8/8/2014 19:49 PM

I don't know but I doubt it. Maybe she gave him anal sex, which I have absolutely no interest in, otherwise I don't think she was willing to do half the things I will do.

I don't want the details. I find the thought of her absolutely disgusting and even though I know they had sex I just can't picture it in my head. I think it's better that way...

Uhtred posted 8/8/2014 20:17 PM

The way I feel about I makes me not want to have sex with my wife ever again and that's a shame because I used to enjoy it with her. No it's based on a need to let some pressure off and it sucks .

Ostrich80 posted 8/9/2014 02:24 AM

Ow is very much into porn and I think ws, who started viewing during the A, liked that she's an anything goes girl. I've never refused him any sex acts and I also was always wanting to spice things up. I think he felt more comfortable with her, almost like I would judge him. It really bothers me that I've been with him so many years, yet he feels more sexually adventurous with ow. He ruined it for me, I will never feel secure enough to be with him again.

plainpain posted 8/9/2014 02:42 AM

Sex isn't special any more. It's not magical or soul-connecting. It's just not - never has been, never will be. My WH is not capable of that particular kind of vulnerability or emotional nakedness. I have let go of the notion of ever having had it with him. His A was about ego kibbles. The sex was just sex. It was always "just sex", even when it was "just us". He did EVERYTHING with his AP... not just sexually. There was no part of being his wife that he did not desecrate with her. .. except for enduring his family. That one is still all mine.

So we still have great sex. It's sex. It doesn't mean anything particularly special, other than that we are now (to my knowledge) exclusive. I have mind-blowing orgasms all the time, but I don't think about them ten minutes after I've had them. They aren't magic.

So they had sex. Big whoopity wow. Every mammal on the planet does that. It ain't special.

Well, I'm a year out and that's how I feel about it right now. In the beginning, I handled it by doing a lot of vomiting.

idontknowwhy5 posted 8/9/2014 07:41 AM

For my stbxww sex was ever just a means to an end. It took me a long time to realize it, but it crystallized during our false R when afterwards one time she said something to the effect of, "are we ok now?".

Whatever special connection we had once had during sex was gone, and it had become some mechanical means of gratification.

So while I was initially hurt by some of the specific things I found out, I realized it was never anything to do with me, it was just my stbxww's brokenness playing itself out.

[This message edited by idontknowwhy5 at 7:42 AM, August 9th (Saturday)]

Lark posted 8/9/2014 09:43 AM

There are a few stings.. one is that he did things that I thought were a sign of intimacy between us, and even when he was telling me about the affair he threw it out there as if it was no big deal

During our intimacy post-dday he began doing a few things that were different. Not off the wall different, but definitely different. I started having a crapton of mindmovies because of it.

I finally asked him about it, and asked for specific details on the sex acts as confirmation, and found out that his sex with the OW was just "standard stuff." all sex happened in his truck, usually in the backseat, so I have a hard time figuring out how that'd even be comfortable and am doubtful that they tried a lot of new stuff. My husband claimed he was trying the different stuff with me as a way to try and avoid mindmovies - because it was stuff he'd never done with them.

I took the explanation because I can't prove otherwise and I'd rather get the women out of my head as much as possible during intimacy.

ExWayward posted 8/9/2014 12:27 PM

My exWW left me and moved in with her OM. After he dumped her she crawled back and we tried R. One day, after a huge fight, she broke down and told me she had done things for the OM she had beforehand refused to do for me. She even offered to start doing those things if I still wanted to.

Well it sent me into a destructive spiral. I never had sex with her again after that and I retaliated by having sex with around fourteen other women in the space of about eight months. I also slept with her best friend. When she found out about these RAs she flipped out and kicked me out.

Needless to say I didn't handle it in the best fashion.

MissedRedFlags posted 8/9/2014 19:01 PM

Definitely there were sex acts that my Wh performed with AP and not with me. He told me last week that they would have sex for an entire hour! I need about 15minutes and I'm good. Have ZERO desire for 1hr sexcapades. Felt inferior because of that.
Before dday, I actually asked him about his "new" moves---if only I'd not been so dumb then and accepted his excuses. However, on the upside our sex got way better from his experiences with AP. Sad but true.

LeopoldB posted 8/9/2014 19:33 PM

In my case, it was sort of the opposite. OM had a plain vanilla sex life with his spouse and my WW was willing to perform all the acts that he did not get at home. When it started, he was hoping my WW might do cowgirl for him as he had fantasized about it but not done it. By the time it ended, she had served him an entire Roman orgy sex menu.

ThrownAwayTwice posted 8/9/2014 19:40 PM

I did not ask. I do not want or need to know. But, he and I have always been extremely adventurous... so there is nothing I can think of that he could have tried with her. And I am happy with that, means I don't wonder.

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