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New non-sex acts with AP

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growing posted 8/8/2014 13:52 PM

This is the sister thread to my earlier "new sex acts with AP".
It is so common here that the WS does things with the AP that they didn't or wouldn't with the BS, even though the BS longed for the same things. It could be cuddles or kisses or long walks in the woods or long talks or lunch dates or dinner dates or going dancing or to the theater or whatever.
It really is a special sting to the BS when the WS shares things with the AP that they've been denying the BS. It also seems like many WS make the claim "well, BS wouldn't do that with me" or "BS didn't want to do that with me" or "BS doesn't even like that" even though all of these statements were untrue, and that fact was obvious to the BS and everyone else besides the WS.
Thoughts?

3kids30years posted 8/8/2014 15:46 PM

WH and OW went for long walks in the woods, on trails that I had wanted to explore - he always said he was too busy.

That hurts. Now he wants to go on walks/hikes with me, and I feel like he is just replacing OW with me. I HATE THAT! Why now?

He texts and calls me now often during the day - he started that with OW. Again, he just replaced OW with me.

I know I'm not special. Not sure I'll ever feel special again. At least not with WH.

So many of the things I wanted to do - he did with OW. Now he can't figure out why I don't want to do them anymore. I will not replace OW in his unicorn farting world. I want reality. I want to be me. Not a stand in for OW. That is what I feel like.

Sucks to be me.

[This message edited by 3kids30years at 5:45 PM, August 8th (Friday)]

peaceBmine posted 8/8/2014 15:55 PM

For me, this is the more painful part. Knowing the things they DID together (not at all sexual but more as friends), the hours of talks that they had, the 10-15,000 texts per month, the laughter,the sharing about us, the sharing about our kids, the long walks, the excitement to just be together. THIS is the part that makes me sick.

I now understand (and so does WH) that these were not REAL feelings but the fantasy that was allowing him to act like a teenager again. He now looks at our teenage daughters with their BFs and says that he no longer wants that and that he can now see how much more precious what we have together is than the cheap quick thrill of the AP that boosted his ego temporarily. But these non-sexual things are still where my jealousy lies...I WANT that with him again...I have WANTED that again for years! He has now said that he doesn't ever envision that "silly" romantic love returning for us like it was 25-30 years ago. I cried. He then later explained his reasoning and it made complete sense, but yes, I'm still JEALOUS over how he could show that kind of attention to someone else. We have a deep and very passionate love for one another, but apparently that was not enough.

SoLostStillNumb posted 8/8/2014 16:16 PM

My WH and I were long distance before we were married and we would spend countless hours on the phone. Unless he was working, or in class (we were college students at the time) we were on the phone together. We'd watch movies together, we'd fall asleep on the phone together, we'd send massive amounts of texts and pictures to each other. We'd also email a TON.

After we were married, things changed and we didn't do any of that anymore since we lived together and all, but I found out about the OW when I checked the phone bill and saw the 140 minute phone calls at 2am when he was traveling. I was devastated, not only because of the A but because talking on the phone together was OUR thing. They apparently emailed a lot back and forth and texted all the time too and that was OUR thing. I'm not sure of all the other things they did together, but they did go out dancing and WH always insisted that he does not dance when I would ask him to go with me. I don't know if they had special walks in the park or hiking or going to the gym together, but I think I'll die a little inside if I find out that they did because those were all things I'd beg him to do with me. We moved to a new state 7 months before dday and I had no friends and no family around. I'd beg him to spend time with me, but he was always "busying working or studying." (He's in a grad program at the moment.) Little did I know he was having fun in the dorms with an undergrad and he would spend nights with her in her twin bed in her dorm room while I was busy traveling for work to pay the bills so he could go to school.

[This message edited by SoLostStillNumb at 4:18 PM, August 8th (Friday)]

peaceBmine posted 8/8/2014 16:30 PM

SoLostStillNumb, right there with you. WH and I also were long distance for much of our dating years (colleges apart) and it was the AMOUNT of time for phone calls and the like that was hurtful.

million tears posted 8/9/2014 14:04 PM

My WH rarely texts me. He exchanged hundreds and hundreds of texts with the OW every month. I would call and he would answer with a very irritated "yeah?" She would call and he would say "HI!! How are you doing?" I know this because she was a friend and she would call him at home. This was during the A. He still rarely texts me but at least he answers the phone better.

Ostrich80 posted 8/10/2014 02:23 AM

My WH rarely texts me. He exchanged hundreds and hundreds of texts with the OW every month. I would call and he would answer with a very irritated "yeah?"

This ^^^^^

I get a text in the morning and nothing else. They communicated from the time he left for work until he pulled into the drive way. I will never know just "what the f**k they talked about ". It had to be more than sex talk, they had a relationship...sucks
Some of their texts were 3 pages long. I know this by seeing the bill. Just kills me,..still.

TheIrishGirl posted 8/10/2014 06:23 AM

My WH's was all online, so there are so so many emails. I only read a few before he deleted the account, which felt like enough. When I ask what they wrote about it was 'nothing really, just random crap. Nothing even real. And all the sex stuff.'

When we were dating & newly wed we would email through the work day and it was great. And it was about nothing, it was just keeping in touch. So now we're doing it again, but like others have said, I feel like I'm replacing the OW. Although theirs was 90% late night and sex stuff. There's also the fact that he never shared those fantasies with me, even though I initiated a bunch of conversations about our sex life.

Then there's all those nights when he 'couldn't sleep' and stayed up with them when all I wanted was him next to me talking or sleeping. In the morning he'd be too tired to get up with our toddler, so I would. And I'd make and bring him coffee in bed because I felt badly for him. To know I was just cleaning up his A-hangover. Ugh.

tremble posted 8/10/2014 06:45 AM

Then there's all those nights when he 'couldn't sleep' and stayed up with them when all I wanted was him next to me talking or sleeping. In the morning he'd be too tired to get up with our toddler, so I would. And I'd make and bring him coffee in bed because I felt badly for him. To know I was just cleaning up his A-hangover. Ugh.

Right there with you Irishgirl. But some of those nights he would drive to her house to finish up the talking with live sex. Just knowing the amount of time and energy spent on her that should have been spent on me.....that's what eats at me.

NeverAgain2013 posted 8/10/2014 06:48 AM

WH and OW went for long walks in the woods, on trails that I had wanted to explore - he always said he was too busy.

3Kids30Years, you do have to keep in mind that he wasn't exactly able to take her out on the town in PUBLIC. It's not like he could have her dress up and take her out to dinner at the local steakhouse in town, or the movies, or the local pub for a beer and pizza, or the mall to window shop.

He HAD to hide her sorry ass in the woods where no one would see them together. Taking 'hikes' was probably the only way these two could do ANYTHING without having to hide in the dark or behind closed doors.

When you think about it, it's pretty damned pitiful. Don't be feeling too left out - he did that out of necessity.

That's HARDLY the thing dreams are made of.

If the day ever came when a guy had to hide ME in the woods, I'd realize how I'd sunk.

[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 6:50 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]

Mac4 posted 8/10/2014 07:13 AM

Growing, I responded to your other thread. And yes, I think this is often the case. And often whatever it was that was done in the A, usually and often may be something that the BS would have been willing to do or share with their significant other had they been given the opportunity.

Herkemeyer posted 8/10/2014 11:22 AM

There is a very popular saying about wives... that it is difficult for them to relax because of all the domestic things they have going on in there mind. I even got this reason from my WW as to why we didn't spend more time together.

However, with the OM, everything got put on hold. There was nothing that was more of a priority to her than being with him or in contact with him. Father's Day, July 4th with my family, promising to take the kids swimming. He came before all that!

And lastly, any devotion to the person that has spent the past 18 years trying to give you everything you wanted.

seethelight posted 8/10/2014 11:46 AM

This is the sister thread to my earlier "new sex acts with AP".
It is so common here that the WS does things with the AP that they didn't or wouldn't with the BS, even though the BS longed for the same things. It could be cuddles or kisses or long walks in the woods or long talks or lunch dates or dinner dates or going dancing or to the theater or whatever.

It really is a special sting to the BS when the WS shares things with the AP that they've been denying the BS. It also seems like many WS make the claim "well, BS wouldn't do that with me" or "BS didn't want to do that with me" or "BS doesn't even like that" even though all of these statements were untrue, and that fact was obvious to the BS and everyone else besides the WS.
Thoughts?

This is a common lament from betrayed spouses both men and women that I see here and elsewhere.

My Wayward did the same and said the same.

I refused to allow him to blame me for his inability to romance me the way he romanced the OW.

It's all an excuse to justify their action and to attempt to absolve themselves of guilt.

ThrownAwayTwice posted 8/10/2014 14:21 PM

This is what eats me too. The energy he spent on her. He would never take me to the movies, claimed to hate going. So I asked that we see a specific movie for my birthday. Instead he took the time to drive her around after work, and we missed the show. Then a couple of days later, he took her to see it.
We only had one vehicle, and he would use it to chauffeur her around while I was left to walk through bad neighborhoods late at night.
If he was with me, he was texting her. If he was with her, he was ignoring my texts...
I could rant about this for pages.
I don't understand how they don't see how much this hurts the BS.
Of course the grass is greener on the other side of the fence when that's the lawn you are watering instead of your own.

TheThreeYearFool posted 8/10/2014 19:15 PM

So, so, SO frustrating.

WH claims he hates kissing. Funny, one of his coworkers saw him making out with OW at a bar. (Not that anybody told me!)

WH claims he hates talking on the phone. That's not what the phone bill says. He and OW were in constant communication, mostly through texts and emails but there were plenty of phone calls.

WH claims he hates cuddling. Yet he snuck out of my hotel room to cuddle up with OW.

For all I know Mr. I Don't Dance went out dancing with OW!

His excuse is that all of those things were at the beginning of the A, when he was "thinking with my dick."

WH has said that one of the reasons to be in a long term relationship is not to go through all the dating rituals and preliminaries again. Then why the HELL did he do that with OW WHILE he was married to me?!?!?

lilylilith posted 8/10/2014 22:16 PM

This is one of the reasons why I haven't yet asked what my H did during the non-sex times with his AP. Seeing the hours-long phone calls when he never had time to talk to me and the romantic love letters when he's never written anything to me, hurts enough. I agree that it's all the time and energy he put towards her that hurts the most.

bs13 posted 8/12/2014 10:51 AM

Love letters. I have never gotten a love letter from him.
Poetry. He hated poetry before, now he thinks he is John Keats.
Running. He hasn't gone running since he was in track in high school.
Playing soccer. He hasn't played soccer since he was a freshman in college, now he's joined a rec team. Her husband is a really good soccer player.

SadFlower posted 8/12/2014 11:23 AM

Love letters for me too. He and OW exchanged torrid love letters--which he describes as "lust letters" rather than love letters. (I'm sure that wasn't true for her--she was in luuuurrrve.) Mind you, I've never seen one of the letters. In the beginning, I didn't have the stomach for it. Later, he had destroyed the flash drive where he kept them. It's just as well.

He's never written me one. I did ask, but he said it would be pointless, just "comparative literature." I told him that I didn't want him to copy one of hers with my name in it, that I didn't want her sloppy seconds, that what I wanted was something that showed his love and appreciation for me, his wife, as an individual. I'm still waiting.

This is one of the things that really hurts, even though he's doing just about everything else right.

Ostrich80 posted 8/12/2014 11:29 AM

Ws actually told me he wasn't going to have his phone on him at work as there was some special project he was doing. When I looked at the bill on DD, they were blowing each others phones up that whole time..When I reminded him of that week he told me not to call him, he looked at me like I had 2 heads and said, how do you remember that week, I don't??
He told me not to call, straight up lied so I wouldn't interrupt precious time with skankarella

Razor posted 8/12/2014 11:36 AM

WW and OM worked together. And they went out to lunch together allot. Also. for almost 3 years of the LTA me an WW lived thousands of miles away. But WW would fly out to visit *friends* every month (2 weeks). During those times WW and OM would go lots of places together. When I asked WW for a list of places they went her reply was *everywhere*.

For a while I tried to reclaim those places. Some me and WW had been together at before/during LTA. Most not though. After Dday WW would ask to go to places she and OM went. but I would trigger badly when there. those were hard days.

Living around those places and all the places I didnt even know about was like living in a mine field. Eventually we moved and Im much more at ease now.

In the end I just gave up trying to reclaim anything. She and OM can have those places and all their lovely memories of being there together. I simply dont care. I now refuse to go to these places (the ones I know of).

While I accept the LTA happened. and I accept that allot of stuff happened in those places and all the places I dont know of. I still deeply resent all that went on in the LTA. I resent my WW for all she did that brought such pain into my life. something I in no way deserved.

Im fine with acceptance. Of the resentment. yes it can be a problem for me at times. but I dont know how I can ever rid myself of it.

[This message edited by Razor at 11:39 AM, August 12th (Tuesday)]

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