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Please tell me if I'm sane! 2x4's, Wayward and everyone, help!

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Melian40 posted 8/8/2014 13:37 PM


In 2011 my WH created a small music band (him, another guy and a female singer).
He and the female singer (OW) communicated about work stuff and I didn't find anything suspicious. He was away from home many hours but he always told me where he went (Band-work related)
One day last year a friend of ours told me that he had seen him with the female singer alone in a tavern and there was a flower on the table. My friend saluted them and they chit chatted. When he got home he told me that they went there to check the music program of the tavern in order to "steal" some songs and that it was work-band related.
I said fuck you, I don't believe you. He had recorded the songs of the tavern and told me that he had everything in there and thankfully for him that would be the proof that he was clean and it was only work related.
I started to listen to the record but it was too noisy from the voices of the people who were in the tavern and the band which played. It was really difficult to isolate what my WH and OW were saying. During the time I was looking through the record he was hovering around me and seemed anxious. I was very patient and I managed to clear some phrases. He and OW had a pretty casual convo in the beginning but during a song I managed to catch a phrase my WH said to OW: "We are together one and a half year and I stare you like that? Why?" She didn't say anything. After that phrase he used soft voice and asked her if she needed anything to eat etc. After a little while the convo became casual again.
I assumed that he had an affair for one and a half year with that singer. He said no, he knew her for one and a half year when they created the band and that he couldn't understand how he said that phrase, he couldn't remember. I insisted and he admitted that he tried to hit on her during that time but nothing happened and it stopped there and everything was OK after. I insisted that he had a full one and a half year affair and I kicked him out. After an hour he came back sobbing and very disturbed and told me he fucked her only once, nothing happened after that.
Then he took it back and told me that he had only tried to hit on her and it stopped.
He continued with the band and I planted a VAR in the inner cloth of his jacket many times. One time he told her that they had to split the band, it wasn't right because I wasn't OK with that. She then said: "Why? you didn't do anything!" It's unfair. After that I let him continue with the band, I searched and found nothing suspicious. My gut tells me that something happened in the past but not now. Nevertheless I asked him to leave the band because enough is enough, otherwise I'm leaving him.
The money he makes from the band is his only income but I gave him almost a year to find something else, which he didn't. Now that I gave him an ultimatum he says too bad because NOTHING ever happened between them, not even the hit on.
I said "But I heard you in the recording"! and his answer is "I don't remember why I said that and why would I give you that recording if I had been hiting on her in that tavern?"
And then I asked him why would someone tell their spouses that they cheated if they haven't? If I was innocent I would isnsist in my innocence until the end. He answered that I was so convinced that he had done something and that I wouldn't settle unless he gave me something.
This is my current situation. What do you make out of it?

confused615 posted 8/8/2014 13:53 PM

Tell him in order to move forward, and if he wants to keep this band together, you need him to take a polygraph. If he says no..then hold firm..no band.

Time Ticks On posted 8/8/2014 14:01 PM

I think he is lying. I see red flags. Hoving while you listened, what he said to her, him finally admitting once, then backtracking. Tell him to quit the band or replace her, that he can't have it both ways and stay with you.

PrtyInPink posted 8/8/2014 14:50 PM

You said he came back sobbing and looking disturbed after you kicked him out. I'm sorry but if I got kicked out of my house but was innocent, there's no way I'd be sobbing, I'd be pissed instead. That is a red flag to me. And there's no way in HELL that I'd admit to doing something so horrendous as cheating if I didn't really cheat!

GonnaGetThru posted 8/8/2014 15:36 PM

I agree with the above posters. I speak from personal experience too, in that bands can be breeding grounds for A's...both OW in my sitch were groupie wannabes. I think you need to stand firm on the you OR the band thing. Not sure what your plan is here, if you're wanting to R, but that was one of my requirements that my H left the band he was in at the time. Should be a no brainer for your WH if he 's truly remorseful...I don't think he is and still lying.

seethelight posted 8/8/2014 15:56 PM

I insisted that he had a full one and a half year affair and I kicked him out. After an hour he came back sobbing and very disturbed and told me he fucked her only once, nothing happened after that.

I agree with the others. People don't admit to affairs they never had. .. Come on.....

My wayward lied and lied, until I showed him proof. I didn't tell him of the proof sooner, because I so desperately wanted him to tell me the truth without needing to have me show him that I had proof.

Regardless of whether or not he actually had sex with her, the tone of his voice would bother me.

He is talking to her like a lover.

Why can't he find another band to play in?

Why can't he ask this women to find another band to play in?

Melian40 posted 8/8/2014 16:19 PM

Thank you all for your input.
His answer about the band is that we live in a small town and it's difficult to find other people to play this kind of songs. They are very specific old songs from the 30's and 40's.
But I told him I really don't care. If it's difficult to find other people for the band he should have kept the relationship bussiness only. It's HIS fault and I'm ready to leave if he doesn't comply.
The only thing that kept me with him so far is the VAR in his jacket in which the OW says "You didn't do anything". But she might meant: "OK, we fucked a couple of times, it's nothing..."
The fact that I went in detective mode for months and the fact that he continues his band-crap is enough to kick his ass right now. I 'm beyond disgust and I think I have hit the plain hard.
I just needed some confirmation from people just in case there is a possibility I overreacted.

Melian40 posted 8/8/2014 16:51 PM

Seethelight, when you showed your WH the proof what did he say/do?
I'm asking because my WH listened himself saying
"We are together one and a half year and I stare you like that? Why?" and he said he didn't and still don't REMEMBER. Is this selective amnesia or what???

Echelon61 posted 8/8/2014 19:48 PM

I 'm actually trying to see a way in which to play devil's advocate in this & just can't do it. I don't care what the situation is, there's just no way that an innocent man ( or woman ) is going to come home in tears & admit to having sex outside the marriage if they didn't do it. I don't care what kind of pressure he was under.
The only bit of wiggle room that I can think of as a possibility is that maybe he didn't have an actual PA with the singer, but with some other woman along the line, but didn't want to admit to who so he admitted to sex with the singer to temporarily relieve his guilt?
But, even in that unlikely case, he still obviously a cheating husband.

seethelight posted 8/9/2014 10:51 AM

Seethelight, when you showed your WH the proof what did he say/do?
I'm asking because my WH listened himself saying
"We are together one and a half year and I stare you like that? Why?" and he said he didn't and still don't REMEMBER. Is this selective amnesia or what???

Melian:

Yes, the amnesia thing seems to affect all wayward's. It's a pattern.

I am not sure why they say they can't remember saying things they said.

Maybe it's regret, maybe it's shame, but it's very common for waywards to CLAIM they forgot saying things they obviously said.

At the very least, based on those words, and the tender tone of voice, he is having an emotional affair.

If you want to reconcile, this has to be nipped in the bud.

My husband also said, when shown emails of what he said, that he did not remember saying those thing.

His logic: It was just a game and a fantasy. He said he never meant anything he said to the OW, he was just looking for ego strokes.

Melian40 posted 8/9/2014 15:14 PM

I don't see much real remorce from him, maybe bits and pieces here and there.
I don't think he is going to leave the band any time soon, but I prepared myself for that. R is a ticking clock and he wasted a lot of time already.
Now I know deep down that if I had no kids I would be out and healing. I have made some plans on my own and I will earn the exit of this "marriage" soon enough.

seethelight posted 8/10/2014 13:22 PM

Melian:

I agree. If I had no children, I would not have agreed to R.

I think I would divorce and let him TRY to woo me back.

My wayward was so romantic with the OW, but he always told me he was not a romantic sort of guy. He thought it was too mushy.

I believed him, until I saw the mushy letters he wrote to the OW.

I am really not quite sure why he wants to so deperately R, now.

Melian40 posted 8/10/2014 16:44 PM

'I am really not quite sure why he wants to so deperately R, now."

Yup, me too. When I asked him he told me the wayward poem: "I'm here because I love you, you are the one, blah, blah.." NO ACTIONS
My opinion: "He loves his daughter, loves the warmth of a home and the convenience"

But my question to myself is: "Do I want to live my life with such a @%$%^ of a husband?

Ostrich80 posted 8/10/2014 17:32 PM

My opinion: "He loves his daughter, loves the warmth of a home and the convenience"

Sadly I feel the same way about my ws.
So onto the recording. He's got some things that don't make sense. Admits then recanted. Him pleading and sobbing...I agree with what was said above. If I was accused falsely, I would not be begging or sobbing, I would be pissed.
Another thing, did he know the var was in his jacket? If he knew, then anything said could be staged, if you kwim?

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