I can tell you my reasons for allowing my piece of shit father access to my boys.
I vowed to protect them. Certain things were never allowed. When he saw them in person my husband and I were with them. He was never allowed alone time with them. Never (no there wasn't any sexual abuse to me but he is insanely inappropriate). He never took them anywhere, never met us anywhere except our home. They were only to his home once and H and I took them.
I really want nothing to do with the man. He is highly toxic. But my baggage is mine and mine alone. I never wanted my children to feel like they were expected to feel the same way about him.
They don't but I believe it's largely due to my restrictions for in person visits, so their experience with him has been very controlled and minimal.
My father only cares about himself. Because of the the restrictions it's more difficult for him to see then, so mostly, he doesn't anymore. He just eventually stopped asking to come see them. I think part of that has been them getting older. When they were wee tots they'd be all excited and run towards him shouting his name. Now it's kinda like- hey grandpa. I imagine it takes the wind out of his sails a bit.
He also doesn't call anymore but he use to. Talking on the phone doesn't give him much in the way of ego kibbles and my boys don't care to use the phone. So that sorta died out on it's own.
Now he sends cards and gifts, 4 times a year. Birthdays, Easter, Halloween, and Christmas. And that's the extent of his involvement with the kids.
He didn't want to put forth the effort so he stopped. The boys never really spent much time with him so they don't care he's not around.
It's difficult to put into words the full effect of having this man involved in my life. My boys are way too young to understand, plus telling them some things would be as bad as him doing them. They don't know how I feel about my father. He is mostly a non presence.
When they are older they might ask about him and I'll temper what I share with them.
But neither my boys nor my father can say I was the thing that kept them apart. The relationship they have with him is their own. As I hoped, they didn't provide back what he wanted so it eventually stopped happening altogether. I didn't keep them away from him, I kept them protected.
Now if this man has any issues with sexually abusing children, then he doesn't even get the benefits I extended my father. In that case too, she's probably violating a law to allow contact with her child.
If there was no sex abuse, let her make her daughter accessible to her father, in a protected manner. Let them have their relationship as long as she is safe. Odds are, he will eventually drop her as well. Then let that be his choice.
[This message edited by BtraydWife at 6:19 PM, August 8th (Friday)]
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years
Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson
Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.