SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Does anyone have any thoughts/advise about ONS? My H had a ONS with a co-worker while on a business trip. They work in separate states but still work together nonetheless. Neither has any contact with the other but I could really use some insight as to how to deal with this. The co-worker is and looks like a trashy bar whore so I'm stunned by the whole situation...

You are in a similar situation as me. My WW had a ONS while on a business trip with a man that she now has occasional business contact with (via e-mail mostly). You can read the whole story in my profile for details of what happed and how I’ve come to cope with the situation. One key point that may be helpful to you is that after she confessed to me about her ONS she agreed to call the OM and CLEARLY explain that she regretted her actions and there could be no further sexual contact between them, their relationship could only be on a professional level.

Well, my WH tried to screw a trashy whore, a prostitute, and because of ED ended up getting a blow job instead. And I ended up gutted and aching and stunned and shocked and frightened and seething with anger. You were betrayed, as was I. Simply b/c it was a ONS does not lessen the slap in the face, the knife in the back, the absolute betrayal of what you believed you meant to him. So..... I'm not so sure it's not the same as other infidelity. How do you deal with it? Ugh. You're gutted and he needs to know that. I would begin by insisting he read 'How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair'. It was a great aid for me and for my healing. Do not accept any minimizing of what occurred. You know, like "it was only once". Bullshit. I was told "aren't you glad it was only a prostitute".....um, no. Nothing about this is 'not that bad'. While it may be a little easier that the trashy whore doesn't live near you, or work w/ WH everyday, this is a big fucking deal. And it didn't 'just happen'. Know what I mean? Think about it. Could you just 'do that'???? Out of the blue??? Something has been happening inside him for a long time, and he needs to figure out what has broken down in him.

The intro for my WW affairs was a ons. She had a ons with a coworker (in our car) and got fired (told me she quit), started sexting LOTS of guys, met lta guy and started that affair (sex in our bed, etc), had ons 2 with a different guy ("cheating" on lta guy) - all while sexting with about a dozen guys.

I know more about ons then I want too.

[This message edited by william at 10:46 AM, August 10th (Sunday)]

My FWH had one. He viewed porn on the computer for years, hid going to strip clubs from me as well, and then when we had a crisis in our marriage, accelerated in two years from the above to cam girls, viewing true smut, joining in sex chat, pay me to f-myself, involvement with gold diggers on line, his profiles on various meet-up sex sites, and then meeting and screwing some strange woman. I caught him a couple of weeks after that. Had I not, he admitted that he fully intended to continue until he got caught.

I don't know if "helpful" is a word that I really want to use, but for lack of a better one, I think that it was helpful to me that it was a completely anonymous person that he found on the web. She was essentially the first person with the correct genitalia that said yes to him. Had this been a co-worker, someone that he had an actual relationship, even if only a working relationship (and I mean that in every loaded sense of the words), I think that it would have been its own special kind of hell. I know that for about a year, I was constantly braced for some strange woman to accost him or me in places that we volunteered, because he all but gave out his address (along with his photo) on what he did in his spare time and when. I don't think that I could see him go off to work each day, knowing that there might be a possibility of him contacting the OW, even indirectly. Him immediately getting another job or fixing it work-wise, through boss, HR, or whatever, that he never had to have contact would have been a bare minimum demand from me.

I'm glad that you're seeking support here.

I agree. There are different kinds of affairs and different kinds of ons. Each type carries its own form I'd hellish pain.

How could you

... With a complete stranger?

... With a friend of ours?

...

Its like the what's worse - a ea or pa question.

They all are betrayal and all hurt. But it is a different pain.

My Ex had a ONS with a woman he met on a dating site.

He said he was single on the site. He bought her dinner, took her to a hotel, quite a drive away, and dropped her off in the morning.

He admitted he was married after the deed was done.

I think my situation is atypical in that I had no anger towards the OW as she had no clue he was married.

This was totally premeditated though.

The whole "business trip" cliche - hard to take. They found themselves in a situation and didn't think of what they SHOULD be doing. Agony all the same, yet somehow easier to work with than a premeditated intentional hook-up? Who knows.